Acting our Savior

I have been asked/ chosen to play Jesus in the upcoming Good Friday production that we are doing in our church. I am involved and committed to this ministry so without really thinking told them I would. It was not until tonight at our first stage blocking rehearsal that I realized what it means to play Jesus. I have to be able to truly act and show the emotions that Jesus would most likely have been showing during the passion.

Starting with the last supper, then moving to the garden, then before Pilate, then the whipping post, then on the cross, then dead in Mary's arms. The scenes are all still life pantomime. We have to have an "action" pose and hold it for the length of the song. There is the acting challenge that comes with this that I enjoy, however when it came time for the cross scene... That was hard.

I was standing on this fake cross, but realistic dimensions. There is a little platform for me to stand on, but I had to hold my arms out and up holding a pose. It was supremely uncomfortable. Then I thought, wow I am thinking how can I hang on a cross comfortably. The other thought that came to mind was just how painful it would be to be crucified. Just standing on the padded fake cross gave me a tiniest glimpse of the real pain that Jesus actually went through, I can't even imagine.

Here I am playing Jesus, and all I can think about is how much I am a sinner not worthy to be playing this role. Sure Charlie is still there being goofy and having a good time with my choir friends, but deep down these emotions were playing out in my heart. How much God loves us!!! It truly is an honor to have this part, but it is also extremely humbling as well. This is going to be an interesting Good Friday production...

Unexpected Depression

I don't really know why, but this afternoon/ evening I have really had to deal with some depressive feelings. I don't have the desire to do anything, or take care of anything.
This has been happening a lot less to me this year, thank goodness. I never really know what causes it either. Today was not a bad day, it was a pleasant morning visiting the mountains and Luray Caverns. I just feel tired. Times like this are when I am the loneliest after my ex-wife leaving. Oh well just part of life I guess, tomorrow should be better, I truly love going to church.

Pics for Liz

Memory lane = healing lane

This past week I have been visiting my very best friends in Ohio. This trip has thrown into relief all the healing I have yet to do. I went to school here, met my wife here, etc. The drive out here in itself was full of memories, some pleasant some painful. While it is true that I have come here since my divorce, I was at the time in survival mode. I thought I had healed thought I was mostly over it, but I wasn't.

It has taken me seeing this place to start to deal with the past made here. God has been very good to me by allowing me to deal with some hard emotions and deep seated pain. I have also been able to talk with my friends and flesh out what some of my issues are. One of the biggest problems I had was that I was so blind to reality when dating her.

Evidently I was caught under her manipulative power very early read from the start. In the end I couldn't believe a word she was saying, it was all twisted. My friends all claim to have seen this problem, but never really challenged me. Sure to be fair I wasn't really listening to common sense. 20/20 hindsight is a funny thing, but it has taught me that if a friend comes to me raising these kind if concerns I NEED to listen. I am so embaressed that I let it all happen the way it did, I have thought for so long that I had things under control, but I was activly drowning before I was even engaged.

Friends reading this post, never let me do that again. Please do whatever it takes to bring me to my senses! Never hold back information in hopes of not hurting me. If I knew how she was acting to everyone behind my back things could have been different.

A good example of this has just come up. I just found out today that my ex is remarried. My friends had been keeping this from me because they thought it would be to hard for me to hear. While it was hard to hear that less than a year after our divorce she got remarried, but it is allowing me to heal on an even deeper level. Never again friends! I don't care how uncomfortable the conversation, I will appreciate honesty better down the road. Thanks

Gaming Good for the Soul

Last couple of days I have been playing quite a bit of video games. The difference between when I was a younger man to now is that I have actually been budgeting my time and energy to get all my work done as well. True I bought a new game and beat it practically in a day, but that day I got all my work done.

Gaming is a good way for me to stay caught up with a couple of by buddies from college. The funny thing is, we never played games together at school! All three of us were separate gamer. Well every now and then it is good for me to go out online and interact with the Gunslingers. There are a few gunslingers that I really like to play with, and I got that opportunity last night. It is kind of like going out to a party with friends, yet without all the complications that public/ private parties bring.

I absolutely love living with my parents again while I go back to school. There are not a lot of friends around here for me though. So to be able to occasionally go online and laugh and game for a few hours is very beneficial to me. Thanks for the games boys!

Time for Healing

I have begun to realize more and more how damaged my heart is. It has been over a year since my wife left. She liked to say at the end that she was poison for me and leaving was the best thing for me. I am not sure how to feel about that. While the statement is really true, it is not at the same time. Living with her was like having cancer, but I still loved her no matter her many faults.

After it was all said and done, I thought to myself that time will heal my wounds. I have heard it said that for every 5 years of marriage, it takes 1 year to recover. We were married for just under 5 years total, 4 in reality, and now a year and half later I don't feel healed. Sure there are times that I feel just fine and totally emotionally free, but other times the brokenness shows its ugly head.

The emotional pain she caused me is for the most part gone. The financial burden she left on me is almost gone. The career change and move needed to recover is in the works. I am living in a healthy emotional environment, time has cleansed the bulk of the damage. The problem is that I keep finding cracks in the foundation she caused, small parts of me keep coming to light that are broken. These are like tumors on a healthy brain, behaviors, fears, desires, actions all caused by the pain of a bad marriage and worse divorce. The shame of what happened has not left, nor will it I am afraid.

The desire to have a relationship and loving companionship is strong at times, and terrifying at others. My response to conflict and stress is still being affected by my former marriage, and continues to haunt my mind. Time may heal these wounds, it may take professional help eventually; but for now I am just taking life one day at a time.