One year later

Well as of yesterday I have been officially divorced for one year. Maybe I should celebrate this day like a birthday? She has actually been physically gone for much longer than that. She moved out officially in August of 2007, but she informed me she didn't want to be married anymore a month or two earlier than that.
There is a lot that can be said with this: I haven't kissed a girl in almost 2 years. I haven't enjoyed a kiss from a girl for 2+years, nor any other girlish contact. This gets better with time! The longer I am single and celibate the easier it is to handle.
I also haven't had anyone to share my soul with for a long time now. It can be said that I do have a couple friends who know me very well, in fact probably better than my ex-wife did. But that kind of friendship pales in comparison to the expectancy of going home to your spouse at night. I haven't experienced that in much longer than 2 years.

Loneliness comes with the territory, as evidence by the fact I am even writing this. At first I lived completely alone and separate from all my family and good friends. Sure I had people around me who where kind, but nobody understood me or really cared to for that matter. But thankfully that is no longer the case, I am with my family now. Yet even with family that loneliness can creep up and bite. It usually comes when I can't get ahold of my friends for whatever reason and I go home with tons in my head and no one to talk to. Even then just bearing through it, the nights are not long and the ache goes away.

I am sure I have a long way to go still, although at the same time I have come so very far already. I am not sure if I will ever get "there" even, but that is OK. Looking back the thought that I was married seems surreal, and almost an illusion like waking up from a bad dream. This is probably from the fact that I tend to live in the moment, and that was rather a long time ago. She left for Basic Training November 06, and came home for a few months before leaving again June 07 only to leave me August 07. She was never the same after Basic, so what little health my marriage had has been gone since Fall 06, 2 1/2 years.

It may transpire that God will place another girl in my path, yet I am not actively looking. In fact from what I have seen around me of women my age group, most are way to immature or underdeveloped to consider, everyone else seems to be already married. I have set the bar super high for girls to meet that I am not sure how many women could ever reach it. Yet that is what is keeping me sane, I will consider a relationship if this perfect woman shows up, but I really don't expect that to happen any time soon.

I am growing one step at a time. I am beginning a career change that I am looking forward to. I love my church family and the healthy opportunities I now have to serve. Life continues, but not hopeless or floundering like have been for so long in my past, rather I have a clear direction in which to travel. I am looking forward to living the rest of the life Christ has given me to live.

First reactions

Why is it that I have to get frustrated and stressed out over nothing? I was playing softball and having a great time, but the whole time praying to God to take away my bad attitude. It was my first day playing in 7-8 years and it was not practice like stated, but a scrimmage. Every time that I made a mistake I was berating myself. It took some serious prayer in my head to stop on the spot and change my thoughts. God was more than gracious again to me! I was able to focus more on the game, and not on what grated me. I was also able to get a double and run in to score!

Why is it that whenever I get in an uncomfortable situation my natural reaction is one of stress and frustration like that?! This happens to me a lot and I am sick of it. Thank God he is giving me the grace to change so I am not stuck this way forever.

Facebook Friends

I have a friend that I have been an acquaintance with for a long time. I knew her before I went to college, and after I moved home I started to get to know her again. I attempted to get to know her better, but the big problem (to me) was the fact that she lives out of state while attending school. In the course of attempting more communication with her, she informed me that she was not comfortable with the amount of contact I desired. Not wanting to seem inappropriate or untoward I refrained from attempting to contact her (email or facebook), as it seemed she was telling me to back off. This happened a couple months ago. No real skin off my back, I have no problem with giving space to friends who communicate to me that they are uncomfortable with our friendship. I honestly haven't thought much about it since then, as we were never more than acquaintances. Then today I found out that she has removed me as a friend on Facebook. To me this communicates that either she is upset with me for dropping all contact with her, or just gleaning her friends list.

Here is a great place to show how my weird brain works. Seeing that a girl I was once attracted to, even if it was minor and brief, completely cut-off contact with me (Facebook was primary long distance communication tool), makes me feel bad. I instantly want to feel like I have done something wrong and hurt her feelings in some way. Somewhere in me I have to put on this cold shell that protects me from this kind of false assumption. It might be that I have upset her but halting my communication with her, but in all honesty she initiated it. In that respect I never had any commitment to her, all we had was a coffee date once while she was on break. So why do I feel like I need to fix something? This is the part of my personality that really causes me consternation. I want to latch on to people and give them a loyalty that they do not deserve from me. Then all they have to do is cry out and I would come running to solve whatever problem. This is how I got trapped in the manipulative hell that was my marriage.

The desire to help and do good for people when I shouldn't bother can really get me in trouble. Thus this cold shell, or wall, is a must to protect me from myself.

Compartmentalizing

I have a problem. I compartmentalize everything in life. I know you are going to say that this is normal for guys, and you would be right, but I take it too far. On top of that when I am not looking all the pent up emotions come pouring out in a way that no one can see.

So I just got back from church where I was portraying Jesus in our retelling of the Passion. There is a lot that goes into this kind of a production: dramatic poses, costumes and costume changes, fake blood, makeup, etc. I really wanted to do a good job, not because I was going to be up in front and people were watching, but rather because I knew that I would be representing Jesus in this production. That is not a role I want to screw up. Thus most of what I was focusing on was doing a good job, and trying my level best not to screw up. Then I look around me and see people caught up in the emotions and feelings of what is happening, and then people come and tell me that they were overwhelmed with the reality of what happened on Calvary. I just don't feel that. I was thinking about the fake blood sticking to my costume, the position of my hands and feet, and looking to make my cues.

This really made me start to think. After going to hell and back in my former marriage I think I prevent myself from experiencing things in an attempt to protect myself from the pain that comes from life in general. I don't get to sad when people die, I am not overly moved when I hear a sad story. In fact it takes a special combination of external elements to get me to experience something with my emotions/ gut.

I still get worked up over certain issues though. Politics lately get me fired up rather easily. Where is the balance? I want to be able to feel again, not just get angry with Obama and his administration. I want to experience the emotions that should accompany pain and tragedy in others lives and so empathize with them. I don't want to live a life half dead because I am afraid I might get hurt again.

I don't fully understand all this yet, but I am hoping that in time I will be able to overcome this over-strong tendency to live life in compartments.

Sometimes I should think like an Ent

Lately I have found myself rather angry and aggressive towards our government both Federal and local. On my way to class I was just seething with rage concerning many issues. There are times that I understand what it must of been like as a colonist under King George. But the drive here somehow reminded me to cool my jets and think more clearly. Only bad decisions and outcomes come from hot-headedness. So I think to myself, "Don't be hasty." This is hard for me, but God is working on my heart.

I am still raging about this administration and many other things, but I can't let that rage turn to agression. Cool and calculated, that's the way to go. I will work to overthrow the government in four years according to the system no matter how much it grates me.

Good Concert, New Friends

I went to a Third-day concert tonight. Worldvision contacted me and asked if I would volunteer and get in the concert for free. For some reason I accepted, though it is not normally something that I would do. A little nervous at first I got to meet a bunch of people that showed up to work the Worldvision table. I had the privilage to get a lot of people to sign up to support children, but while doing so got to know a few young ladies. They are left to right, Heather, Chelsea, and Melanie. These girls really love the Lord and two of them are going on a year long mission trip living out of a backpack, going all over the world. (Think Amazing Race for God) To them I say thank you, The concert was amazing, but the company equally so.