"S"

I've got family visiting at the moment, and I am finding myself wanting to be the perfect host. Today I have made bread and a desert, made sure their favorite soda was available,etc. I even helped make them breakfast this morning. I don't really feel put upon even, as they have borrowed my car twice today. I am such a strong "S" that the extra work is not a chore but a joy. Wierd for a guy maybe but it's just who I am and I am finally getting to the point where I don't care who knows it.

New Thoughts

I have a hard time thinking well of myself. I tend to always think of myself with a low self confidence. I see myself for who I am, and tend to focus on what people think of me, or things I think they think of me (or would think). The age old cliche goes into effect, "You are your own worse critic."

I have been trying to break out of that mold lately. I know certain things about myself that need work, of course, but I also have been collecting things about myself that are not so negative. Normally one would assign such thinking, focusing on the good of yourself, as narcissistic but that really is not the case with me. In order to have confidence in myself, it is important to know that I am not a worthless person.

I have a problem with patience and being grumpy when I am tired or worn down. I worry to much about what people think of me, and then want to change to be what people like. I do not have a lot of self-discipline so it is hard for me to exercise, read, study, etc. in an orderly fashion.

However, I do have a great relationship with God, tend to be self-less, humble, very generous and giving. My personality (DIsC) is S-I, so I am very sociable, get along very well with people in all sorts of situations. I am extroverted and do very well under other people's leadership, however if the need arises I can take charge of a situation and lead myself. I tend to be very romantic in my thinking and treat women with great respect. I am also an accomplished singer/ musician (At lease I am told that often).

I am learning to focus on the things I can do for God, instead of what is so dreaded wrong with me. I know that I am nothing better than a sinner saved by God's grace, and often find myself quoting Paul saying, "Oh wretched man that I am, who will free me from this body of death!" However if I focus on this to much my personality tends to make me to shy to tackle life.

The new goal that I would like to pursue is to live with self-confidence and courage, knowing that if I make a mistake that's ok. But also to keep my life in perspective knowing that I am a sinner, and the only reason I have a chance at life at all is because of Jesus Christ who died for me, and daily supports me. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, the opposite is also true. I can do nothing with out Him.

Traffic

Yikes traffic around here really stresses me out. I need to figure out a fix for this, because the traffic is only ever going to progressively get worse. I tend to get antsy, prone to mild swearing, and a bit agitated after arriving at said location. Must be a solution to this, I never got like this in Kentucky.

Conflict of Heart

I am in a position where I might possible be able to catch up with an old friend. Well really old friend, been close to 10 years since I have had more than one conversation with her. I am relishing the opportunity to catch up, because she is really a great gal worthy of even knowing.

The conflict of heart comes in when my stinkin' brain wants to there to be more to just getting to know her. Then it says just as fast to me, hold on now is that a good idea you don't need to be dating why are you even thinking about it? I feel very torn, on one hand my brain is coming up with, or trying to, a bunch of ways to catch up with her that might in the future leave open the possibility for something. However, my logic does not always agree and tells me to back off the thoughts and just have a good time.

This is however, a first for me. I am attracted to this girl for a number of reasons, besides the pretty thing. She from what I know is a strong christian, and strong in character. I know that she is not afraid to turn her life upside down to do what she believes is right, whether that is going to hurt her or not. I also know that she has a good family, which already know and like me by the way. I remember saying to myself months ago when I first go reintroduced to her over Facebook, and then heard about her life, that this is the type of girl I need to marry. Don't hear me wrong, I wasn't all about marrying this gal, just a girl with the qualities that she possesses.

Thus my conflict, after analyzing my situation, I won't be able to marry for at least 2-3 years or until I have my M.Ed finished. (Finishing means getting placed with a public school teaching job) She has another 2-3 years of her school left as well. I have time on my side, but my brain still rages against itself.

Maybe I need to bake some more bread.

What is Love?

How can we understand love? I was married to a gal that I loved, but how about now? The Bible tells us that true love never fails (1 Corinthians 13) but obviously my love for my ex-wife is failed. How are we to understand this? What do I know? I know that until the very end of my marriage I loved my wife, that love being a die-hard commitment to seeing the marriage and our lives together last.

Then why I was in love with someone who treated me like trash, manipulated and abused everyone who was around her? I think partially because this part of her did not come out fully until we had been married for a little while. The other reason is that I firmly believe the strength needed to love someone comes from God. My love for God and his love and support of me was the only reason I was able to hold on until the end of my hellish marriage to her.

Love is and can be a dangerous thing. I say this because love is blind. It will probably take some good counseling to get through all of what I went through with her, but when I was there in it, I was blind to the torture I was in. The boiling frog example I think works. It slowly got worse and worse, and not until I was away from the marriage and friends talked to me about how bad they saw it did I come to realize the extent of the damage done.

Knowing now how blinded I can be by love, I must admit that I am scared to love again. I am afraid that I will end up in situation exactly like the one I was in. Yet there inside me is a potent unyielding desire to have the relationship I am now so desperately missing. Inside me I feel and yearn for the female companionship I lack, but also I have this mighty apprehension to anything to do with relationships for fear of making a life changing error. I guess I am a statistic now, burned and afraid of being hurt again.

Well enough for the present, now to finish making dinner.

Bread and Thinking

I have been thinking quite a bit lately. My self-confessed way of thinking is usually run by my emotions and passions. For example if I get going on a certain idea, it is likely some time before I can move on from thinking on it. I also tend to be very loyal to people and ideas. It takes quite a bit of evidence for me to think badly about ideas or people that I care about or support. The same works in reverse as well... I am very opposed to ideas I don't support, and it would take dramatic events or evidence for me to change my mind about them.

A good example of this played out in my life would be my membership in the NRA. I am a life member of the National Rifle Association. I feel very strongly about personal second amendment rights to carry and bear arms. Thus any opposing ideas or people to my strong belief in the 2nd amendment will be the enemy to me. aka Barack Obama and the DNC.

These loyalties are very complex, as my dislike of the DNC is also based on their insistence of supporting Abortion, same-sex marriage, and socialism.

How do I cope with all these thoughts tearing through my head? I bake bread. There is something very peaceful about having Christmas music playing in the background while I knead and work dough in to delicious tasting breads. The other thing that is very rewarding is when my parents come home to the house smelling of fresh warm bread, only to see them smile.

This is really the start of me thinking all these thoughts out loud. Recently I have had fewer opportunities to talk all this out, and as I think and figure things out as I talk about them this is helping me sort out things in my complex crazy little thing called a brain.

Graduate!

I am now a Graduate of Southern Baptist Theological Seminary. Just this weekend I received my degree in the mail. I must say it was neat to see the culmination of 4 years of hard work in my hands. Now on to the next degree program, maybe by the time I am done with the next one, I can stop. Still chance I will go for that Ph.D eventually, but it better be very eventually!

Glory of Christmas Concert

We just finished our Christmas concert at church tonight. We did three main performances, and they each were better than the last. I had my first major solo with the church, or really ever, and was pleased with the results. It was loads of fun, and Christ was proclaimed, Thanks to all who came to support us.

I will say this, as my namesake says, I prefer having a beard. I shaved for this production and got a haircut so that I would look the part of a soldier. Shaving is for the dogs, time to grow out the beard and become bearded again!

My Jamaican Brother had fun calling me welvis as I sang a version of Blue Christmas, I always respond by calling him belvis. Well that is all for now, got to meet up with some old friends that I would like to get to know again, but now its time for sleep and resting my voice.

Relieve stress

Best way to relieve stress besides shooting targets to pieces? Bake wonderful tasting bread and see everyone come home from work melt at the aromas that fill the house.

New President old style

With President Elect Obama doing what he thinks is best to fix our country many people cheer. In fact he is so popular that to not like him, even strongly dislike or oppose him, is frowned upon vehemently. Unfortunately that is the category I find myself in.

Obama is in a situation remarkably similar to the situation our country was in almost more than half a century ago. Our country was in the great depression. Along comes the Democrat FDR who claimed he could fix all our problems with stimulus packages, jobs, and social programs. What we got stuck with was alphabet soup of programs some of which we are stuck with. After years of these programs to fix the economy, it was still not fixed. It took the monumental spending and unification of the American People against a common enemy in WW2 to get us out of the depression.

That is concern enough against Obama, but correct me if I am wrong, but the democratic party at the time was not attempting to steal the peoples right to carry and to bear firearms or to kill babies.

In my humble opinion Obama won for a number of reasons, not the least of which being that he is black, and that the conservatives were divided. Don't hear me wrong, I have absolutely no problem with him being black, really don't care. What bothered me was that so many people voted for racial concerns rather than concern for the future and security of our nation.

Obama is out to fix our messed up nation with Leftist agendas, I only hope that in doing so our nation doesn't tank, because it almost did the last time we have seen a character like him whose slogan was leadership for a change. It took eight years of Reagan to fix that mess.

Return to Bloggin

I am going to do this blogging thing again. I have a feeling with the change of party power in the country I am going to have a lot to write/talk about, and most of my friends get tired of hearing me on my soap box. So speaking in the void of the internet suits my needs.