I have noticed lately that when encountered with a hypothetical stressful situation, or conflict that belongs to someone else I tend to want to react aggressively or even violently. This is hard to explain so bear with me...
I am rather a fan of Harry Potter, and have the unabridged audio books. In Book 5 Harry deals with quite a bit of unjust persecution against him. Whenever I listen to this conflict the author the writes in, I respond to it emotionally. These emotions tend not to be patient and loving, but rather harsh and aggressive. Its almost like me thinking that somehow fighting back will solve the problem, even though I know that it rarely does.
This really comes out for me when I watch episodes of the Dog Whisperer. The way to deal with aggressive and problem dogs is to be calm assertive pack leader. Most of the people with problem dogs just need to know little tricks that prevent behavior problems and techniques that calm behavior. I however want to be aggressive in response to conflict or attacks against me, but it takes quite a bit of aggression and attack for me to lose control and be aggressive in return. Sometimes I feel like a small dog, the bark is worse than the bite. Even writing that statement makes me want to be more in control of my surroundings, to be "safe" knowing that I can defeat any enemy that attacks.
When actually in a stressful situation my typical response is flight, not fight. Though if cornered, I will fight, and that fight will be fierce and often uncontrolled. I have been told for years that this is part of my "S" personality, I don't want that to be my defining characteristic when it comes to solving conflict. 4 years of crappy marriage revealed a lot about how I respond to conflict, especially prolonged daily conflict. I tend to seek resolution and "fight" for what is right, but eventually if I don't/ can't win I will give up. Then using avoidance tactics I seek to never have the conflict in the first place, thus allowing my then partner to walk all over me. I could have fought harder, but I was not willing to do what it would take to win those battles. (physical and emotional suppression)
Now a days, over a year since she left, I am noticing a difference in my behavioral responses. I see the tendency to be much more reactive to attack. This really comes out in my relationship to my mothers sister and her family. Mistakes made in the past between me and my cousin formed a rift between us. I attempted to fix that and build bridges to friendship again, but have been repeatedly demeaned and attacked. Attacks not on me for my behavior 10 years ago, but against who I am now. Of their family only my aunt treats me with any civility, my uncle and cousin are rather harsh and rude when they encounter me. In the days when I was downtrodden and suppressed I would have just taken it and walked away with my tail between my legs. No longer do I tolerate rude comments or behavior, and will either make a statement by removing myself from the situation, or verbally advise the attacker to stop their abusive behavior.
I am healing from 4 years of living with the queen of the harpies, but currently that has caused me to react curiously to conflict and stress. I still dislike stress or conflict just as much as before, I am just handling it differently. Whether for the better or worse is yet to be seen.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Friday, February 20, 2009
Pipe Dreams?
I did some fun number crunching today. The result was a semi-accurate estimate of how much money I can save realistically incrementally for the next several years. I was excited, not because I want money and to be rich though. I was excited because my pipe dream of one day owning an Earth Sheltered home in Ohio near my "brother" ceased to be a pipe dream and became a real possibility!
I have for a long time been yearning to live a debt free lifestyle... So many people have told me that to own a home is to be in debt. God has placed me into an unique situation where most of my income becomes discretionary. Thus if I save every dime I have eventually I will potentially have what I need to buy a home for a very small if any mortgage. That is really exciting for me. It will take many years of hard work and saving, but to eventually get there will mean the rest of my life to have financial freedom. To be able to live in my own home without paying a mortgage or rent payment, would mean that cash flow would be drastically increased. If cash flow is flowing freely, even with a less paying job, then I could be so much more flexible in supporting God's work, and potentially my family.
Exciting thoughts, but I am not foolish enough to think that God might have something else in mind for me. It would not be the first time. But for now, I have some fun long term and short term goals. We will see where God takes me down this path, this will be interesting no matter what happens!
I have for a long time been yearning to live a debt free lifestyle... So many people have told me that to own a home is to be in debt. God has placed me into an unique situation where most of my income becomes discretionary. Thus if I save every dime I have eventually I will potentially have what I need to buy a home for a very small if any mortgage. That is really exciting for me. It will take many years of hard work and saving, but to eventually get there will mean the rest of my life to have financial freedom. To be able to live in my own home without paying a mortgage or rent payment, would mean that cash flow would be drastically increased. If cash flow is flowing freely, even with a less paying job, then I could be so much more flexible in supporting God's work, and potentially my family.
Exciting thoughts, but I am not foolish enough to think that God might have something else in mind for me. It would not be the first time. But for now, I have some fun long term and short term goals. We will see where God takes me down this path, this will be interesting no matter what happens!
Monday, February 16, 2009
Another attempt to explain Hope
Think of playing a game of cards. When playing cribbage with my dad, as we do often, there are times where the game is really close, and down to the wire either of us could win. Other times one of us is easily defeating the other player. Well cribbage is the accumulation of points, and you can only score so many points per hand so there is a place where if you are far enough behind the game might as well be over (you can't win). There is however the desire and hope that the cards might fall just right so that you can win, whether that is likely or not.
When playing games of any sort, if losing I will endeavor to pull out a victory no matter how much the odds are stacked against me. I tend to fight to the last man/card, no matter how bad the defeat is. While this is all friendly gaming and considered good sportsmanship, there is something else being illustrated here. I as a rule want to think I can still win, even if I can't.
The trouble comes when I am playing a game, or living a situation in life, where I know that no matter what I do failure is the only option. I will endeavor for a long time to continue to enjoy the game or survive with the situation as long as I can, but there is a breaking point. If this point is reached I have to stop. This is actually very depressing for me, if I don't think I can be successful I will look for something else to do, or change my life so that I can have a hope of success. To enjoy whatever it is I am doing, I have to feel like succeeding is even a slight possibility.
In life, I can deal with stressful situations for considerable periods of time. This leads to depressive emotions that eventually turn to feelings of resignation. In the past I have come to the conclusion that my life was stressing me out so much, it was not going to get better, nor any way to make it better (hopeless). This feeling of resignation comes in seeking to find something good out of a rotten situation. This is kind of like living with chronic pain; you seek not freedom from the pain, but rather a way to bear the pain.
I have to be able to see the silver lining in a situation, or I will get severely depressed. No matter how bad life is, if there is a light at the end of the tunnel, I can stand up and bear it. If not, then I will be looking to either fix or change my life circumstances. (Whether I realize this or not)
When playing games of any sort, if losing I will endeavor to pull out a victory no matter how much the odds are stacked against me. I tend to fight to the last man/card, no matter how bad the defeat is. While this is all friendly gaming and considered good sportsmanship, there is something else being illustrated here. I as a rule want to think I can still win, even if I can't.
The trouble comes when I am playing a game, or living a situation in life, where I know that no matter what I do failure is the only option. I will endeavor for a long time to continue to enjoy the game or survive with the situation as long as I can, but there is a breaking point. If this point is reached I have to stop. This is actually very depressing for me, if I don't think I can be successful I will look for something else to do, or change my life so that I can have a hope of success. To enjoy whatever it is I am doing, I have to feel like succeeding is even a slight possibility.
In life, I can deal with stressful situations for considerable periods of time. This leads to depressive emotions that eventually turn to feelings of resignation. In the past I have come to the conclusion that my life was stressing me out so much, it was not going to get better, nor any way to make it better (hopeless). This feeling of resignation comes in seeking to find something good out of a rotten situation. This is kind of like living with chronic pain; you seek not freedom from the pain, but rather a way to bear the pain.
I have to be able to see the silver lining in a situation, or I will get severely depressed. No matter how bad life is, if there is a light at the end of the tunnel, I can stand up and bear it. If not, then I will be looking to either fix or change my life circumstances. (Whether I realize this or not)
Friday, February 13, 2009
TTL Disappointing
I was playing tonight with a group of friends, the TTL Gunslingers. Tonight was the first time ever to be ashamed of them, and that is saying something. For a group that is known for their in and out of game behavior I have suffered a disappointment with their teamwork game play.
In a match where everyone uses the skills they have, I was doing well. I am good at driving and gunning (roadkill squad), and was doing good the majority of the match. The first mistake I make in the match was a communication error where I drove the wrong way not seeing where the objective was (5-10 second window of error). Before I could correct my mistake my revered teammates bailed on me, which is alright in itself, but then for the rest of the game trash talked me for that error. Not mentioning the fact that my driving was critical in at least one of the points we scored, almost two. (I have not reviewed the film to count yet...) Soon afterward in some chaos jumped on a hog turret, silent since the barrage of criticism, and racked up a killing spree.
My performance was exemplary considering the objective and the game at large. We won the match but they did not win any respect in my eyes. That is not how you treat your enemies, much less your allies and good gaming friends.
In a match where everyone uses the skills they have, I was doing well. I am good at driving and gunning (roadkill squad), and was doing good the majority of the match. The first mistake I make in the match was a communication error where I drove the wrong way not seeing where the objective was (5-10 second window of error). Before I could correct my mistake my revered teammates bailed on me, which is alright in itself, but then for the rest of the game trash talked me for that error. Not mentioning the fact that my driving was critical in at least one of the points we scored, almost two. (I have not reviewed the film to count yet...) Soon afterward in some chaos jumped on a hog turret, silent since the barrage of criticism, and racked up a killing spree.
My performance was exemplary considering the objective and the game at large. We won the match but they did not win any respect in my eyes. That is not how you treat your enemies, much less your allies and good gaming friends.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
YHWH-JIREH
Or as it is commonly seen, Jehovah Jireh.
God has really been opening some doors for me recently. I have been offered a job teaching at my school, getting a decent salary. But this job offer was contingent on me getting ACSI certified. So I called ACSI and they told me that to get recertified I would need to take a class called philosophy of education (christian education). The headmaster at this school told me to call ACSI and figure out what I needed to do, so that next week I could sign a contract. So my search for this class began.
I looked at the two local schools where I am attending to pursue my M.Ed. degree and nada. I checked out all the various programs that might qualify and nothing seemed to work correctly. I know that I have to get this class done and taken care of by the time I start teaching next fall, so it is going to have to be a summer course. With it not being held around here locally, I started checking some online courses. The local schools I am familiar with did not have it, so I checked my alma mater. Cedarville in fact did have it, but not online. So naturally, I called Cedarville to get more information. It turns not only do they have the class, but after checking with ACSI, it fits the requirement. (Class was only 2 credits, I was told I needed a 3 credit course). So the way to do it was to go to Cedarville in the summer stay there for two weeks while I took the class intensively. The Lord seemed to be even working out the price, for all who know CU the tuition is very high. I was able to get the class for 160 dollars a credit hour, or 320 total, unheard of at CU.
So feeling God has really provided with a way to do this seeming impossible class to find here, I call my headmaster to let him know. He promptly told me that if all I needed to get recertified was this class, he had a way for me to take the class on my own and never leave town. (also for free)
God seems to have be going down a path, and I am looking forward to continuing this journey. I am forever thankful I am in his hands and going in the direction he has chosen for my life. Nothing more peaceful or rewarding than that, even if currently I feel sick as a dog.
God has really been opening some doors for me recently. I have been offered a job teaching at my school, getting a decent salary. But this job offer was contingent on me getting ACSI certified. So I called ACSI and they told me that to get recertified I would need to take a class called philosophy of education (christian education). The headmaster at this school told me to call ACSI and figure out what I needed to do, so that next week I could sign a contract. So my search for this class began.
I looked at the two local schools where I am attending to pursue my M.Ed. degree and nada. I checked out all the various programs that might qualify and nothing seemed to work correctly. I know that I have to get this class done and taken care of by the time I start teaching next fall, so it is going to have to be a summer course. With it not being held around here locally, I started checking some online courses. The local schools I am familiar with did not have it, so I checked my alma mater. Cedarville in fact did have it, but not online. So naturally, I called Cedarville to get more information. It turns not only do they have the class, but after checking with ACSI, it fits the requirement. (Class was only 2 credits, I was told I needed a 3 credit course). So the way to do it was to go to Cedarville in the summer stay there for two weeks while I took the class intensively. The Lord seemed to be even working out the price, for all who know CU the tuition is very high. I was able to get the class for 160 dollars a credit hour, or 320 total, unheard of at CU.
So feeling God has really provided with a way to do this seeming impossible class to find here, I call my headmaster to let him know. He promptly told me that if all I needed to get recertified was this class, he had a way for me to take the class on my own and never leave town. (also for free)
God seems to have be going down a path, and I am looking forward to continuing this journey. I am forever thankful I am in his hands and going in the direction he has chosen for my life. Nothing more peaceful or rewarding than that, even if currently I feel sick as a dog.
Job Offer
I was more formally offered a job teaching at my school that I sub at today. I had been approached before, but this was official. As long as some paperwork works out, then I will be signing a contract sometime next week to be the new Junior High (7-9th) science and math teacher. This is both exciting and scary, but God is providing for me and I can't wait to see what he has next, not matter how stressful, busy, or just plain crazy.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Failure
When I was working at the Y, I had a honest friend say rather bluntly, "Dude you are afraid of failing!" While many people desire to succeed and not fail, that is not what he was saying. He was saying that I am practically phobic of failure. It was rather profound coming from a coworker that didn't know me all that well.
The truth of the matter is that I am afraid of failing, rejection, and that people might just think bad of me. I have been known (in the past) to change who I am to make sure that I am never thought ill of or rejected. The whole idea that someone might be angry with me or disappointed in my work ethic/behaviors was torture. It took me a long time to really see the truth in this particular personal character flaw.
I am not really sure where this flaw has come from. There are a lot of potentials in my past that could have been the source of it. The basic reason must be my personality combined with negative life experience. Growing up I was constantly having to make new friends because we moved constantly. In making new friends on the Jr. High level you learn to be like everyone else in order to be accepted and not ostracized. This is a very bad place to find yourself, because when you are there you have no idea its a problem. In fact people in this trap have no idea who they really are inside, just what is required of them on the outside.
This is rather a stumbling block for people with my personality type (S-I). We want to please everyone and make peace around us. We are the irrationally loyal, addicted to the good words of others for significance. What with this basic personality type and my history, I was a bad marriage waiting to happen.
It is easy to look back and say that I should have seen it coming, but that is really not true. I was so wrapped up in the moment and my own self-preservation that I could not see the danger lying in front of me. In my mind danger and pain would be a relationship ending painfully. Every action was partially tainted by the thought that if I don't be the perfect husband my marriage will fail. I saw a failed marriage as the worst possible thing ever nothing short of personal tragedy. I must admit when divorce did come it was a personal tragedy, not helping at all with my fear of failure. I had tasted failure and it was bitter, I never wanted to fail at anything again.
You cannot however base your life actions on not failing. I took a ministry position and worked my ass off there, but because of factors in and out of my control I was not successful with that position. I was not the person they needed in that job, my talents and passions were elsewhere. This time however my failure was not quite so painful, as it felt more as a misplacement of my talents rather than an attack on my person. (mostly)
I have recently been rejected as I attempted to pursue a relationship. (Second time ever rejected in relationships, if you don't count divorce) I would like to think that this time I put myself on the line much earlier than ever would have before. I was trying to trust God's will and rest with His decisions. This time instead of trying to control the whole process, I relaxed and allowed myself to be more open and honest. I wanted to be accepted by this gal based not on what she wanted me to be, but rather who I really am. It didn't work out, and that is ok. Sure it hurts a little, but whatever. I can't live that way anymore.
I still dislike failure and rejection adamantly but I pray that now at least I can recognize it for what it is and move past it.
The truth of the matter is that I am afraid of failing, rejection, and that people might just think bad of me. I have been known (in the past) to change who I am to make sure that I am never thought ill of or rejected. The whole idea that someone might be angry with me or disappointed in my work ethic/behaviors was torture. It took me a long time to really see the truth in this particular personal character flaw.
I am not really sure where this flaw has come from. There are a lot of potentials in my past that could have been the source of it. The basic reason must be my personality combined with negative life experience. Growing up I was constantly having to make new friends because we moved constantly. In making new friends on the Jr. High level you learn to be like everyone else in order to be accepted and not ostracized. This is a very bad place to find yourself, because when you are there you have no idea its a problem. In fact people in this trap have no idea who they really are inside, just what is required of them on the outside.
This is rather a stumbling block for people with my personality type (S-I). We want to please everyone and make peace around us. We are the irrationally loyal, addicted to the good words of others for significance. What with this basic personality type and my history, I was a bad marriage waiting to happen.
It is easy to look back and say that I should have seen it coming, but that is really not true. I was so wrapped up in the moment and my own self-preservation that I could not see the danger lying in front of me. In my mind danger and pain would be a relationship ending painfully. Every action was partially tainted by the thought that if I don't be the perfect husband my marriage will fail. I saw a failed marriage as the worst possible thing ever nothing short of personal tragedy. I must admit when divorce did come it was a personal tragedy, not helping at all with my fear of failure. I had tasted failure and it was bitter, I never wanted to fail at anything again.
You cannot however base your life actions on not failing. I took a ministry position and worked my ass off there, but because of factors in and out of my control I was not successful with that position. I was not the person they needed in that job, my talents and passions were elsewhere. This time however my failure was not quite so painful, as it felt more as a misplacement of my talents rather than an attack on my person. (mostly)
I have recently been rejected as I attempted to pursue a relationship. (Second time ever rejected in relationships, if you don't count divorce) I would like to think that this time I put myself on the line much earlier than ever would have before. I was trying to trust God's will and rest with His decisions. This time instead of trying to control the whole process, I relaxed and allowed myself to be more open and honest. I wanted to be accepted by this gal based not on what she wanted me to be, but rather who I really am. It didn't work out, and that is ok. Sure it hurts a little, but whatever. I can't live that way anymore.
I still dislike failure and rejection adamantly but I pray that now at least I can recognize it for what it is and move past it.
Debriefing
After talking with my mother this morning about an uncomfortable experience this weekend... i am feeling a bit confused and reeling. One of my cousins was coming Sunday night to stay the night and take my Grandfather with her to Delmar. I have some personal history with this gal, and it isn't good. More than once I have had to set boundaries and deal with her abrasive actions. I was dreading her coming, for all of our interactions of late had been over the internet (sense of control for me). But when someone who willfully disdains you comes into the sanctuary of your home it is difficult to bear.
I was not sure if I should have taken the path that was overly nice, i.e. pick her up at the airport, attempt to have conversation, etc. This was not to be, as my mother jumped up and went to pick her up. The second she walked into the house I proverbially felt my skin crawl. She is overly loud, almost like half shouting when just talking. She constantly is trying to one-up people, and show how her opinions are the only ones that matter. She has perfected the art of putting people down so that she is lifted up. Comments that from one person might be sincere and kind, from her are laced with venom. (That is not just my perception either, other people back me up) It didn't take me long before I very carefully, quickly, and quietly got my coat, then told my mother in german that I was going to the store to buy something. I was attempting to obey my mom, as she constantly said to me and my sister when we were kids, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all!" By the time I got home a hour and a half later everyone was in bed. The entire time I was gone, I was talking to my best friends to calm down.
The title of the article is debriefing, for that is what happened this morning as I talked about it with my mother. She was surprised at how strongly my cousin affected me, making the comment that I still had a lot of healing to do. This was an unexpected comment, as I thought vamoosing was the best way to be good. She replied that because this gal acted so much like Heather did in how she treated me I could not handle it. She said that she watched me physically recoil and pull into myself at my cousin's abrasiveness. More was said, but what bothered me was the truth to my mother's statement. Why did I respond this way? Why with this person of all persons did I violently withdraw and feel so threatened? I need to mull over this one for a while.
I was not sure if I should have taken the path that was overly nice, i.e. pick her up at the airport, attempt to have conversation, etc. This was not to be, as my mother jumped up and went to pick her up. The second she walked into the house I proverbially felt my skin crawl. She is overly loud, almost like half shouting when just talking. She constantly is trying to one-up people, and show how her opinions are the only ones that matter. She has perfected the art of putting people down so that she is lifted up. Comments that from one person might be sincere and kind, from her are laced with venom. (That is not just my perception either, other people back me up) It didn't take me long before I very carefully, quickly, and quietly got my coat, then told my mother in german that I was going to the store to buy something. I was attempting to obey my mom, as she constantly said to me and my sister when we were kids, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all!" By the time I got home a hour and a half later everyone was in bed. The entire time I was gone, I was talking to my best friends to calm down.
The title of the article is debriefing, for that is what happened this morning as I talked about it with my mother. She was surprised at how strongly my cousin affected me, making the comment that I still had a lot of healing to do. This was an unexpected comment, as I thought vamoosing was the best way to be good. She replied that because this gal acted so much like Heather did in how she treated me I could not handle it. She said that she watched me physically recoil and pull into myself at my cousin's abrasiveness. More was said, but what bothered me was the truth to my mother's statement. Why did I respond this way? Why with this person of all persons did I violently withdraw and feel so threatened? I need to mull over this one for a while.
Monday, February 9, 2009
God Provides
I went to school to substitute today and was asked by two teachers to sub for them in the coming weeks and months. I was only expecting to sub once this month, and now i have subbed three times, and three more times coming right up! Thanks God
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Who ya gonna call?
When there's something strange, in the neighborhood, who ya gonna call? Mark Wallace!
If there's something weird and it don't look good, who ya gonna call? Mark Wallace!
I ain't afraid of no stress!
If your seeing things running through your head.. who ya gonna call? Mark Wallace!
If your all alone, and you need a friend who ya gonna call? Mark Wallace!
If there's something weird and it don't look good, who ya gonna call? Mark Wallace!
I ain't afraid of no stress!
If your seeing things running through your head.. who ya gonna call? Mark Wallace!
If your all alone, and you need a friend who ya gonna call? Mark Wallace!
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Movie Review Response
A friend of mine just got back from watching the movie "He's just not that into you" and wrote her own review to it. I will list that here for reference sake.
I was thinking about this and felt almost stereotyped. But I am not sure why. I would like to think that if I was interested in a girl my intentions would be loud and clear, but thinking about it not anymore. After going through hell and back I am so careful to let my intentions be put out for fear of being hurt by them again. But even this is not entirely true, being an "S" I am entirely unable to hide my feelings for people, good or bad.
Two instances come to mind, one I was attracted to this gal, mostly because of all the attention she was giving me. It was honestly hard not to reciprocate those emotions, as it had been so long since someone cared about me. It eventually took me being verbally blunt and physically distant to communicate with her that it was not meant to be. There is another girl, a friend and former coworker that I could tell was crushing on me. This time before any negative results could come about I firmly and verbally communicated to her that my intentions were not for her. Thankfully I still have a friendship with her, albeit from a distance.
Then there is this other girl. I met her again for the first time in years and was completely blown away. I have never met someone so whole and complete. If I ever venture to marry it would be either her, or someone just like her. We had the chance to get together and talk, and from that I found that I really was attracted to her. (for brevity sake I leave out the details why) There is one gigantic problem facing me though... How do you pursue and court a girl that does not live near you? Actually also a secondary problem, I will not be able to support a family (aka get married) until I am done with school and have a job. (read 2-3 years)
Now in response to my friends movie review, how am I supposed to show the appropriate interest in this girl? I would surely love to, in fact I would like to think I would be rather good at making someone feel loved. (Pride I know) However, in my attempt to start something before she left for school herself again, I was unable to secure her phone number, but just permission to communicate over the internet. In fact on further investigation I have found that she does not like even using IM as a communication medium.
Now this is where the devil's advocate comes in, why don't I just email and ask for her phone number? By not asking for the only way to communicate well with her, are you not telling her you are not interested in her? Hmm. charges leveled against me.
This was my comment on her Facebook page, being too careful can make a man go to slow in the pursuit and loose the girl. Would it not be wise, however, to make sure you are doing the right thing and courting the right person at the right time? I am not sure the answer to that, but one thing I do know... I know I have met and befriended the most amazing Christian woman I have ever met. She was so impressive to me that I added her to my daily prayer list.
I have learned the very hard way to trust God in his leading and guiding. I don't ever want to hold back in following and trusting Him. He has never steered me wrong. I want the very best for this gal, so much that if I am not for her, then more the better that I never get in the way. But if the Lord should grant mercy to me his broken son, then hallelujah! We will just have to see what happens next.
I went and saw this movie tonight. Let me tell you that this would have saved me a lot of heartache if I had a clue about this concept years ago. Mostly applying to dating situations, the basic premise is this: if a guy does not call you, ask you out, make time to see you, ask to meet your friends, or generally does not make you a very important part of his life, then he's just not that into you.
Plain and simple.
It's really that easy.
Men are not complicated like some ladies think they are, and we (ladies) should not make excuses for why they don't call, show up, ask us out, or genuinely show an avid interest in us.
It feels liberating to know that I'm not the only one who has wondered why a guy didn't really seem that interested, whether up front or over time. And you know what, it's okay, because it doesn't mean something is wrong with me. It just means that I can free myself up to be ready for the guy that is into me - whenever that may be.
Rating: Five Star
I was thinking about this and felt almost stereotyped. But I am not sure why. I would like to think that if I was interested in a girl my intentions would be loud and clear, but thinking about it not anymore. After going through hell and back I am so careful to let my intentions be put out for fear of being hurt by them again. But even this is not entirely true, being an "S" I am entirely unable to hide my feelings for people, good or bad.
Two instances come to mind, one I was attracted to this gal, mostly because of all the attention she was giving me. It was honestly hard not to reciprocate those emotions, as it had been so long since someone cared about me. It eventually took me being verbally blunt and physically distant to communicate with her that it was not meant to be. There is another girl, a friend and former coworker that I could tell was crushing on me. This time before any negative results could come about I firmly and verbally communicated to her that my intentions were not for her. Thankfully I still have a friendship with her, albeit from a distance.
Then there is this other girl. I met her again for the first time in years and was completely blown away. I have never met someone so whole and complete. If I ever venture to marry it would be either her, or someone just like her. We had the chance to get together and talk, and from that I found that I really was attracted to her. (for brevity sake I leave out the details why) There is one gigantic problem facing me though... How do you pursue and court a girl that does not live near you? Actually also a secondary problem, I will not be able to support a family (aka get married) until I am done with school and have a job. (read 2-3 years)
Now in response to my friends movie review, how am I supposed to show the appropriate interest in this girl? I would surely love to, in fact I would like to think I would be rather good at making someone feel loved. (Pride I know) However, in my attempt to start something before she left for school herself again, I was unable to secure her phone number, but just permission to communicate over the internet. In fact on further investigation I have found that she does not like even using IM as a communication medium.
Now this is where the devil's advocate comes in, why don't I just email and ask for her phone number? By not asking for the only way to communicate well with her, are you not telling her you are not interested in her? Hmm. charges leveled against me.
Wow... I feel categorized and labeled. The real beauty to this is understanding a guy who is just treading carefully, so as to not do something stupid and ruin everything in the process.
goodness I feel a blog post coming on!
This was my comment on her Facebook page, being too careful can make a man go to slow in the pursuit and loose the girl. Would it not be wise, however, to make sure you are doing the right thing and courting the right person at the right time? I am not sure the answer to that, but one thing I do know... I know I have met and befriended the most amazing Christian woman I have ever met. She was so impressive to me that I added her to my daily prayer list.
I have learned the very hard way to trust God in his leading and guiding. I don't ever want to hold back in following and trusting Him. He has never steered me wrong. I want the very best for this gal, so much that if I am not for her, then more the better that I never get in the way. But if the Lord should grant mercy to me his broken son, then hallelujah! We will just have to see what happens next.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Ohio or Texas?
I have come to the conclusion recently that I will not be able to settle here in NOVA. While living here is providing me with the opportunity to attend school and not crash, the cost of living is exorbitant. 1500 for a one bedroom apartment, etc. My parents also know that there will come a time when they will have to leave here, the question is where will they or I go when this time comes?
I have always had a desire to go back to Xenia, Ohio to be with my best friend and his family. He and I are close as brothers, at least that's how I see him. I have yearned to go back and live near him again and settle down. This has been the only real place I have ever felt at home other than here.
Now, however, there is another opportunity that is presenting itself. My aunt and uncle are moving part time back to Dallas to start a small coffee shop business. I have lived in Texas twice before and enjoyed it. The draw to Texas would be to be near family. I have two cousins and their families that live in the Dallas area, and now my aunt and uncle are going back there. My father also might consider moving to Texas as he is fed up with snow and driving in it. That being said I would be able to ride a motorcycle almost year round in Texas where that would be more limited in Ohio.
Wherever I go, I would like my parents to follow, and they have stated decently clearly that where my sister is, holds to much snow and to high of property taxes. I would love to have my family closer together again, that really would be great. However I am much closer to my "brother" in Ohio than any of my family other than my parents.
In Ohio there is potential for my father to get a job because of the local industry, we would also be within driving distance to my sister. Ohio also offers something that I am looking for... Wind. As far as my research has gone I would be able to have wind generators in Ohio, something I have wanted for along time. I have also wanted to build an Earth sheltered home, which honestly can be built in either locality.
One of the things that really bugs me about Ohio though are the rather terrible gun laws. Ohio recently pass legislation that allows one to conceal carry, but almost every building or store there refuses CCDW to enter their store legally. This makes it practically impossible to defend your self, if every time you go somewhere you have to leave your firearm in the car.
I am sure there are more reasons, but for now, I am going to have to keep on with my education and praying for guidance for the years to come.
I have always had a desire to go back to Xenia, Ohio to be with my best friend and his family. He and I are close as brothers, at least that's how I see him. I have yearned to go back and live near him again and settle down. This has been the only real place I have ever felt at home other than here.
Now, however, there is another opportunity that is presenting itself. My aunt and uncle are moving part time back to Dallas to start a small coffee shop business. I have lived in Texas twice before and enjoyed it. The draw to Texas would be to be near family. I have two cousins and their families that live in the Dallas area, and now my aunt and uncle are going back there. My father also might consider moving to Texas as he is fed up with snow and driving in it. That being said I would be able to ride a motorcycle almost year round in Texas where that would be more limited in Ohio.
Wherever I go, I would like my parents to follow, and they have stated decently clearly that where my sister is, holds to much snow and to high of property taxes. I would love to have my family closer together again, that really would be great. However I am much closer to my "brother" in Ohio than any of my family other than my parents.
In Ohio there is potential for my father to get a job because of the local industry, we would also be within driving distance to my sister. Ohio also offers something that I am looking for... Wind. As far as my research has gone I would be able to have wind generators in Ohio, something I have wanted for along time. I have also wanted to build an Earth sheltered home, which honestly can be built in either locality.
One of the things that really bugs me about Ohio though are the rather terrible gun laws. Ohio recently pass legislation that allows one to conceal carry, but almost every building or store there refuses CCDW to enter their store legally. This makes it practically impossible to defend your self, if every time you go somewhere you have to leave your firearm in the car.
I am sure there are more reasons, but for now, I am going to have to keep on with my education and praying for guidance for the years to come.
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