Conflict / Stress response

I have noticed lately that when encountered with a hypothetical stressful situation, or conflict that belongs to someone else I tend to want to react aggressively or even violently. This is hard to explain so bear with me...

I am rather a fan of Harry Potter, and have the unabridged audio books. In Book 5 Harry deals with quite a bit of unjust persecution against him. Whenever I listen to this conflict the author the writes in, I respond to it emotionally. These emotions tend not to be patient and loving, but rather harsh and aggressive. Its almost like me thinking that somehow fighting back will solve the problem, even though I know that it rarely does.

This really comes out for me when I watch episodes of the Dog Whisperer. The way to deal with aggressive and problem dogs is to be calm assertive pack leader. Most of the people with problem dogs just need to know little tricks that prevent behavior problems and techniques that calm behavior. I however want to be aggressive in response to conflict or attacks against me, but it takes quite a bit of aggression and attack for me to lose control and be aggressive in return. Sometimes I feel like a small dog, the bark is worse than the bite. Even writing that statement makes me want to be more in control of my surroundings, to be "safe" knowing that I can defeat any enemy that attacks.

When actually in a stressful situation my typical response is flight, not fight. Though if cornered, I will fight, and that fight will be fierce and often uncontrolled. I have been told for years that this is part of my "S" personality, I don't want that to be my defining characteristic when it comes to solving conflict. 4 years of crappy marriage revealed a lot about how I respond to conflict, especially prolonged daily conflict. I tend to seek resolution and "fight" for what is right, but eventually if I don't/ can't win I will give up. Then using avoidance tactics I seek to never have the conflict in the first place, thus allowing my then partner to walk all over me. I could have fought harder, but I was not willing to do what it would take to win those battles. (physical and emotional suppression)

Now a days, over a year since she left, I am noticing a difference in my behavioral responses. I see the tendency to be much more reactive to attack. This really comes out in my relationship to my mothers sister and her family. Mistakes made in the past between me and my cousin formed a rift between us. I attempted to fix that and build bridges to friendship again, but have been repeatedly demeaned and attacked. Attacks not on me for my behavior 10 years ago, but against who I am now. Of their family only my aunt treats me with any civility, my uncle and cousin are rather harsh and rude when they encounter me. In the days when I was downtrodden and suppressed I would have just taken it and walked away with my tail between my legs. No longer do I tolerate rude comments or behavior, and will either make a statement by removing myself from the situation, or verbally advise the attacker to stop their abusive behavior.

I am healing from 4 years of living with the queen of the harpies, but currently that has caused me to react curiously to conflict and stress. I still dislike stress or conflict just as much as before, I am just handling it differently. Whether for the better or worse is yet to be seen.