Facebook Friends

I have a friend that I have been an acquaintance with for a long time. I knew her before I went to college, and after I moved home I started to get to know her again. I attempted to get to know her better, but the big problem (to me) was the fact that she lives out of state while attending school. In the course of attempting more communication with her, she informed me that she was not comfortable with the amount of contact I desired. Not wanting to seem inappropriate or untoward I refrained from attempting to contact her (email or facebook), as it seemed she was telling me to back off. This happened a couple months ago. No real skin off my back, I have no problem with giving space to friends who communicate to me that they are uncomfortable with our friendship. I honestly haven't thought much about it since then, as we were never more than acquaintances. Then today I found out that she has removed me as a friend on Facebook. To me this communicates that either she is upset with me for dropping all contact with her, or just gleaning her friends list.

Here is a great place to show how my weird brain works. Seeing that a girl I was once attracted to, even if it was minor and brief, completely cut-off contact with me (Facebook was primary long distance communication tool), makes me feel bad. I instantly want to feel like I have done something wrong and hurt her feelings in some way. Somewhere in me I have to put on this cold shell that protects me from this kind of false assumption. It might be that I have upset her but halting my communication with her, but in all honesty she initiated it. In that respect I never had any commitment to her, all we had was a coffee date once while she was on break. So why do I feel like I need to fix something? This is the part of my personality that really causes me consternation. I want to latch on to people and give them a loyalty that they do not deserve from me. Then all they have to do is cry out and I would come running to solve whatever problem. This is how I got trapped in the manipulative hell that was my marriage.

The desire to help and do good for people when I shouldn't bother can really get me in trouble. Thus this cold shell, or wall, is a must to protect me from myself.