Perfectionist Issues

What is it about being a perfectionist at your core? You want everything done correctly. The problem is, who gets to choose what is correct and what is not? If this small decision is messed up in your mind then you are in for a surprise when it all comes crashing down. I have found that there are many areas of my life that if I can't do them perfectly or at least really good I lose all desire to do them.

The other thing... When people feel like they need to correct me for my prideful assuming ways... Why do they feel like they have to go on and on explaining how I was wrong? I know they are attempting to keep things on an even keel, but don't you think that being pulled into a storage room alone with two supervisors is enough to tell me I am about to get in trouble for something? They always say, "I am just going to come out and be blunt etc." Yet they never are, instead of "you are stepping on toes, its not your job to do "X,Y,Z" I get "Well i understand why you want to do this blah blah blah." When I realized what they were saying I wanted to just scream "STOP I understand, problem solved." Its hard enough to be a perfectionist and be told you are wrong, its worse when the telling is not brief. Let me please go so I can just fix it.

Now it feels awkward and I want to pendulum swing the other way with my behavior and ways. Jobs are never easy, but for someone who really cares about how good of an employee I am and how good the company is, it can be challenging. Geez drinking a Mikes fast makes my head swim. I need a vacation.

Crappy days

I hate days like this where I get depressed and tired. This is the first day off I have had in a week and I am exhausted and allergy ridden. For whatever reason I am emotionally spent, all I want to do is hide in a dark room with comfort music away from all human contact. Why no people when that is probably what I need? Because there are no people here that know me or understand me. Earlier I honestly considered moving to Alaska and starting over, only to remember that troubles follow you like a bad fungus. I think it would have been more tolerable if we didn't have choir rehearsal tonight. Now I am around a bunch of people having to put my best face on and not complain about anything because that would be immature and childish. My allergies are making it quite hard to sing and I have little or no energy for human relations. All this knowing I don't get a break for the next two or three weeks from people or work. I want to go home early but came with my parents and would have to answer questions about why I didn't stay blahblah. Sorry to complain to the internet, but this feels like my only outlet for the angst in my soul at the moment.

Back Pain

I am a victim of chronic back discomfort. I almost hate to call it pain, as that just makes me feel worse.
When I was at UPS the chiropractor was my very good friend. Now that I am no longer a teamster, my insurance coverage no longer covers my back's best friend. (she was cute too!)
I am considering it again though, just going to the guy recommended to me here to see what I can afford. I say this because this is the third or forth time in a few months that my back is out. This last time being the worst, and with little or no provocation.

I am learning what I can and can not do, sitting on my old recliner is no among them. As my back was healed and strong until i watched a few CSI's on my old couch. The good news is that my Dad loves the couch, I have given it to him!

Rachael

I was thinking on the way home from Dancing tonight... I wonder where my old flame Rachael Nobles is nowadays? Going to college separated us, not to mention the fact that we were both super young and immature with relationships and communication.

We dated for a little over or under a year, I don't remember exactly anymore, broke up then dated again, then broke up again. While it didn't last between us, because of college separation, we ended on a good friendly note.

Rachael Nobles changed my life, I was doing poorly in school when we started dating, and was in truth little more than a boy. By the end of our relationship I was excelling in school and really being challenged to be a man. I have many memories of that relationship both good and bad, and yet I always look back on her with fondness.

There have been three women in my life that I have really loved. My ex who trampled and despised my love, my former best friend Becky that my ex drove away, and Rachael. I can honestly say that I would have been very willing to do whatever it took to make the relationship work forever, or to do whatever was best for her. It turns out what was best at the time was for us to end our romantic involvement.

I know where Becky and my ex are, both married and involved in their own lives. I still have some contact (facebook) with Becky, but have severed contact with my ex. Rachael on the other hand, I have no clue as to her status. I am pretty sure she got engaged, then broke it off. This was years ago, however; and she was so wonderful and beautiful I am confident she probably has married since then.

There is no way for me to find her again, I have lost all contact with her and her family. Yet I can say one thing... If she were to walk in the door I would still love her. If she would have me I would court and marry her. I am not dreaming, I know this is silly, but there was something about our relationship was right. We truly were best friends more than romantic, and of that friendship I am bereft. What I wouldn't give to be able to build that same friendship up with her again and enjoy the beauty of her presence by my side!

So here's to Rachael... Wherever you are I hope and pray God has given you peace and happiness! And if you read this find me and lets talk. haha, now I am dreaming.

Emotions

There are times when I get a feeling of "X" that is so overwhelming it is almost debilitating. I have found in those times that the best, and or only, solution is to just keep going. This could mean continue driving, working, reading, singing, etc.
One could almost describe it like a wave that washes over you, just wait a minute and it will pass. I have a good friend who does not live by these rules, he does not experience emotion the same way I do. I almost envy him, as my life when in working order is a roller coaster of emotional waves.

When I was growing up I remember being told constantly by mentors not to make decisions based upon my emotions. I would then think what are you talking about, this IS me thinking and making decisions based on whatever I thought was right at the time. As I have aged I have learned to read myself better knowing that what is right has a base in wisdom, logic, and truth, God's truth. Now I see the same emotions striking and moving me, but no longer must I follow their path. This is very good for me as the path of emotions is not the straight and narrow I need to be following.

So I begin and end my days beseeching God for strength and help, to weather another day alone with my thoughts and emotions. This is my lot in life, I will change as I grow, but the nature of my brain will not. The only thing that changes really is how much I can notice the waves and with the strength of Christ ride them.

Movie thoughts

I just watched one of my favorite movies again, August Rush. Many of my friends and family have also seen this movie and haven't really liked it. Some said there was no plot, or critiqued the story that was there. For them I am sorry, for the movie goes deeper than the surface storyline.

The director is showing the power of music and how it can touch and move people. I have experienced this first hand, even had a close friend who heard music wherever he went. The Lord has gifted some this way, and others don't always understand. I don't hear original symphonies in my head, but my life is moved and sometimes changed by music.

Watching this movie again after a long hiatus (of watching it), has really allowed me to see what the director was trying to convey. August Rush, Freddie Highmore, is shown to experience life in every detail through music. The entire score of the movie is what he is hearing, and how he processes life. This affects him to the degree that he goes on a long journey to find his parents hoping they (by nature of being his parents) can hear the same music he hears. Then if he can play this music and they hear it then he will be found. Simple concept, simple theme, but awesome execution.

What comes out of this for me, is the simple fact that music can so powerfully affect people. This most likely resonates for me, as I live and breathe my life through music. I will hear a song that moves me and play it over and over again releasing emotion and inner energy through that said music. I have spent hundreds on iTunes for this reason.

I live in the moment so one song can completely change my entire tone of being. I have watched myself go from sad to happy, happy to sad, normal to tense, aggressive to submissive, etc. so many times based on what music I am listening to. This is so powerful with me that I must be careful I don't listen to sad music when I am sad, or I get emotionally depressed and distraught.

Not everyone will understand, appreciate, or even like this movie or others like it. However, for me, this movie is a brief glimpse into how music can touch my soul.

Yes I know, I am an S.

Emptiness

How do you fill the emptiness created when you are home alone? I find myself alone with three dogs for almost two days and its hard to deal with. I have been so used to being with and around people my entire life. For a short time I was living by myself with no one coming come but me. For a year I dealt with this lonesomeness through my work. I had my social cup filled at my three different jobs, not the least of which was the Y. At the Y, I was around friends, people who cared and talked to me.

Now I find myself alone, with no job as my social outlet. I am so thankful to God that I don't have to be alone for more than 2 days, and that He provided me with a job that I will start soon. There is even the possibility that I might get a full-time pay and benefits job out of this new life guarding position.

I think I have found the reason that I like to work. It is more than just making a living, it is filling the desperate need I have to be around people. I have friends and family that can go without this social experience, but I can't. I don't think this makes me weak, but rather it's just the way that God made me.

I have been learning to take a lot of things on Faith with God. This is just one of those things that I have to trust to Him, my social life. The thing that is most tempting is to get a girlfriend that will fill my social void. However, that solution is the quick and easy way to solve a deeper issue. Thus I am seeking to place myself in situations where this social void does not overwhelm me. I am somewhat joining the worship team at Church, and thus have practices weekly. I am in the choir at church and get to be around them Wednesdays. (we are taking a break currently from most activities at church) I am on the men's softball team, we start playing in the fall. I am taking a class to learn how to Lindy Hop, also starts in the fall.

In fact I just realized that I will be much more able to deal with this emptiness when things pick up again in the Fall. There is just one more reason I rather hate summer and infatuated with autumn. Until then, I get to hang out with three fuzzy dogs, and watch movies while I clean the house in anticipation of family returning tomorrow night.

I did what?!

Most of the time I don't think to much about the fact that I married the queen of the harpies. Many times that is because she was not like that when I met her. In fact even through the first year of our marriage it was not untenable.

Today is different, I chanced across a picture of an old friend I had at college I remember being attracted to. Then a single thought crosses my mind, "Why the hell did I marry Heather, when there were plenty of stable lovely godly women all around me. I choose one of the unstable ungodly ones without even realizing it. What the hell was I thinking?!"

LDS Church

We played a team tonight that hails from a Mormon Church. I was a little surprised how a church league would allow that, but at the same time it allows us to interact with non-Christians in a public venue.

The game went really well, we were attempting to be really good sports, even better than we normally are. We won the first game by running in a point in the bottom of the last inning. The second we lost by a bigger margin.

I have played these cats before and they are good players, good sports. However when the games are over everyone circles up and we pray. This was rather awkward for me, as the opposing team took the lead to pray. Knowing I am standing in a circle with Temple Mormons they lead our prayer to God? The prayer was almost perfect for what a Christian should pray, acknowledging Christ as savior, addressing God as father, praying in Jesus name, seeking His help in our daily lives, etc. The problem I had with it was simple, it was a lie.

Mormons do not believe in Jesus as Christians do, and they certainly don't believe that he is the atoning sacrifice for our sins and the only way to heaven. I asked one of the players during the game what church they came from, he commented, the LDS church. I asked him soon after if he was Temple, his response, "Of course." You can't be a Temple Mormon and believe what they prayed.

Of all the cults out there, Mormons bother me the most because they lie to you. They redefine all the words we use to suit their religion. The work really hard at looking like Christians talking like Christians, and even calling themselves Christian. Yet if you can press them they will have to admit that they do not believe anything like Christians. It was the most uncomfortable feeling to know that the guy is saying this beautiful prayer addressed to someone that was not God.

I wish it broke my heart more than it grates it. I really need more love for people that are as lost as them. Shame on me.

Attitudes

Tonight I walked onto the field for softball, but it was different than the last couple games. This time nothing was bearing down on my soul making me predisposed to grumpiness. The first game was normal, we had the mercy rule called on us. The second though was awesome. The team held it together, made some really good fielding plays and kept the other team from scoring to much. That coupled with good hitting on our part gave us the 2nd victory of the season.

I am sure thought that even if we had lost I would have had a good mood anyway. It was right before I walked on the field. (I even got a chance to be the warm up pitcher) The question I am facing is how to make the attitude be good before I get there?

My only answer to that conundrum is simple, stay in the Word. I got a chance a couple days ago, and this morning as well to listen through 1 Corinthians. It has been refreshing to hear scripture again, rather than the sermons I normally listen to. I have no doubt that my better mood and outlook on life improved by absorbing the Word of God. (even when class this morning was a real drag)

I am still dealing with the same issues I have been, but somehow today they were a little less daunting. Praise God for his wonderful goodness to me today. Bless his mighty holy name.

The reality of divorce for me.

Lonely is normal, expected, endured.
I am surrounded by family but not friends.
In fact I have many "friends" at church, men whose company I enjoy,
but they are not real friends.
Friends I can call when I feel happy, upset, or sad,
these men I see at softball, choir, and church.
Life is good when around them, for I can for a time forget my troubles.
A nice alternative to drinking my pain away.

Single means that when you go home and turn out the lights you are alone.
There is the reason most young people want relationships,
its hard to live alone.
I know this for I was once married, whether or not I should have ever married her is another question, but I did. To my everlasting shame.
She left me for another, cheated and abused my heart.
2 years later I am mostly healed from that scar.
Yet the scar remains as an ugly testimony of my past.

For a time I sought to eventually replace what was missing.
Even after healing it seemed like a good thought.
No longer does this thought tempt me.
Relationships fill the emptiness and loneliness that comes at night,
but the cost is high.
I remember being very disappointed when I learned the reality of sex.
Knowing the sweet things I thought married couples were, was only exterior.
I had more pain and anguish than joy and laughter.
Perhaps the sign of who I was married to.

After all is said and done, I am alone. I know longer hang with friends.
Gone are the days of talking into the night with friends.
I go to the movies alone, cross the country alone, and in general am alone.
I can seek friends but all my age are occupied with wives and kids.
Being divorced is a stigma that robs the soul of joy.
I sought solace in the Scriptures, and peace I received.
First Corinthians I listened to yesterday, and I learned I am ok.
I am not at fault for the scar I bear, and I should not seek a ring.

My Father God takes care of my needs, I live for Him.
I just want these words to always be true.
With my education and background I should be a model Christian,
Yet I keep getting in the way.
I feel filthy and know that without Christ's blood I am toast.
I want desperately to always love and obey, but I fail miserably
Who will free me from this body of Death.
Thus I live one day at a time, scared and healed,
constantly being pruned and cleaned, but never again whole.

Evolution problems

Here are some postings I placed on Facebook showing my issues with modern evolution theory.

The explanation given in class today was concerning the supposed change from prokaryotic to eukaryotic cells. The problem is that eukaryotic cells, or cells with nucleus and organelles etc., are irreducibly complex. In other words without just one piece they cease to function.

The explanation involved getting a bunch of prokaryotic, single cells... Read More no nucleus organisms to band together into a colony. Then they might form symbiotic relationships. then they might form endosymbiotic relationships. (One organism lives in another). Eventually the cells become specialized and when one cell decides to reproduce the entire organism then you have an eukaryotic or multi-celled organism.
This just doesn't work, nor are there any examples of it. Even supposing it could somehow be feasible, it still does not explain how the cell structure begins, only how different cells start to work differently.
This is besides the fact that the mechanism for genetic change, mutation is touted as a working process. This is because they change the definition for mutation. As it was explained was any change in the organism, (including natural variations in the genome).
I am OK with the basic tenets of Natural selection, as that only shows that certain ... Read More characteristics of creatures will survive over time, and that the creature will not remain if it cannot adapt.
The problem comes that to change to another species, or another kind of organism, the DNA has to change data sets. There is only so much you can change by adaptation and genetics, but then you get into mutations in the chromosomes. This is where modern sciences tells us that the meat of evolution occurs. The problem is that whenever you mutate or change DNA this way it is a negative mutation, and usually will kill the host. This is one of reasons we have so many diseases, they are genetic failures.

Natural changes, mutations, without a guiding hand to make them beneficial result in damage or loss to the data stored in the DNA. You can't come up with data from no data, which is exactly what my professor was attempting to us. That with time and the need for adaptation to the environment the data will appear and the mutations will occur to fix whatever the problem might be. That is contrary to the way things work in real life.

My professor even admitted to the staggering odds against the possibility of life forming from nothing with evolution. However he just shrugged it off as wow weren't we lucky it did anyway.
It is mathematically impossible for life to arise or evolve once, much less every change to get us from single celled organisms to complex mammals.
Yet because they see no other option science ignores data that shows they wrong and plows on generating hundreds of theories to back up a theory flawed from its foundation.

Wedding Toast (part 2)

There is nothing like going on a trip and coming home! Trips are successful when:
You revel at using your own toilet, drinking your own water, bathing in your private shower, and playing whatever music you like loud and long.

I had the most wonderful opportunity to share in my best friends wedding. This was the most elegant, beautiful, graceful, stylish, and thrifty wedding I have ever attended (and I have attended a few).

I was given the honor of being the best man for my friend, a role of which responsibilities I did not understand until arriving at the locale. I am a self-proclaimed S and took my new role on with gusto. In fact I hope I did not overdue it. Yet I made sure, through delegating, asserting, and scheming, that the bride and groom were taken care of and protected from as many stressors as possible. In the end the wedding was breathtaking and simple, my favorite combination of beauties.

I cannot remember having as much fun and working as hard (not all work is physical) in a weekend that I was not paid for. Yet through it all, the driving, the planning, the weeding, the washing, or even the socializing could not detract from the absolute wonder and honor it was to be apart of my friends special day.

I lift my glass to my friends, and honor them. They were worth it and I cherished every moment I had to spend with them and for them this weekend. I only regret that I could not do more for them in the time I had to share with them. May you my brother and sister have a wonderful life and marriage sharing together in the Lord, and may the peace of God reign in your lives. Everyone join me in honoring Mark and Carmen!

Internet break

I recently took a break from the internet, just short of three weeks. I only came back because I was finding increasingly difficult to get my school work done without access. However the times I was not glued to the screen were refreshing and sweet. To not be tied to my facebook, blog, comics, etc. was wonderful. The time was spent with family and getting stuff done around the house. I know that I can't always be away from the internet but it was sure worth the time I spent away.

One year later

Well as of yesterday I have been officially divorced for one year. Maybe I should celebrate this day like a birthday? She has actually been physically gone for much longer than that. She moved out officially in August of 2007, but she informed me she didn't want to be married anymore a month or two earlier than that.
There is a lot that can be said with this: I haven't kissed a girl in almost 2 years. I haven't enjoyed a kiss from a girl for 2+years, nor any other girlish contact. This gets better with time! The longer I am single and celibate the easier it is to handle.
I also haven't had anyone to share my soul with for a long time now. It can be said that I do have a couple friends who know me very well, in fact probably better than my ex-wife did. But that kind of friendship pales in comparison to the expectancy of going home to your spouse at night. I haven't experienced that in much longer than 2 years.

Loneliness comes with the territory, as evidence by the fact I am even writing this. At first I lived completely alone and separate from all my family and good friends. Sure I had people around me who where kind, but nobody understood me or really cared to for that matter. But thankfully that is no longer the case, I am with my family now. Yet even with family that loneliness can creep up and bite. It usually comes when I can't get ahold of my friends for whatever reason and I go home with tons in my head and no one to talk to. Even then just bearing through it, the nights are not long and the ache goes away.

I am sure I have a long way to go still, although at the same time I have come so very far already. I am not sure if I will ever get "there" even, but that is OK. Looking back the thought that I was married seems surreal, and almost an illusion like waking up from a bad dream. This is probably from the fact that I tend to live in the moment, and that was rather a long time ago. She left for Basic Training November 06, and came home for a few months before leaving again June 07 only to leave me August 07. She was never the same after Basic, so what little health my marriage had has been gone since Fall 06, 2 1/2 years.

It may transpire that God will place another girl in my path, yet I am not actively looking. In fact from what I have seen around me of women my age group, most are way to immature or underdeveloped to consider, everyone else seems to be already married. I have set the bar super high for girls to meet that I am not sure how many women could ever reach it. Yet that is what is keeping me sane, I will consider a relationship if this perfect woman shows up, but I really don't expect that to happen any time soon.

I am growing one step at a time. I am beginning a career change that I am looking forward to. I love my church family and the healthy opportunities I now have to serve. Life continues, but not hopeless or floundering like have been for so long in my past, rather I have a clear direction in which to travel. I am looking forward to living the rest of the life Christ has given me to live.

First reactions

Why is it that I have to get frustrated and stressed out over nothing? I was playing softball and having a great time, but the whole time praying to God to take away my bad attitude. It was my first day playing in 7-8 years and it was not practice like stated, but a scrimmage. Every time that I made a mistake I was berating myself. It took some serious prayer in my head to stop on the spot and change my thoughts. God was more than gracious again to me! I was able to focus more on the game, and not on what grated me. I was also able to get a double and run in to score!

Why is it that whenever I get in an uncomfortable situation my natural reaction is one of stress and frustration like that?! This happens to me a lot and I am sick of it. Thank God he is giving me the grace to change so I am not stuck this way forever.

Facebook Friends

I have a friend that I have been an acquaintance with for a long time. I knew her before I went to college, and after I moved home I started to get to know her again. I attempted to get to know her better, but the big problem (to me) was the fact that she lives out of state while attending school. In the course of attempting more communication with her, she informed me that she was not comfortable with the amount of contact I desired. Not wanting to seem inappropriate or untoward I refrained from attempting to contact her (email or facebook), as it seemed she was telling me to back off. This happened a couple months ago. No real skin off my back, I have no problem with giving space to friends who communicate to me that they are uncomfortable with our friendship. I honestly haven't thought much about it since then, as we were never more than acquaintances. Then today I found out that she has removed me as a friend on Facebook. To me this communicates that either she is upset with me for dropping all contact with her, or just gleaning her friends list.

Here is a great place to show how my weird brain works. Seeing that a girl I was once attracted to, even if it was minor and brief, completely cut-off contact with me (Facebook was primary long distance communication tool), makes me feel bad. I instantly want to feel like I have done something wrong and hurt her feelings in some way. Somewhere in me I have to put on this cold shell that protects me from this kind of false assumption. It might be that I have upset her but halting my communication with her, but in all honesty she initiated it. In that respect I never had any commitment to her, all we had was a coffee date once while she was on break. So why do I feel like I need to fix something? This is the part of my personality that really causes me consternation. I want to latch on to people and give them a loyalty that they do not deserve from me. Then all they have to do is cry out and I would come running to solve whatever problem. This is how I got trapped in the manipulative hell that was my marriage.

The desire to help and do good for people when I shouldn't bother can really get me in trouble. Thus this cold shell, or wall, is a must to protect me from myself.

Compartmentalizing

I have a problem. I compartmentalize everything in life. I know you are going to say that this is normal for guys, and you would be right, but I take it too far. On top of that when I am not looking all the pent up emotions come pouring out in a way that no one can see.

So I just got back from church where I was portraying Jesus in our retelling of the Passion. There is a lot that goes into this kind of a production: dramatic poses, costumes and costume changes, fake blood, makeup, etc. I really wanted to do a good job, not because I was going to be up in front and people were watching, but rather because I knew that I would be representing Jesus in this production. That is not a role I want to screw up. Thus most of what I was focusing on was doing a good job, and trying my level best not to screw up. Then I look around me and see people caught up in the emotions and feelings of what is happening, and then people come and tell me that they were overwhelmed with the reality of what happened on Calvary. I just don't feel that. I was thinking about the fake blood sticking to my costume, the position of my hands and feet, and looking to make my cues.

This really made me start to think. After going to hell and back in my former marriage I think I prevent myself from experiencing things in an attempt to protect myself from the pain that comes from life in general. I don't get to sad when people die, I am not overly moved when I hear a sad story. In fact it takes a special combination of external elements to get me to experience something with my emotions/ gut.

I still get worked up over certain issues though. Politics lately get me fired up rather easily. Where is the balance? I want to be able to feel again, not just get angry with Obama and his administration. I want to experience the emotions that should accompany pain and tragedy in others lives and so empathize with them. I don't want to live a life half dead because I am afraid I might get hurt again.

I don't fully understand all this yet, but I am hoping that in time I will be able to overcome this over-strong tendency to live life in compartments.

Sometimes I should think like an Ent

Lately I have found myself rather angry and aggressive towards our government both Federal and local. On my way to class I was just seething with rage concerning many issues. There are times that I understand what it must of been like as a colonist under King George. But the drive here somehow reminded me to cool my jets and think more clearly. Only bad decisions and outcomes come from hot-headedness. So I think to myself, "Don't be hasty." This is hard for me, but God is working on my heart.

I am still raging about this administration and many other things, but I can't let that rage turn to agression. Cool and calculated, that's the way to go. I will work to overthrow the government in four years according to the system no matter how much it grates me.

Good Concert, New Friends

I went to a Third-day concert tonight. Worldvision contacted me and asked if I would volunteer and get in the concert for free. For some reason I accepted, though it is not normally something that I would do. A little nervous at first I got to meet a bunch of people that showed up to work the Worldvision table. I had the privilage to get a lot of people to sign up to support children, but while doing so got to know a few young ladies. They are left to right, Heather, Chelsea, and Melanie. These girls really love the Lord and two of them are going on a year long mission trip living out of a backpack, going all over the world. (Think Amazing Race for God) To them I say thank you, The concert was amazing, but the company equally so.

Acting our Savior

I have been asked/ chosen to play Jesus in the upcoming Good Friday production that we are doing in our church. I am involved and committed to this ministry so without really thinking told them I would. It was not until tonight at our first stage blocking rehearsal that I realized what it means to play Jesus. I have to be able to truly act and show the emotions that Jesus would most likely have been showing during the passion.

Starting with the last supper, then moving to the garden, then before Pilate, then the whipping post, then on the cross, then dead in Mary's arms. The scenes are all still life pantomime. We have to have an "action" pose and hold it for the length of the song. There is the acting challenge that comes with this that I enjoy, however when it came time for the cross scene... That was hard.

I was standing on this fake cross, but realistic dimensions. There is a little platform for me to stand on, but I had to hold my arms out and up holding a pose. It was supremely uncomfortable. Then I thought, wow I am thinking how can I hang on a cross comfortably. The other thought that came to mind was just how painful it would be to be crucified. Just standing on the padded fake cross gave me a tiniest glimpse of the real pain that Jesus actually went through, I can't even imagine.

Here I am playing Jesus, and all I can think about is how much I am a sinner not worthy to be playing this role. Sure Charlie is still there being goofy and having a good time with my choir friends, but deep down these emotions were playing out in my heart. How much God loves us!!! It truly is an honor to have this part, but it is also extremely humbling as well. This is going to be an interesting Good Friday production...

Unexpected Depression

I don't really know why, but this afternoon/ evening I have really had to deal with some depressive feelings. I don't have the desire to do anything, or take care of anything.
This has been happening a lot less to me this year, thank goodness. I never really know what causes it either. Today was not a bad day, it was a pleasant morning visiting the mountains and Luray Caverns. I just feel tired. Times like this are when I am the loneliest after my ex-wife leaving. Oh well just part of life I guess, tomorrow should be better, I truly love going to church.

Pics for Liz

Memory lane = healing lane

This past week I have been visiting my very best friends in Ohio. This trip has thrown into relief all the healing I have yet to do. I went to school here, met my wife here, etc. The drive out here in itself was full of memories, some pleasant some painful. While it is true that I have come here since my divorce, I was at the time in survival mode. I thought I had healed thought I was mostly over it, but I wasn't.

It has taken me seeing this place to start to deal with the past made here. God has been very good to me by allowing me to deal with some hard emotions and deep seated pain. I have also been able to talk with my friends and flesh out what some of my issues are. One of the biggest problems I had was that I was so blind to reality when dating her.

Evidently I was caught under her manipulative power very early read from the start. In the end I couldn't believe a word she was saying, it was all twisted. My friends all claim to have seen this problem, but never really challenged me. Sure to be fair I wasn't really listening to common sense. 20/20 hindsight is a funny thing, but it has taught me that if a friend comes to me raising these kind if concerns I NEED to listen. I am so embaressed that I let it all happen the way it did, I have thought for so long that I had things under control, but I was activly drowning before I was even engaged.

Friends reading this post, never let me do that again. Please do whatever it takes to bring me to my senses! Never hold back information in hopes of not hurting me. If I knew how she was acting to everyone behind my back things could have been different.

A good example of this has just come up. I just found out today that my ex is remarried. My friends had been keeping this from me because they thought it would be to hard for me to hear. While it was hard to hear that less than a year after our divorce she got remarried, but it is allowing me to heal on an even deeper level. Never again friends! I don't care how uncomfortable the conversation, I will appreciate honesty better down the road. Thanks

Gaming Good for the Soul

Last couple of days I have been playing quite a bit of video games. The difference between when I was a younger man to now is that I have actually been budgeting my time and energy to get all my work done as well. True I bought a new game and beat it practically in a day, but that day I got all my work done.

Gaming is a good way for me to stay caught up with a couple of by buddies from college. The funny thing is, we never played games together at school! All three of us were separate gamer. Well every now and then it is good for me to go out online and interact with the Gunslingers. There are a few gunslingers that I really like to play with, and I got that opportunity last night. It is kind of like going out to a party with friends, yet without all the complications that public/ private parties bring.

I absolutely love living with my parents again while I go back to school. There are not a lot of friends around here for me though. So to be able to occasionally go online and laugh and game for a few hours is very beneficial to me. Thanks for the games boys!

Time for Healing

I have begun to realize more and more how damaged my heart is. It has been over a year since my wife left. She liked to say at the end that she was poison for me and leaving was the best thing for me. I am not sure how to feel about that. While the statement is really true, it is not at the same time. Living with her was like having cancer, but I still loved her no matter her many faults.

After it was all said and done, I thought to myself that time will heal my wounds. I have heard it said that for every 5 years of marriage, it takes 1 year to recover. We were married for just under 5 years total, 4 in reality, and now a year and half later I don't feel healed. Sure there are times that I feel just fine and totally emotionally free, but other times the brokenness shows its ugly head.

The emotional pain she caused me is for the most part gone. The financial burden she left on me is almost gone. The career change and move needed to recover is in the works. I am living in a healthy emotional environment, time has cleansed the bulk of the damage. The problem is that I keep finding cracks in the foundation she caused, small parts of me keep coming to light that are broken. These are like tumors on a healthy brain, behaviors, fears, desires, actions all caused by the pain of a bad marriage and worse divorce. The shame of what happened has not left, nor will it I am afraid.

The desire to have a relationship and loving companionship is strong at times, and terrifying at others. My response to conflict and stress is still being affected by my former marriage, and continues to haunt my mind. Time may heal these wounds, it may take professional help eventually; but for now I am just taking life one day at a time.

Conflict / Stress response

I have noticed lately that when encountered with a hypothetical stressful situation, or conflict that belongs to someone else I tend to want to react aggressively or even violently. This is hard to explain so bear with me...

I am rather a fan of Harry Potter, and have the unabridged audio books. In Book 5 Harry deals with quite a bit of unjust persecution against him. Whenever I listen to this conflict the author the writes in, I respond to it emotionally. These emotions tend not to be patient and loving, but rather harsh and aggressive. Its almost like me thinking that somehow fighting back will solve the problem, even though I know that it rarely does.

This really comes out for me when I watch episodes of the Dog Whisperer. The way to deal with aggressive and problem dogs is to be calm assertive pack leader. Most of the people with problem dogs just need to know little tricks that prevent behavior problems and techniques that calm behavior. I however want to be aggressive in response to conflict or attacks against me, but it takes quite a bit of aggression and attack for me to lose control and be aggressive in return. Sometimes I feel like a small dog, the bark is worse than the bite. Even writing that statement makes me want to be more in control of my surroundings, to be "safe" knowing that I can defeat any enemy that attacks.

When actually in a stressful situation my typical response is flight, not fight. Though if cornered, I will fight, and that fight will be fierce and often uncontrolled. I have been told for years that this is part of my "S" personality, I don't want that to be my defining characteristic when it comes to solving conflict. 4 years of crappy marriage revealed a lot about how I respond to conflict, especially prolonged daily conflict. I tend to seek resolution and "fight" for what is right, but eventually if I don't/ can't win I will give up. Then using avoidance tactics I seek to never have the conflict in the first place, thus allowing my then partner to walk all over me. I could have fought harder, but I was not willing to do what it would take to win those battles. (physical and emotional suppression)

Now a days, over a year since she left, I am noticing a difference in my behavioral responses. I see the tendency to be much more reactive to attack. This really comes out in my relationship to my mothers sister and her family. Mistakes made in the past between me and my cousin formed a rift between us. I attempted to fix that and build bridges to friendship again, but have been repeatedly demeaned and attacked. Attacks not on me for my behavior 10 years ago, but against who I am now. Of their family only my aunt treats me with any civility, my uncle and cousin are rather harsh and rude when they encounter me. In the days when I was downtrodden and suppressed I would have just taken it and walked away with my tail between my legs. No longer do I tolerate rude comments or behavior, and will either make a statement by removing myself from the situation, or verbally advise the attacker to stop their abusive behavior.

I am healing from 4 years of living with the queen of the harpies, but currently that has caused me to react curiously to conflict and stress. I still dislike stress or conflict just as much as before, I am just handling it differently. Whether for the better or worse is yet to be seen.

Pipe Dreams?

I did some fun number crunching today. The result was a semi-accurate estimate of how much money I can save realistically incrementally for the next several years. I was excited, not because I want money and to be rich though. I was excited because my pipe dream of one day owning an Earth Sheltered home in Ohio near my "brother" ceased to be a pipe dream and became a real possibility!

I have for a long time been yearning to live a debt free lifestyle... So many people have told me that to own a home is to be in debt. God has placed me into an unique situation where most of my income becomes discretionary. Thus if I save every dime I have eventually I will potentially have what I need to buy a home for a very small if any mortgage. That is really exciting for me. It will take many years of hard work and saving, but to eventually get there will mean the rest of my life to have financial freedom. To be able to live in my own home without paying a mortgage or rent payment, would mean that cash flow would be drastically increased. If cash flow is flowing freely, even with a less paying job, then I could be so much more flexible in supporting God's work, and potentially my family.

Exciting thoughts, but I am not foolish enough to think that God might have something else in mind for me. It would not be the first time. But for now, I have some fun long term and short term goals. We will see where God takes me down this path, this will be interesting no matter what happens!

FreeLance Firework Hall of Fame

This Rhett and Link Video truly makes me laugh histarically!

Another attempt to explain Hope

Think of playing a game of cards. When playing cribbage with my dad, as we do often, there are times where the game is really close, and down to the wire either of us could win. Other times one of us is easily defeating the other player. Well cribbage is the accumulation of points, and you can only score so many points per hand so there is a place where if you are far enough behind the game might as well be over (you can't win). There is however the desire and hope that the cards might fall just right so that you can win, whether that is likely or not.

When playing games of any sort, if losing I will endeavor to pull out a victory no matter how much the odds are stacked against me. I tend to fight to the last man/card, no matter how bad the defeat is. While this is all friendly gaming and considered good sportsmanship, there is something else being illustrated here. I as a rule want to think I can still win, even if I can't.

The trouble comes when I am playing a game, or living a situation in life, where I know that no matter what I do failure is the only option. I will endeavor for a long time to continue to enjoy the game or survive with the situation as long as I can, but there is a breaking point. If this point is reached I have to stop. This is actually very depressing for me, if I don't think I can be successful I will look for something else to do, or change my life so that I can have a hope of success. To enjoy whatever it is I am doing, I have to feel like succeeding is even a slight possibility.

In life, I can deal with stressful situations for considerable periods of time. This leads to depressive emotions that eventually turn to feelings of resignation. In the past I have come to the conclusion that my life was stressing me out so much, it was not going to get better, nor any way to make it better (hopeless). This feeling of resignation comes in seeking to find something good out of a rotten situation. This is kind of like living with chronic pain; you seek not freedom from the pain, but rather a way to bear the pain.

I have to be able to see the silver lining in a situation, or I will get severely depressed. No matter how bad life is, if there is a light at the end of the tunnel, I can stand up and bear it. If not, then I will be looking to either fix or change my life circumstances. (Whether I realize this or not)

TTL Disappointing

I was playing tonight with a group of friends, the TTL Gunslingers. Tonight was the first time ever to be ashamed of them, and that is saying something. For a group that is known for their in and out of game behavior I have suffered a disappointment with their teamwork game play.

In a match where everyone uses the skills they have, I was doing well. I am good at driving and gunning (roadkill squad), and was doing good the majority of the match. The first mistake I make in the match was a communication error where I drove the wrong way not seeing where the objective was (5-10 second window of error). Before I could correct my mistake my revered teammates bailed on me, which is alright in itself, but then for the rest of the game trash talked me for that error. Not mentioning the fact that my driving was critical in at least one of the points we scored, almost two. (I have not reviewed the film to count yet...) Soon afterward in some chaos jumped on a hog turret, silent since the barrage of criticism, and racked up a killing spree.

My performance was exemplary considering the objective and the game at large. We won the match but they did not win any respect in my eyes. That is not how you treat your enemies, much less your allies and good gaming friends.

YHWH-JIREH

Or as it is commonly seen, Jehovah Jireh.

God has really been opening some doors for me recently. I have been offered a job teaching at my school, getting a decent salary. But this job offer was contingent on me getting ACSI certified. So I called ACSI and they told me that to get recertified I would need to take a class called philosophy of education (christian education). The headmaster at this school told me to call ACSI and figure out what I needed to do, so that next week I could sign a contract. So my search for this class began.

I looked at the two local schools where I am attending to pursue my M.Ed. degree and nada. I checked out all the various programs that might qualify and nothing seemed to work correctly. I know that I have to get this class done and taken care of by the time I start teaching next fall, so it is going to have to be a summer course. With it not being held around here locally, I started checking some online courses. The local schools I am familiar with did not have it, so I checked my alma mater. Cedarville in fact did have it, but not online. So naturally, I called Cedarville to get more information. It turns not only do they have the class, but after checking with ACSI, it fits the requirement. (Class was only 2 credits, I was told I needed a 3 credit course). So the way to do it was to go to Cedarville in the summer stay there for two weeks while I took the class intensively. The Lord seemed to be even working out the price, for all who know CU the tuition is very high. I was able to get the class for 160 dollars a credit hour, or 320 total, unheard of at CU.

So feeling God has really provided with a way to do this seeming impossible class to find here, I call my headmaster to let him know. He promptly told me that if all I needed to get recertified was this class, he had a way for me to take the class on my own and never leave town. (also for free)

God seems to have be going down a path, and I am looking forward to continuing this journey. I am forever thankful I am in his hands and going in the direction he has chosen for my life. Nothing more peaceful or rewarding than that, even if currently I feel sick as a dog.

Job Offer

I was more formally offered a job teaching at my school that I sub at today. I had been approached before, but this was official. As long as some paperwork works out, then I will be signing a contract sometime next week to be the new Junior High (7-9th) science and math teacher. This is both exciting and scary, but God is providing for me and I can't wait to see what he has next, not matter how stressful, busy, or just plain crazy.

Failure

When I was working at the Y, I had a honest friend say rather bluntly, "Dude you are afraid of failing!" While many people desire to succeed and not fail, that is not what he was saying. He was saying that I am practically phobic of failure. It was rather profound coming from a coworker that didn't know me all that well.

The truth of the matter is that I am afraid of failing, rejection, and that people might just think bad of me. I have been known (in the past) to change who I am to make sure that I am never thought ill of or rejected. The whole idea that someone might be angry with me or disappointed in my work ethic/behaviors was torture. It took me a long time to really see the truth in this particular personal character flaw.

I am not really sure where this flaw has come from. There are a lot of potentials in my past that could have been the source of it. The basic reason must be my personality combined with negative life experience. Growing up I was constantly having to make new friends because we moved constantly. In making new friends on the Jr. High level you learn to be like everyone else in order to be accepted and not ostracized. This is a very bad place to find yourself, because when you are there you have no idea its a problem. In fact people in this trap have no idea who they really are inside, just what is required of them on the outside.

This is rather a stumbling block for people with my personality type (S-I). We want to please everyone and make peace around us. We are the irrationally loyal, addicted to the good words of others for significance. What with this basic personality type and my history, I was a bad marriage waiting to happen.

It is easy to look back and say that I should have seen it coming, but that is really not true. I was so wrapped up in the moment and my own self-preservation that I could not see the danger lying in front of me. In my mind danger and pain would be a relationship ending painfully. Every action was partially tainted by the thought that if I don't be the perfect husband my marriage will fail. I saw a failed marriage as the worst possible thing ever nothing short of personal tragedy. I must admit when divorce did come it was a personal tragedy, not helping at all with my fear of failure. I had tasted failure and it was bitter, I never wanted to fail at anything again.

You cannot however base your life actions on not failing. I took a ministry position and worked my ass off there, but because of factors in and out of my control I was not successful with that position. I was not the person they needed in that job, my talents and passions were elsewhere. This time however my failure was not quite so painful, as it felt more as a misplacement of my talents rather than an attack on my person. (mostly)

I have recently been rejected as I attempted to pursue a relationship. (Second time ever rejected in relationships, if you don't count divorce) I would like to think that this time I put myself on the line much earlier than ever would have before. I was trying to trust God's will and rest with His decisions. This time instead of trying to control the whole process, I relaxed and allowed myself to be more open and honest. I wanted to be accepted by this gal based not on what she wanted me to be, but rather who I really am. It didn't work out, and that is ok. Sure it hurts a little, but whatever. I can't live that way anymore.

I still dislike failure and rejection adamantly but I pray that now at least I can recognize it for what it is and move past it.

Debriefing

After talking with my mother this morning about an uncomfortable experience this weekend... i am feeling a bit confused and reeling. One of my cousins was coming Sunday night to stay the night and take my Grandfather with her to Delmar. I have some personal history with this gal, and it isn't good. More than once I have had to set boundaries and deal with her abrasive actions. I was dreading her coming, for all of our interactions of late had been over the internet (sense of control for me). But when someone who willfully disdains you comes into the sanctuary of your home it is difficult to bear.

I was not sure if I should have taken the path that was overly nice, i.e. pick her up at the airport, attempt to have conversation, etc. This was not to be, as my mother jumped up and went to pick her up. The second she walked into the house I proverbially felt my skin crawl. She is overly loud, almost like half shouting when just talking. She constantly is trying to one-up people, and show how her opinions are the only ones that matter. She has perfected the art of putting people down so that she is lifted up. Comments that from one person might be sincere and kind, from her are laced with venom. (That is not just my perception either, other people back me up) It didn't take me long before I very carefully, quickly, and quietly got my coat, then told my mother in german that I was going to the store to buy something. I was attempting to obey my mom, as she constantly said to me and my sister when we were kids, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all!" By the time I got home a hour and a half later everyone was in bed. The entire time I was gone, I was talking to my best friends to calm down.

The title of the article is debriefing, for that is what happened this morning as I talked about it with my mother. She was surprised at how strongly my cousin affected me, making the comment that I still had a lot of healing to do. This was an unexpected comment, as I thought vamoosing was the best way to be good. She replied that because this gal acted so much like Heather did in how she treated me I could not handle it. She said that she watched me physically recoil and pull into myself at my cousin's abrasiveness. More was said, but what bothered me was the truth to my mother's statement. Why did I respond this way? Why with this person of all persons did I violently withdraw and feel so threatened? I need to mull over this one for a while.

God Provides

I went to school to substitute today and was asked by two teachers to sub for them in the coming weeks and months. I was only expecting to sub once this month, and now i have subbed three times, and three more times coming right up! Thanks God

Who ya gonna call?

When there's something strange, in the neighborhood, who ya gonna call? Mark Wallace!
If there's something weird and it don't look good, who ya gonna call? Mark Wallace!

I ain't afraid of no stress!

If your seeing things running through your head.. who ya gonna call? Mark Wallace!
If your all alone, and you need a friend who ya gonna call? Mark Wallace!

Movie Review Response

A friend of mine just got back from watching the movie "He's just not that into you" and wrote her own review to it. I will list that here for reference sake.

I went and saw this movie tonight. Let me tell you that this would have saved me a lot of heartache if I had a clue about this concept years ago. Mostly applying to dating situations, the basic premise is this: if a guy does not call you, ask you out, make time to see you, ask to meet your friends, or generally does not make you a very important part of his life, then he's just not that into you.

Plain and simple.

It's really that easy.

Men are not complicated like some ladies think they are, and we (ladies) should not make excuses for why they don't call, show up, ask us out, or genuinely show an avid interest in us.

It feels liberating to know that I'm not the only one who has wondered why a guy didn't really seem that interested, whether up front or over time. And you know what, it's okay, because it doesn't mean something is wrong with me. It just means that I can free myself up to be ready for the guy that is into me - whenever that may be.

Rating: Five Star

I was thinking about this and felt almost stereotyped. But I am not sure why. I would like to think that if I was interested in a girl my intentions would be loud and clear, but thinking about it not anymore. After going through hell and back I am so careful to let my intentions be put out for fear of being hurt by them again. But even this is not entirely true, being an "S" I am entirely unable to hide my feelings for people, good or bad.

Two instances come to mind, one I was attracted to this gal, mostly because of all the attention she was giving me. It was honestly hard not to reciprocate those emotions, as it had been so long since someone cared about me. It eventually took me being verbally blunt and physically distant to communicate with her that it was not meant to be. There is another girl, a friend and former coworker that I could tell was crushing on me. This time before any negative results could come about I firmly and verbally communicated to her that my intentions were not for her. Thankfully I still have a friendship with her, albeit from a distance.

Then there is this other girl. I met her again for the first time in years and was completely blown away. I have never met someone so whole and complete. If I ever venture to marry it would be either her, or someone just like her. We had the chance to get together and talk, and from that I found that I really was attracted to her. (for brevity sake I leave out the details why) There is one gigantic problem facing me though... How do you pursue and court a girl that does not live near you? Actually also a secondary problem, I will not be able to support a family (aka get married) until I am done with school and have a job. (read 2-3 years)

Now in response to my friends movie review, how am I supposed to show the appropriate interest in this girl? I would surely love to, in fact I would like to think I would be rather good at making someone feel loved. (Pride I know) However, in my attempt to start something before she left for school herself again, I was unable to secure her phone number, but just permission to communicate over the internet. In fact on further investigation I have found that she does not like even using IM as a communication medium.

Now this is where the devil's advocate comes in, why don't I just email and ask for her phone number? By not asking for the only way to communicate well with her, are you not telling her you are not interested in her? Hmm. charges leveled against me.

Wow... I feel categorized and labeled. The real beauty to this is understanding a guy who is just treading carefully, so as to not do something stupid and ruin everything in the process.
goodness I feel a blog post coming on!

This was my comment on her Facebook page, being too careful can make a man go to slow in the pursuit and loose the girl. Would it not be wise, however, to make sure you are doing the right thing and courting the right person at the right time? I am not sure the answer to that, but one thing I do know... I know I have met and befriended the most amazing Christian woman I have ever met. She was so impressive to me that I added her to my daily prayer list.

I have learned the very hard way to trust God in his leading and guiding. I don't ever want to hold back in following and trusting Him. He has never steered me wrong. I want the very best for this gal, so much that if I am not for her, then more the better that I never get in the way. But if the Lord should grant mercy to me his broken son, then hallelujah! We will just have to see what happens next.

Ohio or Texas?

I have come to the conclusion recently that I will not be able to settle here in NOVA. While living here is providing me with the opportunity to attend school and not crash, the cost of living is exorbitant. 1500 for a one bedroom apartment, etc. My parents also know that there will come a time when they will have to leave here, the question is where will they or I go when this time comes?

I have always had a desire to go back to Xenia, Ohio to be with my best friend and his family. He and I are close as brothers, at least that's how I see him. I have yearned to go back and live near him again and settle down. This has been the only real place I have ever felt at home other than here.

Now, however, there is another opportunity that is presenting itself. My aunt and uncle are moving part time back to Dallas to start a small coffee shop business. I have lived in Texas twice before and enjoyed it. The draw to Texas would be to be near family. I have two cousins and their families that live in the Dallas area, and now my aunt and uncle are going back there. My father also might consider moving to Texas as he is fed up with snow and driving in it. That being said I would be able to ride a motorcycle almost year round in Texas where that would be more limited in Ohio.

Wherever I go, I would like my parents to follow, and they have stated decently clearly that where my sister is, holds to much snow and to high of property taxes. I would love to have my family closer together again, that really would be great. However I am much closer to my "brother" in Ohio than any of my family other than my parents.

In Ohio there is potential for my father to get a job because of the local industry, we would also be within driving distance to my sister. Ohio also offers something that I am looking for... Wind. As far as my research has gone I would be able to have wind generators in Ohio, something I have wanted for along time. I have also wanted to build an Earth sheltered home, which honestly can be built in either locality.

One of the things that really bugs me about Ohio though are the rather terrible gun laws. Ohio recently pass legislation that allows one to conceal carry, but almost every building or store there refuses CCDW to enter their store legally. This makes it practically impossible to defend your self, if every time you go somewhere you have to leave your firearm in the car.

I am sure there are more reasons, but for now, I am going to have to keep on with my education and praying for guidance for the years to come.

Class

I have found that my Astronomy professor has come to an undeniable conclusion... most of his students at the community college don't care enough to teach the subject well.
He does a great job explaining all the concepts needed, but when he gets to the math that is associated with them, he super quickly does the equations and the derivatives of them, that following him is next to impossible. But what is really funny is that he does not even realize that he is doing it. He does equations on the board with smile on his face like it was the most fun thing in the world to do astrophysics. Its really funny to watch, rather hard to learn.

Assumptions and Pride

Lately I have been struggling with the ideas I think to be correct and provable, only to be completely shot down. Whether this idea is how infrared vision works to politics. I have a lot of knowledge, 2 college degrees can make a man think he actually knows things. But in reality I am finding out more and more every day how much I do not know.

Maybe this is an offshoot of the fact that I am attempting to become a teacher. I am expected to know things and always be ready to show other people truth. I also often sit in my father's Sunday school class and have to occasionally correct some of the ideas coming from the class concerning theology.

It is so frustrating to make a statement in a debate, thinking you are 100% right, only to be proven 100% wrong. Part of me wants to deny it and argue, and part of me is so embarrassed to be proven wrong I just want to vacate the premises. This is unfortunately the pride rearing its ugly head. Why is it so hard to take correction lightly? Well I am working every day to get better at this, and Lord willing with his abundant grace I will continue to mature.

The question then becomes, do you avoid potential situations where you might be proved wrong and not speak, or just go on and attempt to stifle the selfish pride when it arrives?

Isaac Newton

I was a little disappointed to find out that one of science's greats has let me down. Isaac Newton has not lived up to either of his namesakes, Isaac, or fig newton tasty goodness.

I watched a video about him in Astronomy class, that dealt with his personal life based on his own personal writings. It turns out that while he was a genius he was more than a sloppy theologian. He was an Anti-Trinitarian heretic. To put more plainly his way of deducing life led him to believe that Jesus is not God. This originally came about from the Aryans, and almost broke the church in the 3rd century.

Newton came up with a way to study and look at the world, specifically calculus and physics. The "Newtonian" laws he came up with plus the calculus led him to believe that all things were results of cause and effect, and those effects could be calculated. This led him to think that the future could be figured out by calculations and he even "calculated" the return of Christ to be the year 2060. The French under René Descartes took his ideas and tore God out of them, leading to the "enlightenment."

Kind of frustrating, but as I raise my fig newtons high, I will remember what they could have stood for. very sad

Future and Plans

My recent addition to the TTL Gunslinger's online community has caused me to start thinking about my social situation here. I have "found" an online community that are almost as close as family, and spend more time together than most friends do. They seem to find their social outlet in each other over the internet.

I have been talking with my best friend, (read processing life thoughts), and wondering about my life. Since I have moved home with my family, I have not really reached out to befriend many people my age here. I am part of my parents sunday school class, and their adult bible fellowship, both of which I rather enjoy. I decided to become part of the music ministry at the church, it is what I did in my old church, but the majority of the choir and orchestra are all much older than me. I have developed some friendship, or better affectionate acquaintances, with many people but not any with people of my age group. Why?

I realized that I have three real friends in this life, Stephen, Mark, and Jim. They were friends of mine while we went to college together, and at that college developed through some rough times into core friendships. I still communicate with them, and am friends with their wives as well. (Mark is not married yet) I found myself thinking as I was communicating with Stephen, that I would rather finish my training to be a teacher here, then transfer to where I can be near him and Jim again.

I am a military brat, and being such meant that we never had the chance to grow up with our friends. In fact, my sister and I were constantly having to make new friendships and then break them again. In this we are both hesitant to attempt to make new real friends, to let someone into our soul. She has since stopped moving and has put down some roots with her wonderful husband and some solid relationships where she is. I, however, have not stopped moving yet, and adding a failed marriage on top of my complex about not wanting to share my soul to friends is making it very hard for me to really put down roots here, other than what I can control. Deep down I want to be able to live here and have friends, but when there is a thought in the back of my mind that I might move again, then that desire is abated.

I have been challenged to rise above myself and make what friends I can while I am here, knowing that it will not jeopardize my relationships with Stephen, Mark, and Jim. Then I realized something, these three men and their families including Carmen, are as close to me as family. If they needed anything I would do whatever it would take to be with them and help them. My earthly family is small, and these men have in my mind been adopted into it. Thinking about it that way makes a bit more sense to me, for I have already changed my life before to be there for family I know that I would do it again.

When I was married, I had become an uncle to my then wife's niece's and nephew's. I thought that was the most wonderful thing, but it truly meant so much more to me when Mackenzie was born to Stephen. I am not her uncle, though they have called me that, but she is more dear to my heart than the other children ever would be. I know this is partly because of being divorced and abandoned by her family. However her family never loved me and cared for me the way that Stephen and Carla do, or the way Mark and Jim do. This will not be true of my sister's child when she/he is born, but that blessing has yet to come.

I am not sure where God is going to take me in the future, all I know is that He has guided me down a path. I can only see a couple steps a time and have an idea where the path may lead. I am learning to become a high-school teacher, where I will teach long term I have absolutely no idea. I have a desire though to look again at Cedarville, and Cedarcliff High.

Patience

I have noticed that the longer that I am on my own again, the more I want to stand up for myself. For half a decade i allowed myself to be walked on, and I find that now I want to pendulum swing in the other direction. For example last night I was listening to Harry Potter 4 audiobook and there was a situation where Harry was being treated more than unfairly. I found myself wanting to react to stand up and get in the face of the oppressor.

I am having to relearn the fine line between sucking it up and taking it, to fight back no holds barred.

Will have to think about this more later.

My Dog Midnight

TTL Gunslingers

For the last month or so I have been doing my online gaming with a clan called the Gunslingers. Two of my good friends have been members for a long time (Halo 2). So I have been playing with them off and on since. I never became part of the clan, and now that the clan has such popularity in the Gaming world, probably never will. However, since I have been playing a bit more regularly with them, I have been having a really good time.

They play as a team, everyone has a job assignment, and work together to accomplish the goal. They strive to be good sports and keep the talk clean. They also are very communicative as to where the enemy location is, so that they can fight as a unit. In the 4 hours or so that I played with them last night, we lost only once. That Loss came only when we were randomly hooked up with another crew from TTL.

It is becoming more fun as some of the core members are becoming familiar and friendly with me, rather than just my personal two friends. Last night a member joined us and said, "Hey Bearded haven't seen you in forever!" etc. To play with this crew, you have to want to get better, but be willing to follow the team. Even if following the team means you don't share the glory of the win. The example that bears this best is the job Honor Guard. The honor guard are a couple of guys who protect the base from being raided. This is a no glory job, but if not done well, then you can lose the game quickly and without warning. (From the other team getting the flag or whatever).

Although I prefer to play with Dem and Sword, last night was the first time I stayed on after they left. It made for some good gaming times. BTW my picture is my xbox-live avatar.

Science

This is going to be a very interesting semester. Every class I have so far seems like they are trying to indoctrinate their students into a naturalist worldview. Yet so many times already I have heard the profs speak on how something is just a mystery, or there is no way to explain how this is, etc. God fits so perfectly into what I am studying, yet my astronomy professor told me that religion has nothing to do with science, but often butts its nose into science's business.

I feel like I am going on a journey to learn all about God in how our world works, but in that journey I am undercover. It is not the place to speak out on how they are wrong, how their worldview is blinding them, etc. Thus I am finding myself trying to quietly glean all the information that I can that is truth, the information that is false, and spit it all back out in the form of quizzes and tests.

I am a bit torn, but I really love the true essence of what I am studying. I love how science points to our awesome creator! This will be a very interesting and profitable journey into the depths of majesty of God.

Pride Sucks but God is Growing Me

I recently had to confess to my accountability partner about a reaction I gave to a message I received and replied to on Facebook. It took talking with him to realize just how wrong I was too.
Background: Amy and I dated for 10 months almost a decade ago. During our relationship I did a couple of things right, first off it was hands off. We didn't kiss until the last couple weeks or so of our relationship. That saved me a lot of pain when we did eventually split up. Second off, I got creative and wrote a poem to her and superimposed it onto a picture she took. The picture was of a camping trip she went on in Hawaii. She fell over herself on how much she liked the picture, but she didn't seem to like our relationship enough to fix it when it started to have issues so it died. Or better said after I had enough I killed it.

Getting into why I killed it is a long story, but suffice to say she was not all that good at communication or conflict resolution. After ten months of dating she didn't know whether or not she loved me, among other things. When the relationship ended it was not pretty. I was not being very forthcoming in talking about why I ended it, and she was being cruelly manipulative in attempts to get what she wanted. That with a few more reasons caused our breakup to get a little ugly. It ended with me pretty much hoping I never heard from her again.

In all honesty I had forgiven her soon after this all happened, and had mostly forgotten about it. In fact the poem I wrote was the one, of the plethora of poems I authored, that I was remotely happy with. Thus the poem and picture have always been a happy memory for me about something good I did. I had just detached the memory of who the poem was for and made it a general truth about who I wanted to be. So when I posted the poem and picture with it on my Facebook page I never thought anything about it.

So when I heard from her via Facebook message of all things, I was shocked. But I must admit, I was not upset as much that she had sent me a message, but rather that she was able to send me a message. I thought that I had made my self unsearchable to anyone that I didn't want to find me. I had this mental barrier set up that protected myself from anyone being able to hurt me again. If no one that had ever hurt me could contact me ever again, then I could control my life a bit better. This is where I say that pride sucks! It was my pride that was injured more than anything.

Before I should have I popped off the above response. I really didn't want to be hurtful with my words, but looking back on it now, I was really wrong in saying what I did the way I did. What I was really saying was, "How dare you try and contact me again! I don't want anything to do with you!"

I have had to go to God and ask forgiveness for this, it was very wrong of me. I am so surprised how the sinful nature can still sneak up and stab me when I am not prepared for it. God is slowly pruning me of things I never new where an issue. I obviously had never really forgiven her, or at least had not continually forgiven her of all the hurt I had received 9 years ago. I feel like a stupid teenager again, for that is what my response was, immature.

I can make all kinds of arguments on her being in the wrong, but that would be just rationalization of my wrong comments. I have since apologized in the most sincere way I know how. I find myself quoting Romans 7 over and over again. "Oh Wretched man that I am who will free me from this body of death."

Counseling last night

I could really have used some help from a friend of mine who is seeking out a career in counseling in the sunny state of Texas. A friend/colleague of mine from a bookstore job I did over the Christmas season has been texting me over the last few days trying to get me to talk to her. I was rather hesitant in talking with her, as I have no desire to be her confidant, counselor, etc. Girls with problems have a way of latching on the person who is trying to help them, and that can cause even more issues. Thus I was attempting to avoid conversations with her.

Well last night it seemed like it came to a point where I needed to actually talk to her and set some boundaries so that she would not keep texting me trying to get me to talk or meet her somewhere. So at the end of my Halo extravaganza I asked my best friend Stephen to pray for me as I was going to call her back and deal with whatever needed to be dealt with.

The conversation turned out to be longer than I wanted, but I was thinking she just wanted to talk to me because of some attraction she had with me, not what I found. This girl is very nice, but has some really problems that she needs to deal with. She is the type of person that feels like she carries the weight of the world upon her shoulders, but has no support from anyone including family. She has never been to college, and has a house to support all by herself. She is attending a church that is dying and is not providing for her spiritual needs.

I must admit because of the way I had to prepare myself for this conversation I was not sugarcoating anything. I told her flat out that in order for her to begin to heal, she needs to be spending ample time each day in the Bible and in prayer, as she is stressing and worrying about everything. The second big thing I told her she needed to do, was to find a church that would start meeting some of her needs. Specifically, she needs an older woman of the faith to be mentoring and caring for her.

In the end I got my point across, while still trying to be gentle in my approach. There is so much more that I don't have time to write about concerning how to talk to someone who is in need, that can wait. What I did do was make it clear that as much as I like to help and talk to people, in her case it is not appropriate for me to counsel her on a regular basis. (aka more than once)

It went well, I hope she gets the help she needs, I recommended a professional counselor. Today I called my accountability partner and best friend so that he knew what happened, also because he was praying for me. This relationship I have with him has been instrumental in my current spiritual growth.

Oh well, time to eat, the house smells so good!