Tonight I was really convicted of something. We were all singing, practicing the choir music, and I saw Wayne lift his hands, eyes, and heart to God in worship. This is not to say that I never worship, or don't know my Lord Jesus Christ. I just was singing the music that was in front of me without really paying attention to the words. I was trying to sing the song correctly, as we were going through it for the first time.
Sometimes I wonder what is wrong with me. I often see the outward appearance of things, and not the deep significance of them. Am I so desensitized that I can't see the beauty of God in everything? I saw a military Chaplin give his testimony while he was in uniform, and I was wondering at the style of camouflage he was wearing. While I heard and really liked what he had to say, it was an awesome testimony, I had to fight my head being focused on the worldly things surrounding that testimony.
How do I process this? I have the ability to see God's beauty in many things, especially the beauty of his creation. Yet I have the tendency to get so caught up in what I am doing that I don't realize what is actually going on (Singing words and not paying any attention to what the words say, for example).
I have a feeling this is just how God has wired me, for I know that I deeply love him and his plans for me. I know that I communicate with Him, and trust what He has written for us to know. But I also know that I am very one-track minded. I am terrible at multitasking. Maybe what I am dealing with is just a reflection of that part of my personality? I am not sure yet, but at the very least I want to be more conscious of what is going on around me.
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A long time ago I was able to keep myself alive only on this: that my earthly life isn't evil, and that there's more to this life than being as 'spiritual' as a monk (read: the goal of most 'evangelical' preachers & laymen for our lives)
ReplyDeleteI'm a human, and dangit that's ok.
At the same time, Col 3 still calls us to keep looking up, of which I'll assume that 'looking through' (this life to see God's handiwork as you describe) is part of it.
Sometimes we're tired, and that's not a sin. Sometimes church *is* boring, and that's it's not a crime to consider what God has placed in our minds; conversely, when is too much discipline outside God's interest for us?
This is life: having too many options.