I have begun to realize more and more how damaged my heart is. It has been over a year since my wife left. She liked to say at the end that she was poison for me and leaving was the best thing for me. I am not sure how to feel about that. While the statement is really true, it is not at the same time. Living with her was like having cancer, but I still loved her no matter her many faults.
After it was all said and done, I thought to myself that time will heal my wounds. I have heard it said that for every 5 years of marriage, it takes 1 year to recover. We were married for just under 5 years total, 4 in reality, and now a year and half later I don't feel healed. Sure there are times that I feel just fine and totally emotionally free, but other times the brokenness shows its ugly head.
The emotional pain she caused me is for the most part gone. The financial burden she left on me is almost gone. The career change and move needed to recover is in the works. I am living in a healthy emotional environment, time has cleansed the bulk of the damage. The problem is that I keep finding cracks in the foundation she caused, small parts of me keep coming to light that are broken. These are like tumors on a healthy brain, behaviors, fears, desires, actions all caused by the pain of a bad marriage and worse divorce. The shame of what happened has not left, nor will it I am afraid.
The desire to have a relationship and loving companionship is strong at times, and terrifying at others. My response to conflict and stress is still being affected by my former marriage, and continues to haunt my mind. Time may heal these wounds, it may take professional help eventually; but for now I am just taking life one day at a time.
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Hmm.. So this means that the 2+ years carmen and I have been involved would only take 6 mos to get over? That's kinda weird to think about. Not sure what to think of that.
ReplyDeleteAs an aside, it's also kinda weird to think that my life is now (and will now always will be) tied to her family's farm.. we're getting married there, and it'll be on the license, and everyone will be there.. all our memories.. I'm now tied to the south-east like-it-or-not.
true, and not true. Life is what you make of it. Yes you are tied to the family, but not the farm or the southeast, unless you choose to be.
ReplyDeleteMy family is from the west coast we have lived in many places and two countries, eventually calling east coast home. God moves and places us where he wants us to go. Take comfort in that
I have moved to Louisville in case you guys are wondering. thanks guys take care
ReplyDeleteSir,
ReplyDeleteI must say you've handled this very well. You might remember I was and to some point still working out the harmfulness that it creates inside of you. In some little part of my brain and heart, I love my ex-wife. But I remind myself how it felt, how it burned me up inside, how it caused so much embarresment..and how much of my life was taken away. I search everyday for those pieces of myself, I think I've almost found all of them.
You've been in my prayers!