Class

I have found that my Astronomy professor has come to an undeniable conclusion... most of his students at the community college don't care enough to teach the subject well.
He does a great job explaining all the concepts needed, but when he gets to the math that is associated with them, he super quickly does the equations and the derivatives of them, that following him is next to impossible. But what is really funny is that he does not even realize that he is doing it. He does equations on the board with smile on his face like it was the most fun thing in the world to do astrophysics. Its really funny to watch, rather hard to learn.

Assumptions and Pride

Lately I have been struggling with the ideas I think to be correct and provable, only to be completely shot down. Whether this idea is how infrared vision works to politics. I have a lot of knowledge, 2 college degrees can make a man think he actually knows things. But in reality I am finding out more and more every day how much I do not know.

Maybe this is an offshoot of the fact that I am attempting to become a teacher. I am expected to know things and always be ready to show other people truth. I also often sit in my father's Sunday school class and have to occasionally correct some of the ideas coming from the class concerning theology.

It is so frustrating to make a statement in a debate, thinking you are 100% right, only to be proven 100% wrong. Part of me wants to deny it and argue, and part of me is so embarrassed to be proven wrong I just want to vacate the premises. This is unfortunately the pride rearing its ugly head. Why is it so hard to take correction lightly? Well I am working every day to get better at this, and Lord willing with his abundant grace I will continue to mature.

The question then becomes, do you avoid potential situations where you might be proved wrong and not speak, or just go on and attempt to stifle the selfish pride when it arrives?

Isaac Newton

I was a little disappointed to find out that one of science's greats has let me down. Isaac Newton has not lived up to either of his namesakes, Isaac, or fig newton tasty goodness.

I watched a video about him in Astronomy class, that dealt with his personal life based on his own personal writings. It turns out that while he was a genius he was more than a sloppy theologian. He was an Anti-Trinitarian heretic. To put more plainly his way of deducing life led him to believe that Jesus is not God. This originally came about from the Aryans, and almost broke the church in the 3rd century.

Newton came up with a way to study and look at the world, specifically calculus and physics. The "Newtonian" laws he came up with plus the calculus led him to believe that all things were results of cause and effect, and those effects could be calculated. This led him to think that the future could be figured out by calculations and he even "calculated" the return of Christ to be the year 2060. The French under René Descartes took his ideas and tore God out of them, leading to the "enlightenment."

Kind of frustrating, but as I raise my fig newtons high, I will remember what they could have stood for. very sad

Future and Plans

My recent addition to the TTL Gunslinger's online community has caused me to start thinking about my social situation here. I have "found" an online community that are almost as close as family, and spend more time together than most friends do. They seem to find their social outlet in each other over the internet.

I have been talking with my best friend, (read processing life thoughts), and wondering about my life. Since I have moved home with my family, I have not really reached out to befriend many people my age here. I am part of my parents sunday school class, and their adult bible fellowship, both of which I rather enjoy. I decided to become part of the music ministry at the church, it is what I did in my old church, but the majority of the choir and orchestra are all much older than me. I have developed some friendship, or better affectionate acquaintances, with many people but not any with people of my age group. Why?

I realized that I have three real friends in this life, Stephen, Mark, and Jim. They were friends of mine while we went to college together, and at that college developed through some rough times into core friendships. I still communicate with them, and am friends with their wives as well. (Mark is not married yet) I found myself thinking as I was communicating with Stephen, that I would rather finish my training to be a teacher here, then transfer to where I can be near him and Jim again.

I am a military brat, and being such meant that we never had the chance to grow up with our friends. In fact, my sister and I were constantly having to make new friendships and then break them again. In this we are both hesitant to attempt to make new real friends, to let someone into our soul. She has since stopped moving and has put down some roots with her wonderful husband and some solid relationships where she is. I, however, have not stopped moving yet, and adding a failed marriage on top of my complex about not wanting to share my soul to friends is making it very hard for me to really put down roots here, other than what I can control. Deep down I want to be able to live here and have friends, but when there is a thought in the back of my mind that I might move again, then that desire is abated.

I have been challenged to rise above myself and make what friends I can while I am here, knowing that it will not jeopardize my relationships with Stephen, Mark, and Jim. Then I realized something, these three men and their families including Carmen, are as close to me as family. If they needed anything I would do whatever it would take to be with them and help them. My earthly family is small, and these men have in my mind been adopted into it. Thinking about it that way makes a bit more sense to me, for I have already changed my life before to be there for family I know that I would do it again.

When I was married, I had become an uncle to my then wife's niece's and nephew's. I thought that was the most wonderful thing, but it truly meant so much more to me when Mackenzie was born to Stephen. I am not her uncle, though they have called me that, but she is more dear to my heart than the other children ever would be. I know this is partly because of being divorced and abandoned by her family. However her family never loved me and cared for me the way that Stephen and Carla do, or the way Mark and Jim do. This will not be true of my sister's child when she/he is born, but that blessing has yet to come.

I am not sure where God is going to take me in the future, all I know is that He has guided me down a path. I can only see a couple steps a time and have an idea where the path may lead. I am learning to become a high-school teacher, where I will teach long term I have absolutely no idea. I have a desire though to look again at Cedarville, and Cedarcliff High.

Patience

I have noticed that the longer that I am on my own again, the more I want to stand up for myself. For half a decade i allowed myself to be walked on, and I find that now I want to pendulum swing in the other direction. For example last night I was listening to Harry Potter 4 audiobook and there was a situation where Harry was being treated more than unfairly. I found myself wanting to react to stand up and get in the face of the oppressor.

I am having to relearn the fine line between sucking it up and taking it, to fight back no holds barred.

Will have to think about this more later.

My Dog Midnight

TTL Gunslingers

For the last month or so I have been doing my online gaming with a clan called the Gunslingers. Two of my good friends have been members for a long time (Halo 2). So I have been playing with them off and on since. I never became part of the clan, and now that the clan has such popularity in the Gaming world, probably never will. However, since I have been playing a bit more regularly with them, I have been having a really good time.

They play as a team, everyone has a job assignment, and work together to accomplish the goal. They strive to be good sports and keep the talk clean. They also are very communicative as to where the enemy location is, so that they can fight as a unit. In the 4 hours or so that I played with them last night, we lost only once. That Loss came only when we were randomly hooked up with another crew from TTL.

It is becoming more fun as some of the core members are becoming familiar and friendly with me, rather than just my personal two friends. Last night a member joined us and said, "Hey Bearded haven't seen you in forever!" etc. To play with this crew, you have to want to get better, but be willing to follow the team. Even if following the team means you don't share the glory of the win. The example that bears this best is the job Honor Guard. The honor guard are a couple of guys who protect the base from being raided. This is a no glory job, but if not done well, then you can lose the game quickly and without warning. (From the other team getting the flag or whatever).

Although I prefer to play with Dem and Sword, last night was the first time I stayed on after they left. It made for some good gaming times. BTW my picture is my xbox-live avatar.

Science

This is going to be a very interesting semester. Every class I have so far seems like they are trying to indoctrinate their students into a naturalist worldview. Yet so many times already I have heard the profs speak on how something is just a mystery, or there is no way to explain how this is, etc. God fits so perfectly into what I am studying, yet my astronomy professor told me that religion has nothing to do with science, but often butts its nose into science's business.

I feel like I am going on a journey to learn all about God in how our world works, but in that journey I am undercover. It is not the place to speak out on how they are wrong, how their worldview is blinding them, etc. Thus I am finding myself trying to quietly glean all the information that I can that is truth, the information that is false, and spit it all back out in the form of quizzes and tests.

I am a bit torn, but I really love the true essence of what I am studying. I love how science points to our awesome creator! This will be a very interesting and profitable journey into the depths of majesty of God.

Pride Sucks but God is Growing Me

I recently had to confess to my accountability partner about a reaction I gave to a message I received and replied to on Facebook. It took talking with him to realize just how wrong I was too.
Background: Amy and I dated for 10 months almost a decade ago. During our relationship I did a couple of things right, first off it was hands off. We didn't kiss until the last couple weeks or so of our relationship. That saved me a lot of pain when we did eventually split up. Second off, I got creative and wrote a poem to her and superimposed it onto a picture she took. The picture was of a camping trip she went on in Hawaii. She fell over herself on how much she liked the picture, but she didn't seem to like our relationship enough to fix it when it started to have issues so it died. Or better said after I had enough I killed it.

Getting into why I killed it is a long story, but suffice to say she was not all that good at communication or conflict resolution. After ten months of dating she didn't know whether or not she loved me, among other things. When the relationship ended it was not pretty. I was not being very forthcoming in talking about why I ended it, and she was being cruelly manipulative in attempts to get what she wanted. That with a few more reasons caused our breakup to get a little ugly. It ended with me pretty much hoping I never heard from her again.

In all honesty I had forgiven her soon after this all happened, and had mostly forgotten about it. In fact the poem I wrote was the one, of the plethora of poems I authored, that I was remotely happy with. Thus the poem and picture have always been a happy memory for me about something good I did. I had just detached the memory of who the poem was for and made it a general truth about who I wanted to be. So when I posted the poem and picture with it on my Facebook page I never thought anything about it.

So when I heard from her via Facebook message of all things, I was shocked. But I must admit, I was not upset as much that she had sent me a message, but rather that she was able to send me a message. I thought that I had made my self unsearchable to anyone that I didn't want to find me. I had this mental barrier set up that protected myself from anyone being able to hurt me again. If no one that had ever hurt me could contact me ever again, then I could control my life a bit better. This is where I say that pride sucks! It was my pride that was injured more than anything.

Before I should have I popped off the above response. I really didn't want to be hurtful with my words, but looking back on it now, I was really wrong in saying what I did the way I did. What I was really saying was, "How dare you try and contact me again! I don't want anything to do with you!"

I have had to go to God and ask forgiveness for this, it was very wrong of me. I am so surprised how the sinful nature can still sneak up and stab me when I am not prepared for it. God is slowly pruning me of things I never new where an issue. I obviously had never really forgiven her, or at least had not continually forgiven her of all the hurt I had received 9 years ago. I feel like a stupid teenager again, for that is what my response was, immature.

I can make all kinds of arguments on her being in the wrong, but that would be just rationalization of my wrong comments. I have since apologized in the most sincere way I know how. I find myself quoting Romans 7 over and over again. "Oh Wretched man that I am who will free me from this body of death."

Counseling last night

I could really have used some help from a friend of mine who is seeking out a career in counseling in the sunny state of Texas. A friend/colleague of mine from a bookstore job I did over the Christmas season has been texting me over the last few days trying to get me to talk to her. I was rather hesitant in talking with her, as I have no desire to be her confidant, counselor, etc. Girls with problems have a way of latching on the person who is trying to help them, and that can cause even more issues. Thus I was attempting to avoid conversations with her.

Well last night it seemed like it came to a point where I needed to actually talk to her and set some boundaries so that she would not keep texting me trying to get me to talk or meet her somewhere. So at the end of my Halo extravaganza I asked my best friend Stephen to pray for me as I was going to call her back and deal with whatever needed to be dealt with.

The conversation turned out to be longer than I wanted, but I was thinking she just wanted to talk to me because of some attraction she had with me, not what I found. This girl is very nice, but has some really problems that she needs to deal with. She is the type of person that feels like she carries the weight of the world upon her shoulders, but has no support from anyone including family. She has never been to college, and has a house to support all by herself. She is attending a church that is dying and is not providing for her spiritual needs.

I must admit because of the way I had to prepare myself for this conversation I was not sugarcoating anything. I told her flat out that in order for her to begin to heal, she needs to be spending ample time each day in the Bible and in prayer, as she is stressing and worrying about everything. The second big thing I told her she needed to do, was to find a church that would start meeting some of her needs. Specifically, she needs an older woman of the faith to be mentoring and caring for her.

In the end I got my point across, while still trying to be gentle in my approach. There is so much more that I don't have time to write about concerning how to talk to someone who is in need, that can wait. What I did do was make it clear that as much as I like to help and talk to people, in her case it is not appropriate for me to counsel her on a regular basis. (aka more than once)

It went well, I hope she gets the help she needs, I recommended a professional counselor. Today I called my accountability partner and best friend so that he knew what happened, also because he was praying for me. This relationship I have with him has been instrumental in my current spiritual growth.

Oh well, time to eat, the house smells so good!

Stage Tear Down

Today was the last day of taking apart our Christmas set/stage. This past week we took the stage apart and got it into big and little pieces. We got permission to store the stage in a long box that belongs to Emmanuel. The really ironic thing is that this church has three long boxes (semi-trailer) that are full of sets and junk from a program our worship leader did when he used to work at this church, years ago.

We hauled the stuff to the church in two trailers and a small pickup bed full. In order to load it all into the trailer we had to empty the middle trailer. This trailer was almost half full (like a bucket of water half full) with junk. It took the better part of a half hour just to get enough out and make a pile of it on the ground to make room to fit our set in on the inside.

While I was helping to empty the feeder out (long box) two other choir members took my truck and the big trailer and backed it up to where we were. There was about 3-4 inches on the one side and 7-8 inches on the other side, needless to say I was impressed with the backing job.

It made for a good morning project, just for some tense driving there and back, because the trailer didn't have any lights connected.

Teaching today

I spent a working day teaching third grade at Emmanuel yesterday. I must admit I was rather nervous about going and teaching grade school. There are a couple of reasons for this.

First off, I have never formally taught a classroom full of 8 year-old's before. Sure I have worked with this age group before. In fact, I actually have quite a bit of experience with this age group; however, I have never had them for more than an hour or two. In addition, those two hours would always be broken into three or four segments or more, thus working well with a child's attention span.

Second, I had a rather bad experience with third grade as a child. Thus this grade does not rate on my favorites in which to experience again. At least this reason is more easily dealt with. I know well that this is irrational, and was able to overcome it with a bit of logic and reason.

Well I will be the first to admit that I had a good time teaching these 14 children (3 boys 11 girls). I walked into a teacher class that was already well behaved, and she was so organized I had little to do but follow the post-its to get done what she wanted. I taught Bible, Reading, Penmanship, Math, etc. I did have fun working with them in long division.

I did notice a few things that caused me to be thankful that I am pursuing secondary education for my teaching career. The first is the more profound, they are not able to think abstractly. I knew this going in, from my training in education from College, but it really hit home dealing with it. These children were very smart, but could only do so much with their concrete thinking. This came out most in math as they had to slowly work their way through problems, while I could actually "see" the solution without the work. I was able to successfully teach them, but I prefer to work with greater concepts that high schooler's wrestle with.

Another caution that I saw was the extreme creativity and organization that is required to work with this age group effectively. She was amazingly crafty, creative, and organized in multiple ways. This is just not a strength that I have. I can work and make myself organized so that grades and coursework can happen, but the ways that this teacher had set up to work with these children was just amazing. A little above my head.

The last caution that I saw was less profound. You can not turn your back on little kids. In elementary school, you have the children all the day long. There is no changing classes every hour, there is not opportunity for teachers who drink to much water to go to the bathroom. This was a problem yesterday.

In all I enjoyed the experience, got paid for it, and made some more connections with Christian people. My legs were sore like no other all night because I had literally been standing all day long. I am going to get back into shape to teach, or teaching is going to get me back into shape.

Going through the motions?

Tonight I was really convicted of something. We were all singing, practicing the choir music, and I saw Wayne lift his hands, eyes, and heart to God in worship. This is not to say that I never worship, or don't know my Lord Jesus Christ. I just was singing the music that was in front of me without really paying attention to the words. I was trying to sing the song correctly, as we were going through it for the first time.

Sometimes I wonder what is wrong with me. I often see the outward appearance of things, and not the deep significance of them. Am I so desensitized that I can't see the beauty of God in everything? I saw a military Chaplin give his testimony while he was in uniform, and I was wondering at the style of camouflage he was wearing. While I heard and really liked what he had to say, it was an awesome testimony, I had to fight my head being focused on the worldly things surrounding that testimony.

How do I process this? I have the ability to see God's beauty in many things, especially the beauty of his creation. Yet I have the tendency to get so caught up in what I am doing that I don't realize what is actually going on (Singing words and not paying any attention to what the words say, for example).

I have a feeling this is just how God has wired me, for I know that I deeply love him and his plans for me. I know that I communicate with Him, and trust what He has written for us to know. But I also know that I am very one-track minded. I am terrible at multitasking. Maybe what I am dealing with is just a reflection of that part of my personality? I am not sure yet, but at the very least I want to be more conscious of what is going on around me.

Darn Tenors

I have said that over and over again for as long as I can remember being a singer. I always wanted to sing with the tenors and have never been able to. For years and years when I was at the peak of my singing and training, I could never sing above an E.

All the good solos, singers, groups, songs, etc. have awesome tenor parts. I have wanted to for years to be able to sing them, and never avail when I try. Then you hear me say again "Damn Tenors!"

When I moved back here, I have found an unusual thing came with me, a higher tonal register. This past Christmas musical I was regularly singing parts that typically only tenors can sing. While I am still not a tenor, just a baritone/bass, I have been singing up to an F for the past 4 months.

This semester I am unfortunately not going to be able to sing in the choir as I will have a class when we sing. So tonight was the last time I will be able to practice with the choir on Wednesday nights for a while. I plan to still sing on Sunday mornings, just learn the music on my own. Thus I decided to have a little fun. Last Sunday I decided to try and sing the tenor part because they didn't have but one tenor, and way to many basses. So tonight I did the same thing, and all but one song I was able to sing the tenor line.

This is so amazing to me, I will never be a true tenor, but it has been so much fun to sing a different line and harmony. I hope I can continue this in the future, its been a fun journey while it lasts.

Goals and desires open handed

Today Pastor Billy spoke about his son who is in the Army. His son was top of his class academically and physically winning awards and honors for how well he did in the Army. His goal for the last 4-5 years has been to be Airborne/Army Ranger. Today or yesterday he called his father after a week or two of the training, and told him that he pulled a hamstring doing PT and was out. He has won awards for doing PT, it was a walk in the park for him. God was clearly telling this young man that now is not the time to be doing Ranger training.

Whenever God does these things in our lives, it is extremely disappointing. It hurts when we think we have the will of God in our plans and lives, and God reveals a new track for us to follow that is contrary to what we want to do.

He reminded us, to hold your life with an open hand. To let God have complete control so that when he changes something we are doing, we are not so devastated, but rather declare so be it, to God be the Glory.

This hit me when he was speaking, as I have recently let my heart go away with my desires and my emotions. Now it is time to reign them in and give God more complete control of my life. It is not that I was going out of God's plan with my desires and heart, it is more that I want to be more consciously giving God my life and plans. I have an idea what he wants from me, and nothing more. I tend to fill in all the gaps with thoughts and speculations and desires.

Yes I want to become a public school teacher, marry a girl as awesome as the one I am reacquainting myself with, and be able to support and have a family. That is indeed my goal and my desire, but I know that God has a way of changing things, and when that happens I want to be able to obey without question.

My life is not my own, I am bought with a price. This life is so brief, we are not guaranteed anything but our eternal salvation. (This is not an exclusive statement, follow the context and you will be ok mark) Eternity has already begun, and as a Christian this is the hard part of it, when death or Christ comes, then all this stress will be gone and I will be with my savior for all time, Hallelujah!

Belonging

I got the opportunity to help tear down the stairs I helped build for the Christmas program. Even though we are trying to save all the pieces of the set, it is still coming down much faster than we put it up, go figure. We hope to have it all down today, we are down mostly to the big sections that don't come apart.

When I am working on a project like this I always feel like I belong to something. Maybe that is why I love helping people, because it provides that self-assuring sense to me that I am not a waste of space. Either way it feels good to belong to something. I had a similar sense while working at UPS. The work there was very demanding, emotionally and physically, but I felt like I belonged to something larger than myself.

It is just part of who I am, how God made me, that I love to invest myself in others. I know that is one reason that I would love to be in a relationship again, because I would have the privilege of giving so much emotional support and attention to somebody I care about or love. I enjoy the act of thinking up and doing creative things that will make someone happy.

The danger is obvious though, it is a trap that I might change who I am and how I behave to make someone else happy. This is a fine line that I fear I am going to need help with. If ever I do become involved with someone again, even if they are awesome and won't manipulate me into changing to suit their desires, I will need accountability to prevent me from falling into the trap. It is going to be quite the woman who can help and prevent me from going down that road. That is a key requirement in the character of the person I will marry, for it can make or break me.

School's comin'

I went up to my new college campus today. Payed 400 for three classes of science books, including two used copies. Got my student ID and kind of an idea where my classes will be held.

I am looking forward to this next year of classes, as it will be interesting, intense, and brief. This next degree will be divided into sections, easier for me to accomplish. the first year will be at community college getting the science credits I require for my science endorsement for Grad school. The next year and a half will be covering the teaching classes I will be taking at Grad school. At the end of that I have my "student teaching." All that will get me licensed and certified to teach in this state. Then I have the option to continue on with grad school to finish a masters in education. (4 classes) I have a long way to go; however, with the workload being split up into pieces it should go by rather quickly.

At the end of all this, I will have a job in the public school system. This is what I am looking for, of course, as it will allow me to live on my own and if the Lord desires have my own family. Two and a half to three years until I can feasibly support my own family, that's not to bad.

Opportunity knocks...

I got a chance to have a couple conversations with my old friend. I had a coffee date with her this last week and found out that she is the most attractive girl I have ever met. Every time we talk we get along really well. I love her family, from the little I know of them. The best thing about her is that her attractiveness comes not just from the outside but the godly beauty that shines within her. Well, she just left to go back to school in Dallas, Texas. I don't know if this is an opportunity or not, so I am waiting on the Lord to lead me on what to do. I must be crazy, but at least this time it is a girl who doesn't need to be saved, but would make an equal companion. I guess I am crazy to like a gal that lives in Texas; how does one "dance" that far away?

Painting and projects

I learned a bit about myself yesterday. I started a project I had on the docket and finished it all in one day. I worked on the project from late morning to 2am the next day. I don't do well stretching projects out over several days. I have found that I am the kind of person that has to do it all in one fell swoop if I can help it. Maybe my energy is expended based on daily decisions not long term ones, I am not sure. All I know is that when I finally finished half the painting job, I just felt like doing more work on it. I was not even sure if I was going to finish. A little bit at a time and I was done. When it was all over I felt almost empty at the fact the project was over and that I had to stop working. Wierd I guess, but that is me.

Coffee Break

I had the marvelous opportunity to have a coffee date with an old friend. I make sure i am clear, this was nothing more than catching up and having a good time, nothing committal or relational about it.

We met at a Starbucks in a neutral location, with meeting place chosen by her. In fact I left the ball in her court as to where and when she would like to meet with me. All I really did was mention that it would be nice to catch up sometime before she went back to school. Now that the issue of intentions and assumptions are clear, as mud, back to the story.

For a while we talked about surface issues and topics, nothing to personal. Really they were big topics that many people have written dissertations on, but we just broached them carefully. What I saw was an attempt by both me and her to get a feeling for what the other believed about various issues in life and theology, goals and plans for life, etc. We talked for little over a half an hour about this kind of stuff when she changed the subject.

She asked me if I was comfortable talking about what happened to me, referring to my failed marriage. Without getting into the gory details of said marriage, I replied yes I was. It took longer than I had thought it would take, and I believe I might have betrayed my affection for her when I told her more than normal. (more than I normally tell people when telling my story). Her compassion and heart was unmistakable, she really felt a kind of pain for me, and what I had endured with my marriage and divorce. She seemed to understand on a level most people don't. She later felt free enough to tell me a bit of who she was inside, and how long of a journey she had to get there.

I asked her if she was familiar with the DISC personality profile, and got the answer I was really hoping for, Yes. It turns out that her personality and mine are very similar. In fact the way she feels life and deals with it is eerily similar to how I interact with reality as well. Unfortunately words are not my best medium for communication, and it is impossible for me to describe the feeling I got while talking with her.

Six months or so ago I had a conversation with my mother about the kind of person that I would like to marry, if God so chooses. It was really a checklist of qualities that must be met in a girl before I would even consider dating her. I ran across this girl online a few months back or so and remember thinking to myself that she is the type of girl I should marry. That was without really looking at the "checklist," but more from looking at who she was from afar and who her family is.

For two hours of my life I was talking with a girl that I almost did not think existed. She is passionate about serving God and following Him. Not only that she is constantly and determinedly working to better herself and fix potential problems that could damage or harm relationships she has. I was not mentally going down any "checklist" in my mind while talking with her, but rather examining the mental picture of what I thought a Christian girl should be. (At least one I would like to spend my life with). I honestly thought that my bar was set so high that I would never run into a girl the met the standard, or fit the picture I had established. And here she was sharing her life with me and allowing me to do the same.

We ended up talking for about two and a half hours before we parted ways. Nothing may ever come of this conversation, and nothing may ever happen relationship-wise with her and me. One thing I do know though, if I ever get married again, she is going to have to be as awesome of a woman as the one I had a coffee break with today.