Future and Plans

My recent addition to the TTL Gunslinger's online community has caused me to start thinking about my social situation here. I have "found" an online community that are almost as close as family, and spend more time together than most friends do. They seem to find their social outlet in each other over the internet.

I have been talking with my best friend, (read processing life thoughts), and wondering about my life. Since I have moved home with my family, I have not really reached out to befriend many people my age here. I am part of my parents sunday school class, and their adult bible fellowship, both of which I rather enjoy. I decided to become part of the music ministry at the church, it is what I did in my old church, but the majority of the choir and orchestra are all much older than me. I have developed some friendship, or better affectionate acquaintances, with many people but not any with people of my age group. Why?

I realized that I have three real friends in this life, Stephen, Mark, and Jim. They were friends of mine while we went to college together, and at that college developed through some rough times into core friendships. I still communicate with them, and am friends with their wives as well. (Mark is not married yet) I found myself thinking as I was communicating with Stephen, that I would rather finish my training to be a teacher here, then transfer to where I can be near him and Jim again.

I am a military brat, and being such meant that we never had the chance to grow up with our friends. In fact, my sister and I were constantly having to make new friendships and then break them again. In this we are both hesitant to attempt to make new real friends, to let someone into our soul. She has since stopped moving and has put down some roots with her wonderful husband and some solid relationships where she is. I, however, have not stopped moving yet, and adding a failed marriage on top of my complex about not wanting to share my soul to friends is making it very hard for me to really put down roots here, other than what I can control. Deep down I want to be able to live here and have friends, but when there is a thought in the back of my mind that I might move again, then that desire is abated.

I have been challenged to rise above myself and make what friends I can while I am here, knowing that it will not jeopardize my relationships with Stephen, Mark, and Jim. Then I realized something, these three men and their families including Carmen, are as close to me as family. If they needed anything I would do whatever it would take to be with them and help them. My earthly family is small, and these men have in my mind been adopted into it. Thinking about it that way makes a bit more sense to me, for I have already changed my life before to be there for family I know that I would do it again.

When I was married, I had become an uncle to my then wife's niece's and nephew's. I thought that was the most wonderful thing, but it truly meant so much more to me when Mackenzie was born to Stephen. I am not her uncle, though they have called me that, but she is more dear to my heart than the other children ever would be. I know this is partly because of being divorced and abandoned by her family. However her family never loved me and cared for me the way that Stephen and Carla do, or the way Mark and Jim do. This will not be true of my sister's child when she/he is born, but that blessing has yet to come.

I am not sure where God is going to take me in the future, all I know is that He has guided me down a path. I can only see a couple steps a time and have an idea where the path may lead. I am learning to become a high-school teacher, where I will teach long term I have absolutely no idea. I have a desire though to look again at Cedarville, and Cedarcliff High.