Failure

When I was working at the Y, I had a honest friend say rather bluntly, "Dude you are afraid of failing!" While many people desire to succeed and not fail, that is not what he was saying. He was saying that I am practically phobic of failure. It was rather profound coming from a coworker that didn't know me all that well.

The truth of the matter is that I am afraid of failing, rejection, and that people might just think bad of me. I have been known (in the past) to change who I am to make sure that I am never thought ill of or rejected. The whole idea that someone might be angry with me or disappointed in my work ethic/behaviors was torture. It took me a long time to really see the truth in this particular personal character flaw.

I am not really sure where this flaw has come from. There are a lot of potentials in my past that could have been the source of it. The basic reason must be my personality combined with negative life experience. Growing up I was constantly having to make new friends because we moved constantly. In making new friends on the Jr. High level you learn to be like everyone else in order to be accepted and not ostracized. This is a very bad place to find yourself, because when you are there you have no idea its a problem. In fact people in this trap have no idea who they really are inside, just what is required of them on the outside.

This is rather a stumbling block for people with my personality type (S-I). We want to please everyone and make peace around us. We are the irrationally loyal, addicted to the good words of others for significance. What with this basic personality type and my history, I was a bad marriage waiting to happen.

It is easy to look back and say that I should have seen it coming, but that is really not true. I was so wrapped up in the moment and my own self-preservation that I could not see the danger lying in front of me. In my mind danger and pain would be a relationship ending painfully. Every action was partially tainted by the thought that if I don't be the perfect husband my marriage will fail. I saw a failed marriage as the worst possible thing ever nothing short of personal tragedy. I must admit when divorce did come it was a personal tragedy, not helping at all with my fear of failure. I had tasted failure and it was bitter, I never wanted to fail at anything again.

You cannot however base your life actions on not failing. I took a ministry position and worked my ass off there, but because of factors in and out of my control I was not successful with that position. I was not the person they needed in that job, my talents and passions were elsewhere. This time however my failure was not quite so painful, as it felt more as a misplacement of my talents rather than an attack on my person. (mostly)

I have recently been rejected as I attempted to pursue a relationship. (Second time ever rejected in relationships, if you don't count divorce) I would like to think that this time I put myself on the line much earlier than ever would have before. I was trying to trust God's will and rest with His decisions. This time instead of trying to control the whole process, I relaxed and allowed myself to be more open and honest. I wanted to be accepted by this gal based not on what she wanted me to be, but rather who I really am. It didn't work out, and that is ok. Sure it hurts a little, but whatever. I can't live that way anymore.

I still dislike failure and rejection adamantly but I pray that now at least I can recognize it for what it is and move past it.