I have a problem. I compartmentalize everything in life. I know you are going to say that this is normal for guys, and you would be right, but I take it too far. On top of that when I am not looking all the pent up emotions come pouring out in a way that no one can see.
So I just got back from church where I was portraying Jesus in our retelling of the Passion. There is a lot that goes into this kind of a production: dramatic poses, costumes and costume changes, fake blood, makeup, etc. I really wanted to do a good job, not because I was going to be up in front and people were watching, but rather because I knew that I would be representing Jesus in this production. That is not a role I want to screw up. Thus most of what I was focusing on was doing a good job, and trying my level best not to screw up. Then I look around me and see people caught up in the emotions and feelings of what is happening, and then people come and tell me that they were overwhelmed with the reality of what happened on Calvary. I just don't feel that. I was thinking about the fake blood sticking to my costume, the position of my hands and feet, and looking to make my cues.
This really made me start to think. After going to hell and back in my former marriage I think I prevent myself from experiencing things in an attempt to protect myself from the pain that comes from life in general. I don't get to sad when people die, I am not overly moved when I hear a sad story. In fact it takes a special combination of external elements to get me to experience something with my emotions/ gut.
I still get worked up over certain issues though. Politics lately get me fired up rather easily. Where is the balance? I want to be able to feel again, not just get angry with Obama and his administration. I want to experience the emotions that should accompany pain and tragedy in others lives and so empathize with them. I don't want to live a life half dead because I am afraid I might get hurt again.
I don't fully understand all this yet, but I am hoping that in time I will be able to overcome this over-strong tendency to live life in compartments.
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Yeah. Watch slumdog millionaire. I however, am entirely sick of politik. But the point: familiarity breeds contempt. We've heard and known too much about easter stories. We can get too serious about it protecting it sometimes. But isn't a child able to enjoy the most when boundaries are set & known? Not sure how that plays out, but i feel there's a connection..
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