The reality of divorce for me.

Lonely is normal, expected, endured.
I am surrounded by family but not friends.
In fact I have many "friends" at church, men whose company I enjoy,
but they are not real friends.
Friends I can call when I feel happy, upset, or sad,
these men I see at softball, choir, and church.
Life is good when around them, for I can for a time forget my troubles.
A nice alternative to drinking my pain away.

Single means that when you go home and turn out the lights you are alone.
There is the reason most young people want relationships,
its hard to live alone.
I know this for I was once married, whether or not I should have ever married her is another question, but I did. To my everlasting shame.
She left me for another, cheated and abused my heart.
2 years later I am mostly healed from that scar.
Yet the scar remains as an ugly testimony of my past.

For a time I sought to eventually replace what was missing.
Even after healing it seemed like a good thought.
No longer does this thought tempt me.
Relationships fill the emptiness and loneliness that comes at night,
but the cost is high.
I remember being very disappointed when I learned the reality of sex.
Knowing the sweet things I thought married couples were, was only exterior.
I had more pain and anguish than joy and laughter.
Perhaps the sign of who I was married to.

After all is said and done, I am alone. I know longer hang with friends.
Gone are the days of talking into the night with friends.
I go to the movies alone, cross the country alone, and in general am alone.
I can seek friends but all my age are occupied with wives and kids.
Being divorced is a stigma that robs the soul of joy.
I sought solace in the Scriptures, and peace I received.
First Corinthians I listened to yesterday, and I learned I am ok.
I am not at fault for the scar I bear, and I should not seek a ring.

My Father God takes care of my needs, I live for Him.
I just want these words to always be true.
With my education and background I should be a model Christian,
Yet I keep getting in the way.
I feel filthy and know that without Christ's blood I am toast.
I want desperately to always love and obey, but I fail miserably
Who will free me from this body of Death.
Thus I live one day at a time, scared and healed,
constantly being pruned and cleaned, but never again whole.