Bearded Phantom

New Site

2010-06-13T19:57:00.002-04:00

I am having fun experimenting with a new website for myself. The intention is to chronicle my journey to become a teacher, and give family and friends a glimpse into my life.

Technology that allows for change

2010-04-18T11:46:00.008-04:00

GM is still pursuing the Volt, a car that will be a better hybrid. The Volt will be solely propelled by electricity. This is what is so awesome! The current hybrids that are on the road are propelled by a gasoline motor. So while they can improve fuel mileage they will never be a solution to the problem, oil. The Volt will be able to run 40 miles on a full charge, then a small engine will kick on to run the car? No, the engine is only a generator, so the car can have enough energy to run. The platform was designed to allow multiple types of generators. Currently it will have gasoline and biofuel, but this will easily be transferred to a fuel cell or anything new coming in the future!

Some will argue that this is no better for currently for the car to be off oil, it needs to be reliant on Grid power. While I understand how this poses a problem for the grid itself, aka excess reliance on the already overloaded system, the joy of the issue is that the USA does not need to import coal to power the grid. This really could be the ticket to get our reliance off OPEC.

The car will charge in about 8 hours on a 110 volt system, and 3-4 on a 220 system. Most people will be able to charge their cars during off times, overnight when people use considerable less percentage of the grid. Now consider this, this car will be affordable to buy and cheap to run. (Grid power is considerably cheaper than gasoline and cleaner). I can see how if this technology catches on, then the need for middle-eastern oil will really decline!

I agree with my professors and climatologist concerning the damage we are doing to the atmosphere with the carbon cycle being out of balance, however I must admit my primary motivation for being rid of an oil based economy is our unfortunate dependence on the middle east for said oil.

Obama has promised change for America, but the change he is not making happen is change we can do without him anyway! What will get us off oil is big businesses working to find cheaper cleaner solutions to our oil problem. Since gas prices have be exponentially rising this is only a matter of time. The only thing that can get us off oil is for alternatives to oil to be cheaper.

Another great example of business taking advantage of public resentment of oil prices is Nissan. They are developing a 100% electric car that will go 100 miles on a charge. The difference from the Volt is that there is not a generator to recharge while traveling.

Consider the average person commuting in a city, most don't drive more than 20 miles or so one way to get to work. (DC is different than some, as people will commute 100miles to get to the government jobs in town). With a 40-60 miles commute there and back, the volt or leaf would be a great option! This average commuter around here even would be able use extremely small amounts of oil based fuel, it might even be possible to commute entirely off the grid!

Now for the rest of my environmental friends out there as crazy as me, think of this. For the price of a car you could invest in solar/wind technology to charge your EV (electric vehicle). This is more than most people are willing to pay, but it has the potential to halt gigatons of CO2 being poured into the air. I know I am a dreamer, but its really fun to see my dreams coming to life, albiet slowly!

There is even an option for crazy rich sports car lovers! http://www.teslamotors.com/

For the motorcycle lovers out there, here are two companies that are currently manufacturing fully electric bikes!
http://www.brammo.com/store/?country=US&state=VA
http://zeromotorcycles.com/

Hydrogen Economy

2010-04-10T20:57:00.019-04:00

After taking a field trip to the Morgantown coal fire power plant in Maryland, and then a trip to a home completely off the grid, I have been fascinated by the idea of a hydrogen economy.

We currently live in an carbon-energy based economy, and to some extent that carbon is absolutely necessary. (Plastics, polymers, etc.) However, when it comes to production of raw energy, the time has come to move away from this archaic technology.

When visiting the Morgantown plant one thing became increasingly clear, this energy source is inefficient and out of date. The plant produces electricity by pulverizing high-sulfur coal. This coal is then blown into burners that heat giant steam ovens. It is this steam that turns some really massive turbines that generate electricity. Simple right? The problem is not the simplicity, but rather the efficiency. 62-64% of the available energy in the coal is wasted in the steam and turbines. Energy is not being created here but rather converted from fossilized solar energy in an ineffective way.

This half of the trip was in stark contrast to the second half. The plant was professional and organized. I felt like I was back working for UPS again, the organization and efficiency of the work staff was evident. This was a company that knew what they had and how to turn a profit, thus their facility oozed a big business aura.

The second half was a trip to the home of Scott Sklar, (http://www.thestellagroupltd.com). He is a private homeowner that started his own business helping companies to go green. Specifically he consults and guides companies to develop and install renewable energy sources on the site of their business. While Scott is very professional in his understanding of his business, his home is not run like a Fortune 500 company.

Scott has installed and retrofitted his old Arlington home to be as “green” and efficient as possible. He insulated his walls with high rating R values. (R value is the ability to insulate, the higher the number the higher the insulation value). He has even found windows that are specially insulated with gel between the panes raising the R value 5+ times a normal windows ability.

He brought in a drilling rig and installed a geothermal heating and cooling system. This system draws on the constant temperatures of the deep ground to help in the heating and cooling of your home. In deep winter when the temperatures outside are freezing, the heater only has to heat the home from the temperature of the deep ground. Thus instead of heating from 30 degrees to 70 degrees, he can heat from 55-60 degrees to 70. This drastically reduces heating and cooling costs and energy consumption.

On top of his home, there are two types of solar energy collectors. First is a solar hot water heater. This is a simple device that captures solar energy into a solution that heats fast and hot in the sun, this solution then is piped into a core in the hot water heater. The second solar energy collector is a solar panel. In fact there are many solar panels, and a few different kinds of them too. Solar panels are made of silicon and wires. As the cosmic rays from the sun hit the silicon it gets excited and bounces around. Then if wires are placed across the panels of silicon an extra electron bounces off the panel and into the wire creating an electrical current. This is truly the most renewable energy source, the energy from the sun. (A giant fusion core reactor 8 light minutes away). He has also installed a wind turbine. The wind turbine is set up to collect the solar energy that hits earth in a secondary way. This energy heats the earth, and as it rotates it creates pockets of warm and cold air as well as high and low pressure air. This in turn causes the wind to blow, which then turns the blades of his turbine which generates electricity.

In addition to the solar panels, geothermal, wind turbine, and extra insulation Scott has installed a hydrogen fuel cell generator. This is a simple system that while expensive to install, ($25k), is an efficient and cheap way to produce electricity. Because of all the other energy sources and efficient appliances in his home, Scott only uses the fuel cell system during peak energy use times or when the city grid loses power.
He gets the hydrogen delivered and spends less than thirty dollars a month on the gas. The size of system he has is capable of producing about half of his energy needs if used primarily.

This is a lengthy description of the technology that he has employed in his home, but his has gone above and beyond even his own needs. He does this to show the available technologies and how they can be applied on a practical and cost effective basis. I have added the description to show how many options are available to help get off a carbon based energy economy.

There are many that argue that the reasons that America should get away from carbon energy is to stop the unnatural advances of global warming. I am not completely sold on the idea that humans are the cause of global warming, or that we can do anything about it. My reasons for wanting to get away from carbon energy are more to do with self preservation, national security, and a general desire to keep the environment the way we found it.

In the United states we currently get the vast majority of our energy from carbon based energy sources. The diagram shows this as grey verses green, which represents renewable sources. The problem of chief importance is that carbon fuels are non-renewable. There is only so much oil to be had in the world, and the demand for it is exponentially increasing. The use of coal in America is scarring the mountains and damaging the environment in many ways. Yet even though we get half of our electricity from coal, and we have vast reserves of it, we will run out eventually. It seems so foolish to use up a limited resource that does more harm than good. I don’t feel like my electric lifestyle is worth the lives and damage it costs us. (Not to mention the soldiers lives fought to secure our energy needs in the Middle East).

Thankfully this is not a problem that is without a solution. We live in a society dominated by the internal combustion engine and coal fire, but have developed the technology to transfer our allegiance from carbon to hydrogen. Hydrogen fuel cell for home and industry, even major power plants, are the future of energy in the United States and the world.

This is a diagram that shows how a hydrogen fuel cell works. Pure hydrogen is passed through a “cell” that combines hydrogen ions with the oxygen in air. This simple act generates an electrical current, with water and heat as a waste product. If you are using pure hydrogen, then it is possible to achieve really high efficiency rates.

This technology can be used in a variety of fields from cars to power plants. In fact if all homes had a hydrogen fuel cell and some other form of renewable energy such as a solar panel or wind turbine, then the demand for electricity from the power grid would be vastly diminished, calling for much less coal to be burned. If the majority of cars ran on hydrogen then the emissions problems in America would be a thing of the past.

The problem with a hydrogen economy as is proposes is the source and cost of said hydrogen. In order to make the change happen, for it will require a great deal of initial capital investment, carbon fuel must be to expensive to continue using. Also a problem is the source of the hydrogen. Hydrogen is the most abundant and simple element in the universe, but on Earth there are two ways of procuring it.

The first way and the cheapest, is to separate it from natural gas. This cannot be a long term solution, as natural gas is a carbon fuel. However it can help solidify the hydrogen economy while more renewable sources of hydrogen are built. My ultimate solution for this renewable hydrogen is water. If you pass an electric current through water, electrolysis, you produce hydrogen. If this electric current is obtained from a farm of wind turbines or solar panels, then a hydrogen plant would be cheap and feasible.

This is what I believe is the future of energy production is in America and the rest of the world. In fact there are many countries attempting to get off their dependence on oil. Europe has many applications of renewable energy. The best example has to be Iceland. They have the worlds first hydrogen station, and produce the bulk of their energy from renewable sources. While they have the advantage, or disadvantage, of living on a volcano, their ideas on energy are pushing us in the right direction.

We can become free of the burden of carbon fuel, economically, environmentally, and politically if we could switch to a more healthy blend of renewable energy sources. Hydrogen will take us in the future.

Sources:
First 4 pictures Charlie Corrick
http://www.nist.gov/msel/polymers/electronics_materials/images/FuelCellSchematic.jpg
http://z.about.com/d/spas/1/0/1/k/1/icelandsites002.jpg
http://www.cartype.com/pics/5268/full/fuel-cell_emblem.jpg
http://www.greenpower.gov.au/admin%5Cfile%5Ccontent12%5Cc5%5Chow_greenpower_works.jpg
http://www1.eere.energy.gov/hydrogenandfuelcells/
http://auto.howstuffworks.com/fuel-efficiency/alternative-fuels/fuel-cell.htm

Macbook For Sale

2010-03-09T21:50:00.004-05:00

Macbook White Used

1.83 GHz Intel Core Duo
2 Gb 667 MHz DDR2 SDRAM (Ram is brand new From Apple)
Hard Drive is barely used 80 Gig
Brand new Battery (lasts little over 4 hours or so)
CDRW/ DVD Player
OS X 10.4
All original Documentation and restore Disks
Includes MS Office Student 2004
Includes red Neoprene "incase" sleeve
Asking 500

Old Pic Found

2010-02-24T21:28:00.004-05:00

I found an old picture today as I was cleaning out my facebook page. It is a picture of midnight when I first got him as a puppy, I think he was 8-9 weeks old. Still just as wild as the look in his eyes.

Time ticking on

2010-02-13T20:36:00.003-05:00

I work in a job where time is everything. We are constantly watching the clock and changing our positions and stances with the ever ticking edifice. I have become rather good at ignoring what time it is, while still paying close attention to it. With work I have built up a good routine, I know that eventually the clock will advance and I will leave. In fact, this is what I often tell myself as time drags on. "Time will pass and before you know it you will be leaving."

This truth about time, that it marches relentlessly on, comes back to bite me. Here I am twenty-nine years old, still in college, with the ultimate goal of getting a job and settling down. I have been in college since 1999, with only a couple short breaks. I remember thinking that I could never be a doctor or get a Ph.D because of how long I would be in school. Now I would love to just have a career that I can retire with. Thus I am seeking to be a high-school teacher, a career in which I can plant myself in relative ease.

Yet time marches relentlessly on. I am still here working on my degree, dogged with delays and obstacles. The joy of it all is that God is working every bump and turn in the road for my good and his glory. I am trying to get done, for I know my life is on hold until I can settle down with this new career.

I know that realistically I cannot date or marry until I am finished. I am hesitant to build up or attain any friendship here, for I will be leaving here soon (I hope). I am living with my parents, so anything I want to improve about my home or room will not benefit me in the long term. They will sell this house eventually, with all the benefits I add to it. (I love my parents and they are providing me with free room and board, so I am not complaining!) Any money I save is going to pay for the schooling I am undertaking. I just feel that until I get a real job and move home, I will be living in limbo.

So as I feel at times (right now) that time is going so terribly slow, I know one truth, time marches relentlessly on. I once thought that getting married would never happen, it did and then before I knew it she died to me and left. I thought once that college, then grad school would never end. Yet they did and I am just working on what is hopefully the final installment of my primary education.

So let's raise a glass to God, who controls this time we are in. For him millennia are as a second.

Job Goals

2010-02-09T19:37:00.002-05:00

I know I have mentioned this recently, but it keeps coming to mind. The more I think about it the more I love the idea of getting my M.Ed and going back to Ohio. More specifically I would like to move back to the Cedarville Area.

There are many reasons for thinking this way, but one of the biggest reasons is my best friend. He is like a brother to me and I value him as such. The second reason is that there is an opportunity to fulfill many dreams in one shot there. How much fun would it be to have a job that I love (teaching High school science) while also having a ministry that I would love (RD at Cedarville).

One thing is for sure, I can stay here in NOVA for a long time, but it will never be a permanent home. I am living with my parents, and I love them to death. In fact I could easily foresee living here many more years. However, I feel no sense of belonging here other than the presence of my parents. I have a few church friends, many acquaintances, and an untold number of people who seem to know me more than I know them; however, I am only close to my parents. I in fact can't survive here financially without my parents.

I long to settle down and be Uncle Charlie to a pair of precious girls, to be around my closest friends, to be within a days drive of my sister, and to possibly be able to support a family of my own. Thus currently all my plans and goals are pointed at getting me eventually back home to Ohio. I have been praying about it, seeking God's will on where to go and what to do. As long as he allows this dream to continue I will pursue it. It will probably be another five to ten years, but the thought of going home is still intoxicating.

A Recommendation

2010-01-26T18:03:00.001-05:00

I was called into my professors office so he could explain to me why he didn't want to recommend me to Grad School. I am attempting to obtain a M.Ed so that I can teach earth science in local public schools.

In the course of our interview I was told that while I was an exceptional student and person and a good candidate for the program, the fact that I am Christian and hold to theistic worldviews makes him nervous. He likened it to me being a wolf in sheep's clothing going among the students and undermining science.

This came about because he discovered that while I have exceptional recall (his words) and know the subject well, I don't believe what they say about origins and beginnings. He found out through my use of language, "Modern science believes... It appears that...etc." He said that even though I could teach the class exactly what they want me to teach, the way I preface things undermines the truth of them.

The conversation was not confrontational or aggressive, rather a friendly discussion on how I am a good person but bad scientist. It is interesting on that note how some people can say the cruelest things with a smile on their face. "I would not want my kids taking earth science from you." I took my recommendation from him (recommends with reservations) after class and went home mystified.

I have some thoughts on the matter:

At first I did not know how to respond to the accusations. I thought that I had really made a mistake in choosing to get my M.Ed in Earth science and how hard it would be to get a different endorsement now. (As after this semester I will have finished the 32 credit requirement. 4.0gpa) I am still not sure what the solution here is. I am realizing that no matter how good of a student, teacher, or person I am my life will be rather challenging in this subject area. I know that I can get an add-on Algebra 1 endorsement, but that requires remaining in a science field that is rather antagonistic to Christians.

Secondly I am rather frustrated at the personal slight that was his inference. You are not a good scientist if you start with the conclusion then seek the data. This is the second time I have heard this from a secular professor. The truth seems to elude them though, being a Christian does not make you a bad scientist, rather a different one. For what they are saying is that if you don't start with our assumptions and beliefs about the universe (there is no God, or the possibility of one) then you are stupid. They preclude the possibility of the supernatural, for if the supernatural is possible and true than a whole new realm of potential opens up.

They are also saying that my science and scientific conclusions exist to prove the existence of God. This is not the case, I am starting with the existence of God and looking at the data in a different frame of mind. I do not even attempt to prove the existence of God, I take it for granted. I can still follow the scientific method and come to legitimate conclusions, for my conclusions are not based on assumptions but data. (Really they are doing the same thing I am without realizing it. By insisting there is no God they look at the available data and come to a completely different conclusion.)

Finally my last thought on me being a wolf in sheep's clothing. I grew up a Christian, my parents are Christians and believe in a literal creation. I got my religion and faith from them. However, I did not attend private Christians schools. My father was in the military and we moved around quite a bit. I have seen the inside of many science classrooms with science teachers attempting to explain and prove their conclusions. I am not a robot, rather a 29 year old man. I had to make a choice about what to believe and who to follow. I looked at what I was being taught at home and at school, and my decision to remain a Christian was my own based on my own studies and research.

My professor is scared that students will be lead astray and I will do great harm to science by being a Christian teacher. He is afraid of my potential influence on young minds. Yet one of my ultimate goals as a teacher is greater than just teaching content. I want my students to learn responsibility, character, respect, and most importantly the ability to think critically. Science is about finding the truth, the scientific method is the way to find it. (hypothesize, test, test, test, find conclusion, reform hypothesis)

Showing students that science is an ever changing mass of theories and evidence seems to be the wiser course. Instead of solely telling them what truth is, make them discover and find the truth through scientific inquiry. If the only possible truth is what my professor says it is, then the students will eventually come to that conclusion as well.

My professor made the statement that if the world were filled with people like me, then there would be a lot less problems and issues to solve. This was the kindest thing anyone has ever said to me. Yet he is afraid that kids might harmed or mislead by my leadership and being a role model. The solution for me currently is to get another professor to recommend me to the grad school, but these problems there will never end.

Craziness

2010-01-20T20:31:00.002-05:00

I was working tonight at my Rec Center Pool. It had fallen upon me to train a new hire in the ways of Ellis and Associates (Lifeguard Company). The training is really a pre-skills class. If we have a guard hired that is certified with another company aka Red Cross, we want to make sure that the said lifeguard can work with us in the 30 days before he/ she takes the official Ellis Class. Blah Blah I am rambling anyway...

Right as we were getting started some of our normal guards came up to me saying that we had a girl in the first aid room that couldn't breathe. That made for an interesting next 20 min. I got oxygen on the girl (Teenager) and waited for the paramedics to arrive. While waiting my bosses boss shows up and joins me in treating this young lady. This was a wonderful thing because he is a full EMT.

This boss has in the past been rather critical with me, not in a harsh way but a constructive way. But tonight was different, nothing critical was said to me and I was not corrected for anything I did. It felt so good to be trusted so much by the guards that they came to me, and also that my uber-visor didn't seem to think I did anything incorrectly.

When the EMS personnel arrived and took over I was able to leave the situation in their very capable hands and get back to training our new hire. The next hour and a half or so was filled with some good training, actually my first real teaching experience as an instructor with the agency (as opposed to in-service training sessions).

I left, called my best friend and had a good conversation with him for 15 to 20 min, then ate dinner. I proceeded to get some homework done for class, and see what I have left to do in my application for George Mason University. After that, I was able to clean my room up and remove some general clutter. I am now just about ready for bed and emptying my mind so that I can fall asleep.

OH yeah I also bought a few songs on iTunes, Taylor Swift and Chris Tomlin! Makes for good background music as I get work done!
Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!

Class again

2010-01-19T21:17:00.003-05:00

I am once again taking classes working toward my goal of being a high school teacher. Honestly every time I write, discuss, or think about becoming a teacher, I kick myself for not doing it sooner. I am in my last semester at NOVA working on my application to Mason.
I am studying to be a earth science teacher, and am currently working on my earth science endorsement. I have enrolled for two major classes, and one field studies class to complete the academic requirements for said endorsement.
I do wonder at one thing though, why in the world am I trying to be a science teacher? I am a die hard Christian, I strongly (and with good science) believe that God created the world, and all science points to Him. This is not what I am learning in my science classes. In fact, all my science classes are trying as hard as they can to shut me down. This is so severe that I am learning what modern (often incorrect) science thinks about origins and dates just so I can pass the class.
I am learning a great deal about geosystems and am truly fascinated by the subject. There is so much that we know now that we never have known before. I am just trying to fight my way upstream intellectually. A good analogy would be the lemming that realized the cliff was deadly, and then tried to go back in the face of all the other lemmings.
So here's to another semester working to obtain my theme, "Bearded Phantom - Perpetual Student working to get another degree so he can be perpetually in the field of education."

Yearning

2010-01-13T19:18:00.003-05:00

Right now my heart is yearning for the fellowship and company of people who really understand me. I understand that I am having a rough day with my silly foot injury, but always my mind lingers on the joy that is being with my only real friends. I must be patient and see where God wants to take me after my current educational goals. However at times I Wonder how long I can stay here. It has nothing to do with my family or living conditions. Really my heart is just breaking and crying out to be around my second family.

Future Thoughts

2010-01-10T21:04:00.002-05:00

I often wonder what I am going to do with my life, or where I will do it. I have an undergraduate and graduate degree that pointed me toward vocational ministry, or full time church work. The Lord Christ pointed me in another direction after being given the chance to do that work for a year.

I found that what I really want is a job that I can do that has good routine and what I enjoy doing. What do I enjoy doing? Teaching, training, instructing, guiding, etc. I decided that if I was going to have a career I needed to set to and get another degree to enable that career to happen. So now I am pursuing a M.Ed with the goal of being a high school science teacher. Science is something that I have always enjoyed and would love the chance to teach others.

I have two years at least until I can become certified to teach "Earth Science" here in Virginia. Then I have another four classes (two semesters) until the M.Ed is completed. Hopefully the last four classes will be completed part-time while I teach at a local high school.

This is my short term goal, to get another degree that leads to a career. Long term I have been wishy washy on, as it comes to the where. The what is pretty clear to me, teach until I retire. I want to be completely debt free, including cars and houses. I am within a few months of being credit card debt free, what I hope to be the start of a new way of doing finances.

The where is the hard part. I have considered going back to Omaha and living around family. This is for sure what my sister would have me do, however I am torn. My sister is like and unlike me.

We are both military brats, we both deal with friendships in different ways. For many years we had to make friends and leave friends. The local youth pastor in Germany was always coming back to how to be and make good friends, as well as how to let go. When my sis and I grew up our response to that lifestyle became apparent.
She has trouble keeping friends when she moves. She will make new friends wherever she goes (something I struggle with) and forget about friends that she had in the place she left (something I don't struggle with).

I am just the opposite, I have developed three close friendships (three married couples) across the country. Everywhere I move, I tend to develop many heartwarming acquaintances, but rarely friends. I unconsciously prevent myself from forming any close friends, because I have already got good friends across the country. We suffer from the same problem, with different coping strategies. Its kind of funny really.

Where is all this talk about friendship leading? Well I just got back from a visit to a few of my close friends in the Mid-West, and all I want to do at the moment is finish my education and career so I can transfer to be with them again. I have never been more happy with where I lived than when I lived next door to my best friend. I love to visit and play with his kids, then talk the night away with him and his wife. His was the first family where I truly felt like an Uncle.

He an I were discussing a dream that I had, far off and near impossible, of moving back to Cedarville. If I could get a job teaching science at a local school, and simultaneously get a job as a RD at Cedarville, then my goals and desires would be mixed and complete.

That is but one of many scenarios that pop into my head. They range from moving back to Cedarville, to staying here in NOVA for years with my parents to pay my own home someday with cash. I am not sure where the Lord is going to lead me, I just know that he has me here working on my next degree. I am looking forward to where he will lead in the future, and who my best friends pick to be my next wife. (I gave them permission to arrange a marriage for me, God knows they would pick better than I would.)

Good times with Good friends

2010-01-07T16:28:00.002-05:00

I just got home from my whirlwind adventure in the Mid-West. I feel nothing but contented and pleased at the moment now that I have returned home and am at peace. (Except for the caffeine and sugar jitters from excessive Mt. Dew.)

I have had many road trips in my life, and many that stand out as enjoyable or wretched. This trip is not an exception. I was able to see many friends, but the really good things was the quality of time that I was able to spend with said friends. My only regret is that one of my closest friends was not close enough to visit as he now lives in the south.

I must say a warm thank you to my best friends in Colfax and Xenia. I have been needing a break for a couple months or more and this was precisely what I needed. The whole trip being less than a week shows how much just a little time spent in your presence does to enlighten my soul.

You know who you are and thank you! I could not have a better set of friends to call my own. You are all many miles away (1400+ mile round trip) and I have very few friends and acquaintances here in NOVA. It is actually the case that I don't seek many new friendships as I already have some that are golden.

I also praise the Lord for you and your willingness to take me in this last week. Praise Him as well for giving me safe travel to and fro, especially on the way home. You should try surfing snow storms!

Vacation

2010-01-04T12:13:00.003-05:00

This has been the first real vacation that I have had in a long time. I have been looking forward to this since November. So far I have visited friends in both Kentucky and Indiana, and it has been wonderful. I have been more laid back about this trip than I have over any other trip. In the future I might be more planned and organized, but this trip needed to be more nonchalant.

This trip has included wonderful games and fellowship among friends. It is wonderful to relax and enjoy the company of those who desire your friendship. I am currently at Stillhaven farms in Indiana surrounded by cats, dogs, horses, and Jesse. The temperature to quote my friend Jim, "Is a balmy 10 degrees." That may mean no horseback riding, but the card games are out and the Wii is being played.

I have one more stop on this tour of the Midwest states, but so far this trip has been one of pleasure and contentment. Thanks God for the good driving weather so far!

Perfectionist Issues

2009-11-20T15:27:00.004-05:00

What is it about being a perfectionist at your core? You want everything done correctly. The problem is, who gets to choose what is correct and what is not? If this small decision is messed up in your mind then you are in for a surprise when it all comes crashing down. I have found that there are many areas of my life that if I can't do them perfectly or at least really good I lose all desire to do them.

The other thing... When people feel like they need to correct me for my prideful assuming ways... Why do they feel like they have to go on and on explaining how I was wrong? I know they are attempting to keep things on an even keel, but don't you think that being pulled into a storage room alone with two supervisors is enough to tell me I am about to get in trouble for something? They always say, "I am just going to come out and be blunt etc." Yet they never are, instead of "you are stepping on toes, its not your job to do "X,Y,Z" I get "Well i understand why you want to do this blah blah blah." When I realized what they were saying I wanted to just scream "STOP I understand, problem solved." Its hard enough to be a perfectionist and be told you are wrong, its worse when the telling is not brief. Let me please go so I can just fix it.

Now it feels awkward and I want to pendulum swing the other way with my behavior and ways. Jobs are never easy, but for someone who really cares about how good of an employee I am and how good the company is, it can be challenging. Geez drinking a Mikes fast makes my head swim. I need a vacation.

Crappy days

2009-11-08T18:53:00.003-05:00

I hate days like this where I get depressed and tired. This is the first day off I have had in a week and I am exhausted and allergy ridden. For whatever reason I am emotionally spent, all I want to do is hide in a dark room with comfort music away from all human contact. Why no people when that is probably what I need? Because there are no people here that know me or understand me. Earlier I honestly considered moving to Alaska and starting over, only to remember that troubles follow you like a bad fungus. I think it would have been more tolerable if we didn't have choir rehearsal tonight. Now I am around a bunch of people having to put my best face on and not complain about anything because that would be immature and childish. My allergies are making it quite hard to sing and I have little or no energy for human relations. All this knowing I don't get a break for the next two or three weeks from people or work. I want to go home early but came with my parents and would have to answer questions about why I didn't stay blahblah. Sorry to complain to the internet, but this feels like my only outlet for the angst in my soul at the moment.

Back Pain

2009-11-02T14:46:00.002-05:00

I am a victim of chronic back discomfort. I almost hate to call it pain, as that just makes me feel worse.
When I was at UPS the chiropractor was my very good friend. Now that I am no longer a teamster, my insurance coverage no longer covers my back's best friend. (she was cute too!)
I am considering it again though, just going to the guy recommended to me here to see what I can afford. I say this because this is the third or forth time in a few months that my back is out. This last time being the worst, and with little or no provocation.

I am learning what I can and can not do, sitting on my old recliner is no among them. As my back was healed and strong until i watched a few CSI's on my old couch. The good news is that my Dad loves the couch, I have given it to him!

Rachael

2009-10-29T21:35:00.004-04:00

I was thinking on the way home from Dancing tonight... I wonder where my old flame Rachael Nobles is nowadays? Going to college separated us, not to mention the fact that we were both super young and immature with relationships and communication.

We dated for a little over or under a year, I don't remember exactly anymore, broke up then dated again, then broke up again. While it didn't last between us, because of college separation, we ended on a good friendly note.

Rachael Nobles changed my life, I was doing poorly in school when we started dating, and was in truth little more than a boy. By the end of our relationship I was excelling in school and really being challenged to be a man. I have many memories of that relationship both good and bad, and yet I always look back on her with fondness.

There have been three women in my life that I have really loved. My ex who trampled and despised my love, my former best friend Becky that my ex drove away, and Rachael. I can honestly say that I would have been very willing to do whatever it took to make the relationship work forever, or to do whatever was best for her. It turns out what was best at the time was for us to end our romantic involvement.

I know where Becky and my ex are, both married and involved in their own lives. I still have some contact (facebook) with Becky, but have severed contact with my ex. Rachael on the other hand, I have no clue as to her status. I am pretty sure she got engaged, then broke it off. This was years ago, however; and she was so wonderful and beautiful I am confident she probably has married since then.

There is no way for me to find her again, I have lost all contact with her and her family. Yet I can say one thing... If she were to walk in the door I would still love her. If she would have me I would court and marry her. I am not dreaming, I know this is silly, but there was something about our relationship was right. We truly were best friends more than romantic, and of that friendship I am bereft. What I wouldn't give to be able to build that same friendship up with her again and enjoy the beauty of her presence by my side!

So here's to Rachael... Wherever you are I hope and pray God has given you peace and happiness! And if you read this find me and lets talk. haha, now I am dreaming.

Emotions

2009-09-21T19:56:00.003-04:00

There are times when I get a feeling of "X" that is so overwhelming it is almost debilitating. I have found in those times that the best, and or only, solution is to just keep going. This could mean continue driving, working, reading, singing, etc.
One could almost describe it like a wave that washes over you, just wait a minute and it will pass. I have a good friend who does not live by these rules, he does not experience emotion the same way I do. I almost envy him, as my life when in working order is a roller coaster of emotional waves.

When I was growing up I remember being told constantly by mentors not to make decisions based upon my emotions. I would then think what are you talking about, this IS me thinking and making decisions based on whatever I thought was right at the time. As I have aged I have learned to read myself better knowing that what is right has a base in wisdom, logic, and truth, God's truth. Now I see the same emotions striking and moving me, but no longer must I follow their path. This is very good for me as the path of emotions is not the straight and narrow I need to be following.

So I begin and end my days beseeching God for strength and help, to weather another day alone with my thoughts and emotions. This is my lot in life, I will change as I grow, but the nature of my brain will not. The only thing that changes really is how much I can notice the waves and with the strength of Christ ride them.

Movie thoughts

2009-09-19T23:05:00.002-04:00

I just watched one of my favorite movies again, August Rush. Many of my friends and family have also seen this movie and haven't really liked it. Some said there was no plot, or critiqued the story that was there. For them I am sorry, for the movie goes deeper than the surface storyline.

The director is showing the power of music and how it can touch and move people. I have experienced this first hand, even had a close friend who heard music wherever he went. The Lord has gifted some this way, and others don't always understand. I don't hear original symphonies in my head, but my life is moved and sometimes changed by music.

Watching this movie again after a long hiatus (of watching it), has really allowed me to see what the director was trying to convey. August Rush, Freddie Highmore, is shown to experience life in every detail through music. The entire score of the movie is what he is hearing, and how he processes life. This affects him to the degree that he goes on a long journey to find his parents hoping they (by nature of being his parents) can hear the same music he hears. Then if he can play this music and they hear it then he will be found. Simple concept, simple theme, but awesome execution.

What comes out of this for me, is the simple fact that music can so powerfully affect people. This most likely resonates for me, as I live and breathe my life through music. I will hear a song that moves me and play it over and over again releasing emotion and inner energy through that said music. I have spent hundreds on iTunes for this reason.

I live in the moment so one song can completely change my entire tone of being. I have watched myself go from sad to happy, happy to sad, normal to tense, aggressive to submissive, etc. so many times based on what music I am listening to. This is so powerful with me that I must be careful I don't listen to sad music when I am sad, or I get emotionally depressed and distraught.

Not everyone will understand, appreciate, or even like this movie or others like it. However, for me, this movie is a brief glimpse into how music can touch my soul.

Yes I know, I am an S.

Emptiness

2009-08-10T19:58:00.002-04:00

How do you fill the emptiness created when you are home alone? I find myself alone with three dogs for almost two days and its hard to deal with. I have been so used to being with and around people my entire life. For a short time I was living by myself with no one coming come but me. For a year I dealt with this lonesomeness through my work. I had my social cup filled at my three different jobs, not the least of which was the Y. At the Y, I was around friends, people who cared and talked to me.

Now I find myself alone, with no job as my social outlet. I am so thankful to God that I don't have to be alone for more than 2 days, and that He provided me with a job that I will start soon. There is even the possibility that I might get a full-time pay and benefits job out of this new life guarding position.

I think I have found the reason that I like to work. It is more than just making a living, it is filling the desperate need I have to be around people. I have friends and family that can go without this social experience, but I can't. I don't think this makes me weak, but rather it's just the way that God made me.

I have been learning to take a lot of things on Faith with God. This is just one of those things that I have to trust to Him, my social life. The thing that is most tempting is to get a girlfriend that will fill my social void. However, that solution is the quick and easy way to solve a deeper issue. Thus I am seeking to place myself in situations where this social void does not overwhelm me. I am somewhat joining the worship team at Church, and thus have practices weekly. I am in the choir at church and get to be around them Wednesdays. (we are taking a break currently from most activities at church) I am on the men's softball team, we start playing in the fall. I am taking a class to learn how to Lindy Hop, also starts in the fall.

In fact I just realized that I will be much more able to deal with this emptiness when things pick up again in the Fall. There is just one more reason I rather hate summer and infatuated with autumn. Until then, I get to hang out with three fuzzy dogs, and watch movies while I clean the house in anticipation of family returning tomorrow night.

I did what?!

2009-07-30T11:17:00.003-04:00

Most of the time I don't think to much about the fact that I married the queen of the harpies. Many times that is because she was not like that when I met her. In fact even through the first year of our marriage it was not untenable.

Today is different, I chanced across a picture of an old friend I had at college I remember being attracted to. Then a single thought crosses my mind, "Why the hell did I marry Heather, when there were plenty of stable lovely godly women all around me. I choose one of the unstable ungodly ones without even realizing it. What the hell was I thinking?!"

LDS Church

2009-06-19T23:26:00.002-04:00

We played a team tonight that hails from a Mormon Church. I was a little surprised how a church league would allow that, but at the same time it allows us to interact with non-Christians in a public venue.

The game went really well, we were attempting to be really good sports, even better than we normally are. We won the first game by running in a point in the bottom of the last inning. The second we lost by a bigger margin.

I have played these cats before and they are good players, good sports. However when the games are over everyone circles up and we pray. This was rather awkward for me, as the opposing team took the lead to pray. Knowing I am standing in a circle with Temple Mormons they lead our prayer to God? The prayer was almost perfect for what a Christian should pray, acknowledging Christ as savior, addressing God as father, praying in Jesus name, seeking His help in our daily lives, etc. The problem I had with it was simple, it was a lie.

Mormons do not believe in Jesus as Christians do, and they certainly don't believe that he is the atoning sacrifice for our sins and the only way to heaven. I asked one of the players during the game what church they came from, he commented, the LDS church. I asked him soon after if he was Temple, his response, "Of course." You can't be a Temple Mormon and believe what they prayed.

Of all the cults out there, Mormons bother me the most because they lie to you. They redefine all the words we use to suit their religion. The work really hard at looking like Christians talking like Christians, and even calling themselves Christian. Yet if you can press them they will have to admit that they do not believe anything like Christians. It was the most uncomfortable feeling to know that the guy is saying this beautiful prayer addressed to someone that was not God.

I wish it broke my heart more than it grates it. I really need more love for people that are as lost as them. Shame on me.

Attitudes

2009-06-15T21:10:00.002-04:00

Tonight I walked onto the field for softball, but it was different than the last couple games. This time nothing was bearing down on my soul making me predisposed to grumpiness. The first game was normal, we had the mercy rule called on us. The second though was awesome. The team held it together, made some really good fielding plays and kept the other team from scoring to much. That coupled with good hitting on our part gave us the 2nd victory of the season.

I am sure thought that even if we had lost I would have had a good mood anyway. It was right before I walked on the field. (I even got a chance to be the warm up pitcher) The question I am facing is how to make the attitude be good before I get there?

My only answer to that conundrum is simple, stay in the Word. I got a chance a couple days ago, and this morning as well to listen through 1 Corinthians. It has been refreshing to hear scripture again, rather than the sermons I normally listen to. I have no doubt that my better mood and outlook on life improved by absorbing the Word of God. (even when class this morning was a real drag)

I am still dealing with the same issues I have been, but somehow today they were a little less daunting. Praise God for his wonderful goodness to me today. Bless his mighty holy name.

The reality of divorce for me.

2009-06-13T09:39:00.003-04:00

Lonely is normal, expected, endured.
I am surrounded by family but not friends.
In fact I have many "friends" at church, men whose company I enjoy,
but they are not real friends.
Friends I can call when I feel happy, upset, or sad,
these men I see at softball, choir, and church.
Life is good when around them, for I can for a time forget my troubles.
A nice alternative to drinking my pain away.

Single means that when you go home and turn out the lights you are alone.
There is the reason most young people want relationships,
its hard to live alone.
I know this for I was once married, whether or not I should have ever married her is another question, but I did. To my everlasting shame.
She left me for another, cheated and abused my heart.
2 years later I am mostly healed from that scar.
Yet the scar remains as an ugly testimony of my past.

For a time I sought to eventually replace what was missing.
Even after healing it seemed like a good thought.
No longer does this thought tempt me.
Relationships fill the emptiness and loneliness that comes at night,
but the cost is high.
I remember being very disappointed when I learned the reality of sex.
Knowing the sweet things I thought married couples were, was only exterior.
I had more pain and anguish than joy and laughter.
Perhaps the sign of who I was married to.

After all is said and done, I am alone. I know longer hang with friends.
Gone are the days of talking into the night with friends.
I go to the movies alone, cross the country alone, and in general am alone.
I can seek friends but all my age are occupied with wives and kids.
Being divorced is a stigma that robs the soul of joy.
I sought solace in the Scriptures, and peace I received.
First Corinthians I listened to yesterday, and I learned I am ok.
I am not at fault for the scar I bear, and I should not seek a ring.

My Father God takes care of my needs, I live for Him.
I just want these words to always be true.
With my education and background I should be a model Christian,
Yet I keep getting in the way.
I feel filthy and know that without Christ's blood I am toast.
I want desperately to always love and obey, but I fail miserably
Who will free me from this body of Death.
Thus I live one day at a time, scared and healed,
constantly being pruned and cleaned, but never again whole.

Evolution problems

2009-06-09T12:57:00.002-04:00

Here are some postings I placed on Facebook showing my issues with modern evolution theory.

The explanation given in class today was concerning the supposed change from prokaryotic to eukaryotic cells. The problem is that eukaryotic cells, or cells with nucleus and organelles etc., are irreducibly complex. In other words without just one piece they cease to function.

The explanation involved getting a bunch of prokaryotic, single cells... Read More no nucleus organisms to band together into a colony. Then they might form symbiotic relationships. then they might form endosymbiotic relationships. (One organism lives in another). Eventually the cells become specialized and when one cell decides to reproduce the entire organism then you have an eukaryotic or multi-celled organism.
This just doesn't work, nor are there any examples of it. Even supposing it could somehow be feasible, it still does not explain how the cell structure begins, only how different cells start to work differently.
This is besides the fact that the mechanism for genetic change, mutation is touted as a working process. This is because they change the definition for mutation. As it was explained was any change in the organism, (including natural variations in the genome).
I am OK with the basic tenets of Natural selection, as that only shows that certain ... Read More characteristics of creatures will survive over time, and that the creature will not remain if it cannot adapt.
The problem comes that to change to another species, or another kind of organism, the DNA has to change data sets. There is only so much you can change by adaptation and genetics, but then you get into mutations in the chromosomes. This is where modern sciences tells us that the meat of evolution occurs. The problem is that whenever you mutate or change DNA this way it is a negative mutation, and usually will kill the host. This is one of reasons we have so many diseases, they are genetic failures.

Natural changes, mutations, without a guiding hand to make them beneficial result in damage or loss to the data stored in the DNA. You can't come up with data from no data, which is exactly what my professor was attempting to us. That with time and the need for adaptation to the environment the data will appear and the mutations will occur to fix whatever the problem might be. That is contrary to the way things work in real life.

My professor even admitted to the staggering odds against the possibility of life forming from nothing with evolution. However he just shrugged it off as wow weren't we lucky it did anyway.
It is mathematically impossible for life to arise or evolve once, much less every change to get us from single celled organisms to complex mammals.
Yet because they see no other option science ignores data that shows they wrong and plows on generating hundreds of theories to back up a theory flawed from its foundation.

Wedding Toast (part 2)

2009-05-24T22:36:00.003-04:00

There is nothing like going on a trip and coming home! Trips are successful when:
You revel at using your own toilet, drinking your own water, bathing in your private shower, and playing whatever music you like loud and long.

I had the most wonderful opportunity to share in my best friends wedding. This was the most elegant, beautiful, graceful, stylish, and thrifty wedding I have ever attended (and I have attended a few).

I was given the honor of being the best man for my friend, a role of which responsibilities I did not understand until arriving at the locale. I am a self-proclaimed S and took my new role on with gusto. In fact I hope I did not overdue it. Yet I made sure, through delegating, asserting, and scheming, that the bride and groom were taken care of and protected from as many stressors as possible. In the end the wedding was breathtaking and simple, my favorite combination of beauties.

I cannot remember having as much fun and working as hard (not all work is physical) in a weekend that I was not paid for. Yet through it all, the driving, the planning, the weeding, the washing, or even the socializing could not detract from the absolute wonder and honor it was to be apart of my friends special day.

I lift my glass to my friends, and honor them. They were worth it and I cherished every moment I had to spend with them and for them this weekend. I only regret that I could not do more for them in the time I had to share with them. May you my brother and sister have a wonderful life and marriage sharing together in the Lord, and may the peace of God reign in your lives. Everyone join me in honoring Mark and Carmen!

Internet break

2009-05-19T13:30:00.002-04:00

I recently took a break from the internet, just short of three weeks. I only came back because I was finding increasingly difficult to get my school work done without access. However the times I was not glued to the screen were refreshing and sweet. To not be tied to my facebook, blog, comics, etc. was wonderful. The time was spent with family and getting stuff done around the house. I know that I can't always be away from the internet but it was sure worth the time I spent away.

One year later

2009-04-29T22:26:00.003-04:00

Well as of yesterday I have been officially divorced for one year. Maybe I should celebrate this day like a birthday? She has actually been physically gone for much longer than that. She moved out officially in August of 2007, but she informed me she didn't want to be married anymore a month or two earlier than that.
There is a lot that can be said with this: I haven't kissed a girl in almost 2 years. I haven't enjoyed a kiss from a girl for 2+years, nor any other girlish contact. This gets better with time! The longer I am single and celibate the easier it is to handle.
I also haven't had anyone to share my soul with for a long time now. It can be said that I do have a couple friends who know me very well, in fact probably better than my ex-wife did. But that kind of friendship pales in comparison to the expectancy of going home to your spouse at night. I haven't experienced that in much longer than 2 years.

Loneliness comes with the territory, as evidence by the fact I am even writing this. At first I lived completely alone and separate from all my family and good friends. Sure I had people around me who where kind, but nobody understood me or really cared to for that matter. But thankfully that is no longer the case, I am with my family now. Yet even with family that loneliness can creep up and bite. It usually comes when I can't get ahold of my friends for whatever reason and I go home with tons in my head and no one to talk to. Even then just bearing through it, the nights are not long and the ache goes away.

I am sure I have a long way to go still, although at the same time I have come so very far already. I am not sure if I will ever get "there" even, but that is OK. Looking back the thought that I was married seems surreal, and almost an illusion like waking up from a bad dream. This is probably from the fact that I tend to live in the moment, and that was rather a long time ago. She left for Basic Training November 06, and came home for a few months before leaving again June 07 only to leave me August 07. She was never the same after Basic, so what little health my marriage had has been gone since Fall 06, 2 1/2 years.

It may transpire that God will place another girl in my path, yet I am not actively looking. In fact from what I have seen around me of women my age group, most are way to immature or underdeveloped to consider, everyone else seems to be already married. I have set the bar super high for girls to meet that I am not sure how many women could ever reach it. Yet that is what is keeping me sane, I will consider a relationship if this perfect woman shows up, but I really don't expect that to happen any time soon.

I am growing one step at a time. I am beginning a career change that I am looking forward to. I love my church family and the healthy opportunities I now have to serve. Life continues, but not hopeless or floundering like have been for so long in my past, rather I have a clear direction in which to travel. I am looking forward to living the rest of the life Christ has given me to live.

First reactions

2009-04-18T00:15:00.002-04:00

Why is it that I have to get frustrated and stressed out over nothing? I was playing softball and having a great time, but the whole time praying to God to take away my bad attitude. It was my first day playing in 7-8 years and it was not practice like stated, but a scrimmage. Every time that I made a mistake I was berating myself. It took some serious prayer in my head to stop on the spot and change my thoughts. God was more than gracious again to me! I was able to focus more on the game, and not on what grated me. I was also able to get a double and run in to score!

Why is it that whenever I get in an uncomfortable situation my natural reaction is one of stress and frustration like that?! This happens to me a lot and I am sick of it. Thank God he is giving me the grace to change so I am not stuck this way forever.

Facebook Friends

2009-04-11T21:55:00.002-04:00

I have a friend that I have been an acquaintance with for a long time. I knew her before I went to college, and after I moved home I started to get to know her again. I attempted to get to know her better, but the big problem (to me) was the fact that she lives out of state while attending school. In the course of attempting more communication with her, she informed me that she was not comfortable with the amount of contact I desired. Not wanting to seem inappropriate or untoward I refrained from attempting to contact her (email or facebook), as it seemed she was telling me to back off. This happened a couple months ago. No real skin off my back, I have no problem with giving space to friends who communicate to me that they are uncomfortable with our friendship. I honestly haven't thought much about it since then, as we were never more than acquaintances. Then today I found out that she has removed me as a friend on Facebook. To me this communicates that either she is upset with me for dropping all contact with her, or just gleaning her friends list.

Here is a great place to show how my weird brain works. Seeing that a girl I was once attracted to, even if it was minor and brief, completely cut-off contact with me (Facebook was primary long distance communication tool), makes me feel bad. I instantly want to feel like I have done something wrong and hurt her feelings in some way. Somewhere in me I have to put on this cold shell that protects me from this kind of false assumption. It might be that I have upset her but halting my communication with her, but in all honesty she initiated it. In that respect I never had any commitment to her, all we had was a coffee date once while she was on break. So why do I feel like I need to fix something? This is the part of my personality that really causes me consternation. I want to latch on to people and give them a loyalty that they do not deserve from me. Then all they have to do is cry out and I would come running to solve whatever problem. This is how I got trapped in the manipulative hell that was my marriage.

The desire to help and do good for people when I shouldn't bother can really get me in trouble. Thus this cold shell, or wall, is a must to protect me from myself.

Compartmentalizing

2009-04-10T22:43:00.002-04:00

I have a problem. I compartmentalize everything in life. I know you are going to say that this is normal for guys, and you would be right, but I take it too far. On top of that when I am not looking all the pent up emotions come pouring out in a way that no one can see.

So I just got back from church where I was portraying Jesus in our retelling of the Passion. There is a lot that goes into this kind of a production: dramatic poses, costumes and costume changes, fake blood, makeup, etc. I really wanted to do a good job, not because I was going to be up in front and people were watching, but rather because I knew that I would be representing Jesus in this production. That is not a role I want to screw up. Thus most of what I was focusing on was doing a good job, and trying my level best not to screw up. Then I look around me and see people caught up in the emotions and feelings of what is happening, and then people come and tell me that they were overwhelmed with the reality of what happened on Calvary. I just don't feel that. I was thinking about the fake blood sticking to my costume, the position of my hands and feet, and looking to make my cues.

This really made me start to think. After going to hell and back in my former marriage I think I prevent myself from experiencing things in an attempt to protect myself from the pain that comes from life in general. I don't get to sad when people die, I am not overly moved when I hear a sad story. In fact it takes a special combination of external elements to get me to experience something with my emotions/ gut.

I still get worked up over certain issues though. Politics lately get me fired up rather easily. Where is the balance? I want to be able to feel again, not just get angry with Obama and his administration. I want to experience the emotions that should accompany pain and tragedy in others lives and so empathize with them. I don't want to live a life half dead because I am afraid I might get hurt again.

I don't fully understand all this yet, but I am hoping that in time I will be able to overcome this over-strong tendency to live life in compartments.

Sometimes I should think like an Ent

2009-04-06T18:55:00.002-04:00

Lately I have found myself rather angry and aggressive towards our government both Federal and local. On my way to class I was just seething with rage concerning many issues. There are times that I understand what it must of been like as a colonist under King George. But the drive here somehow reminded me to cool my jets and think more clearly. Only bad decisions and outcomes come from hot-headedness. So I think to myself, "Don't be hasty." This is hard for me, but God is working on my heart.

I am still raging about this administration and many other things, but I can't let that rage turn to agression. Cool and calculated, that's the way to go. I will work to overthrow the government in four years according to the system no matter how much it grates me.

Good Concert, New Friends

2009-04-02T23:26:00.002-04:00

I went to a Third-day concert tonight. Worldvision contacted me and asked if I would volunteer and get in the concert for free. For some reason I accepted, though it is not normally something that I would do. A little nervous at first I got to meet a bunch of people that showed up to work the Worldvision table. I had the privilage to get a lot of people to sign up to support children, but while doing so got to know a few young ladies. They are left to right, Heather, Chelsea, and Melanie. These girls really love the Lord and two of them are going on a year long mission trip living out of a backpack, going all over the world. (Think Amazing Race for God) To them I say thank you, The concert was amazing, but the company equally so.

Acting our Savior

2009-03-29T20:58:00.002-04:00

I have been asked/ chosen to play Jesus in the upcoming Good Friday production that we are doing in our church. I am involved and committed to this ministry so without really thinking told them I would. It was not until tonight at our first stage blocking rehearsal that I realized what it means to play Jesus. I have to be able to truly act and show the emotions that Jesus would most likely have been showing during the passion.

Starting with the last supper, then moving to the garden, then before Pilate, then the whipping post, then on the cross, then dead in Mary's arms. The scenes are all still life pantomime. We have to have an "action" pose and hold it for the length of the song. There is the acting challenge that comes with this that I enjoy, however when it came time for the cross scene... That was hard.

I was standing on this fake cross, but realistic dimensions. There is a little platform for me to stand on, but I had to hold my arms out and up holding a pose. It was supremely uncomfortable. Then I thought, wow I am thinking how can I hang on a cross comfortably. The other thought that came to mind was just how painful it would be to be crucified. Just standing on the padded fake cross gave me a tiniest glimpse of the real pain that Jesus actually went through, I can't even imagine.

Here I am playing Jesus, and all I can think about is how much I am a sinner not worthy to be playing this role. Sure Charlie is still there being goofy and having a good time with my choir friends, but deep down these emotions were playing out in my heart. How much God loves us!!! It truly is an honor to have this part, but it is also extremely humbling as well. This is going to be an interesting Good Friday production...

Unexpected Depression

2009-03-28T19:13:00.002-04:00

I don't really know why, but this afternoon/ evening I have really had to deal with some depressive feelings. I don't have the desire to do anything, or take care of anything.
This has been happening a lot less to me this year, thank goodness. I never really know what causes it either. Today was not a bad day, it was a pleasant morning visiting the mountains and Luray Caverns. I just feel tired. Times like this are when I am the loneliest after my ex-wife leaving. Oh well just part of life I guess, tomorrow should be better, I truly love going to church.

Pics for Liz

2009-03-15T17:42:00.006-04:00

Memory lane = healing lane

2009-03-12T23:17:00.005-04:00

This past week I have been visiting my very best friends in Ohio. This trip has thrown into relief all the healing I have yet to do. I went to school here, met my wife here, etc. The drive out here in itself was full of memories, some pleasant some painful. While it is true that I have come here since my divorce, I was at the time in survival mode. I thought I had healed thought I was mostly over it, but I wasn't.

It has taken me seeing this place to start to deal with the past made here. God has been very good to me by allowing me to deal with some hard emotions and deep seated pain. I have also been able to talk with my friends and flesh out what some of my issues are. One of the biggest problems I had was that I was so blind to reality when dating her.

Evidently I was caught under her manipulative power very early read from the start. In the end I couldn't believe a word she was saying, it was all twisted. My friends all claim to have seen this problem, but never really challenged me. Sure to be fair I wasn't really listening to common sense. 20/20 hindsight is a funny thing, but it has taught me that if a friend comes to me raising these kind if concerns I NEED to listen. I am so embaressed that I let it all happen the way it did, I have thought for so long that I had things under control, but I was activly drowning before I was even engaged.

Friends reading this post, never let me do that again. Please do whatever it takes to bring me to my senses! Never hold back information in hopes of not hurting me. If I knew how she was acting to everyone behind my back things could have been different.

A good example of this has just come up. I just found out today that my ex is remarried. My friends had been keeping this from me because they thought it would be to hard for me to hear. While it was hard to hear that less than a year after our divorce she got remarried, but it is allowing me to heal on an even deeper level. Never again friends! I don't care how uncomfortable the conversation, I will appreciate honesty better down the road. Thanks

Gaming Good for the Soul

2009-03-07T06:49:00.003-05:00

Last couple of days I have been playing quite a bit of video games. The difference between when I was a younger man to now is that I have actually been budgeting my time and energy to get all my work done as well. True I bought a new game and beat it practically in a day, but that day I got all my work done.

Gaming is a good way for me to stay caught up with a couple of by buddies from college. The funny thing is, we never played games together at school! All three of us were separate gamer. Well every now and then it is good for me to go out online and interact with the Gunslingers. There are a few gunslingers that I really like to play with, and I got that opportunity last night. It is kind of like going out to a party with friends, yet without all the complications that public/ private parties bring.

I absolutely love living with my parents again while I go back to school. There are not a lot of friends around here for me though. So to be able to occasionally go online and laugh and game for a few hours is very beneficial to me. Thanks for the games boys!

Time for Healing

2009-03-01T15:35:00.002-05:00

I have begun to realize more and more how damaged my heart is. It has been over a year since my wife left. She liked to say at the end that she was poison for me and leaving was the best thing for me. I am not sure how to feel about that. While the statement is really true, it is not at the same time. Living with her was like having cancer, but I still loved her no matter her many faults.

After it was all said and done, I thought to myself that time will heal my wounds. I have heard it said that for every 5 years of marriage, it takes 1 year to recover. We were married for just under 5 years total, 4 in reality, and now a year and half later I don't feel healed. Sure there are times that I feel just fine and totally emotionally free, but other times the brokenness shows its ugly head.

The emotional pain she caused me is for the most part gone. The financial burden she left on me is almost gone. The career change and move needed to recover is in the works. I am living in a healthy emotional environment, time has cleansed the bulk of the damage. The problem is that I keep finding cracks in the foundation she caused, small parts of me keep coming to light that are broken. These are like tumors on a healthy brain, behaviors, fears, desires, actions all caused by the pain of a bad marriage and worse divorce. The shame of what happened has not left, nor will it I am afraid.

The desire to have a relationship and loving companionship is strong at times, and terrifying at others. My response to conflict and stress is still being affected by my former marriage, and continues to haunt my mind. Time may heal these wounds, it may take professional help eventually; but for now I am just taking life one day at a time.

Conflict / Stress response

2009-02-25T14:29:00.002-05:00

I have noticed lately that when encountered with a hypothetical stressful situation, or conflict that belongs to someone else I tend to want to react aggressively or even violently. This is hard to explain so bear with me...

I am rather a fan of Harry Potter, and have the unabridged audio books. In Book 5 Harry deals with quite a bit of unjust persecution against him. Whenever I listen to this conflict the author the writes in, I respond to it emotionally. These emotions tend not to be patient and loving, but rather harsh and aggressive. Its almost like me thinking that somehow fighting back will solve the problem, even though I know that it rarely does.

This really comes out for me when I watch episodes of the Dog Whisperer. The way to deal with aggressive and problem dogs is to be calm assertive pack leader. Most of the people with problem dogs just need to know little tricks that prevent behavior problems and techniques that calm behavior. I however want to be aggressive in response to conflict or attacks against me, but it takes quite a bit of aggression and attack for me to lose control and be aggressive in return. Sometimes I feel like a small dog, the bark is worse than the bite. Even writing that statement makes me want to be more in control of my surroundings, to be "safe" knowing that I can defeat any enemy that attacks.

When actually in a stressful situation my typical response is flight, not fight. Though if cornered, I will fight, and that fight will be fierce and often uncontrolled. I have been told for years that this is part of my "S" personality, I don't want that to be my defining characteristic when it comes to solving conflict. 4 years of crappy marriage revealed a lot about how I respond to conflict, especially prolonged daily conflict. I tend to seek resolution and "fight" for what is right, but eventually if I don't/ can't win I will give up. Then using avoidance tactics I seek to never have the conflict in the first place, thus allowing my then partner to walk all over me. I could have fought harder, but I was not willing to do what it would take to win those battles. (physical and emotional suppression)

Now a days, over a year since she left, I am noticing a difference in my behavioral responses. I see the tendency to be much more reactive to attack. This really comes out in my relationship to my mothers sister and her family. Mistakes made in the past between me and my cousin formed a rift between us. I attempted to fix that and build bridges to friendship again, but have been repeatedly demeaned and attacked. Attacks not on me for my behavior 10 years ago, but against who I am now. Of their family only my aunt treats me with any civility, my uncle and cousin are rather harsh and rude when they encounter me. In the days when I was downtrodden and suppressed I would have just taken it and walked away with my tail between my legs. No longer do I tolerate rude comments or behavior, and will either make a statement by removing myself from the situation, or verbally advise the attacker to stop their abusive behavior.

I am healing from 4 years of living with the queen of the harpies, but currently that has caused me to react curiously to conflict and stress. I still dislike stress or conflict just as much as before, I am just handling it differently. Whether for the better or worse is yet to be seen.

Pipe Dreams?

2009-02-20T22:16:00.003-05:00

I did some fun number crunching today. The result was a semi-accurate estimate of how much money I can save realistically incrementally for the next several years. I was excited, not because I want money and to be rich though. I was excited because my pipe dream of one day owning an Earth Sheltered home in Ohio near my "brother" ceased to be a pipe dream and became a real possibility!

I have for a long time been yearning to live a debt free lifestyle... So many people have told me that to own a home is to be in debt. God has placed me into an unique situation where most of my income becomes discretionary. Thus if I save every dime I have eventually I will potentially have what I need to buy a home for a very small if any mortgage. That is really exciting for me. It will take many years of hard work and saving, but to eventually get there will mean the rest of my life to have financial freedom. To be able to live in my own home without paying a mortgage or rent payment, would mean that cash flow would be drastically increased. If cash flow is flowing freely, even with a less paying job, then I could be so much more flexible in supporting God's work, and potentially my family.

Exciting thoughts, but I am not foolish enough to think that God might have something else in mind for me. It would not be the first time. But for now, I have some fun long term and short term goals. We will see where God takes me down this path, this will be interesting no matter what happens!

FreeLance Firework Hall of Fame

2009-02-20T19:02:00.001-05:00

This Rhett and Link Video truly makes me laugh histarically!

Another attempt to explain Hope

2009-02-16T21:56:00.003-05:00

Think of playing a game of cards. When playing cribbage with my dad, as we do often, there are times where the game is really close, and down to the wire either of us could win. Other times one of us is easily defeating the other player. Well cribbage is the accumulation of points, and you can only score so many points per hand so there is a place where if you are far enough behind the game might as well be over (you can't win). There is however the desire and hope that the cards might fall just right so that you can win, whether that is likely or not.

When playing games of any sort, if losing I will endeavor to pull out a victory no matter how much the odds are stacked against me. I tend to fight to the last man/card, no matter how bad the defeat is. While this is all friendly gaming and considered good sportsmanship, there is something else being illustrated here. I as a rule want to think I can still win, even if I can't.

The trouble comes when I am playing a game, or living a situation in life, where I know that no matter what I do failure is the only option. I will endeavor for a long time to continue to enjoy the game or survive with the situation as long as I can, but there is a breaking point. If this point is reached I have to stop. This is actually very depressing for me, if I don't think I can be successful I will look for something else to do, or change my life so that I can have a hope of success. To enjoy whatever it is I am doing, I have to feel like succeeding is even a slight possibility.

In life, I can deal with stressful situations for considerable periods of time. This leads to depressive emotions that eventually turn to feelings of resignation. In the past I have come to the conclusion that my life was stressing me out so much, it was not going to get better, nor any way to make it better (hopeless). This feeling of resignation comes in seeking to find something good out of a rotten situation. This is kind of like living with chronic pain; you seek not freedom from the pain, but rather a way to bear the pain.

I have to be able to see the silver lining in a situation, or I will get severely depressed. No matter how bad life is, if there is a light at the end of the tunnel, I can stand up and bear it. If not, then I will be looking to either fix or change my life circumstances. (Whether I realize this or not)

TTL Disappointing

2009-02-13T23:38:00.003-05:00

I was playing tonight with a group of friends, the TTL Gunslingers. Tonight was the first time ever to be ashamed of them, and that is saying something. For a group that is known for their in and out of game behavior I have suffered a disappointment with their teamwork game play.

In a match where everyone uses the skills they have, I was doing well. I am good at driving and gunning (roadkill squad), and was doing good the majority of the match. The first mistake I make in the match was a communication error where I drove the wrong way not seeing where the objective was (5-10 second window of error). Before I could correct my mistake my revered teammates bailed on me, which is alright in itself, but then for the rest of the game trash talked me for that error. Not mentioning the fact that my driving was critical in at least one of the points we scored, almost two. (I have not reviewed the film to count yet...) Soon afterward in some chaos jumped on a hog turret, silent since the barrage of criticism, and racked up a killing spree.

My performance was exemplary considering the objective and the game at large. We won the match but they did not win any respect in my eyes. That is not how you treat your enemies, much less your allies and good gaming friends.

YHWH-JIREH

2009-02-12T21:41:00.002-05:00

Or as it is commonly seen, Jehovah Jireh.

God has really been opening some doors for me recently. I have been offered a job teaching at my school, getting a decent salary. But this job offer was contingent on me getting ACSI certified. So I called ACSI and they told me that to get recertified I would need to take a class called philosophy of education (christian education). The headmaster at this school told me to call ACSI and figure out what I needed to do, so that next week I could sign a contract. So my search for this class began.

I looked at the two local schools where I am attending to pursue my M.Ed. degree and nada. I checked out all the various programs that might qualify and nothing seemed to work correctly. I know that I have to get this class done and taken care of by the time I start teaching next fall, so it is going to have to be a summer course. With it not being held around here locally, I started checking some online courses. The local schools I am familiar with did not have it, so I checked my alma mater. Cedarville in fact did have it, but not online. So naturally, I called Cedarville to get more information. It turns not only do they have the class, but after checking with ACSI, it fits the requirement. (Class was only 2 credits, I was told I needed a 3 credit course). So the way to do it was to go to Cedarville in the summer stay there for two weeks while I took the class intensively. The Lord seemed to be even working out the price, for all who know CU the tuition is very high. I was able to get the class for 160 dollars a credit hour, or 320 total, unheard of at CU.

So feeling God has really provided with a way to do this seeming impossible class to find here, I call my headmaster to let him know. He promptly told me that if all I needed to get recertified was this class, he had a way for me to take the class on my own and never leave town. (also for free)

God seems to have be going down a path, and I am looking forward to continuing this journey. I am forever thankful I am in his hands and going in the direction he has chosen for my life. Nothing more peaceful or rewarding than that, even if currently I feel sick as a dog.

Job Offer

2009-02-12T00:07:00.002-05:00

I was more formally offered a job teaching at my school that I sub at today. I had been approached before, but this was official. As long as some paperwork works out, then I will be signing a contract sometime next week to be the new Junior High (7-9th) science and math teacher. This is both exciting and scary, but God is providing for me and I can't wait to see what he has next, not matter how stressful, busy, or just plain crazy.

Failure

2009-02-10T16:38:00.003-05:00

When I was working at the Y, I had a honest friend say rather bluntly, "Dude you are afraid of failing!" While many people desire to succeed and not fail, that is not what he was saying. He was saying that I am practically phobic of failure. It was rather profound coming from a coworker that didn't know me all that well.

The truth of the matter is that I am afraid of failing, rejection, and that people might just think bad of me. I have been known (in the past) to change who I am to make sure that I am never thought ill of or rejected. The whole idea that someone might be angry with me or disappointed in my work ethic/behaviors was torture. It took me a long time to really see the truth in this particular personal character flaw.

I am not really sure where this flaw has come from. There are a lot of potentials in my past that could have been the source of it. The basic reason must be my personality combined with negative life experience. Growing up I was constantly having to make new friends because we moved constantly. In making new friends on the Jr. High level you learn to be like everyone else in order to be accepted and not ostracized. This is a very bad place to find yourself, because when you are there you have no idea its a problem. In fact people in this trap have no idea who they really are inside, just what is required of them on the outside.

This is rather a stumbling block for people with my personality type (S-I). We want to please everyone and make peace around us. We are the irrationally loyal, addicted to the good words of others for significance. What with this basic personality type and my history, I was a bad marriage waiting to happen.

It is easy to look back and say that I should have seen it coming, but that is really not true. I was so wrapped up in the moment and my own self-preservation that I could not see the danger lying in front of me. In my mind danger and pain would be a relationship ending painfully. Every action was partially tainted by the thought that if I don't be the perfect husband my marriage will fail. I saw a failed marriage as the worst possible thing ever nothing short of personal tragedy. I must admit when divorce did come it was a personal tragedy, not helping at all with my fear of failure. I had tasted failure and it was bitter, I never wanted to fail at anything again.

You cannot however base your life actions on not failing. I took a ministry position and worked my ass off there, but because of factors in and out of my control I was not successful with that position. I was not the person they needed in that job, my talents and passions were elsewhere. This time however my failure was not quite so painful, as it felt more as a misplacement of my talents rather than an attack on my person. (mostly)

I have recently been rejected as I attempted to pursue a relationship. (Second time ever rejected in relationships, if you don't count divorce) I would like to think that this time I put myself on the line much earlier than ever would have before. I was trying to trust God's will and rest with His decisions. This time instead of trying to control the whole process, I relaxed and allowed myself to be more open and honest. I wanted to be accepted by this gal based not on what she wanted me to be, but rather who I really am. It didn't work out, and that is ok. Sure it hurts a little, but whatever. I can't live that way anymore.

I still dislike failure and rejection adamantly but I pray that now at least I can recognize it for what it is and move past it.

Debriefing

2009-02-10T07:51:00.002-05:00

After talking with my mother this morning about an uncomfortable experience this weekend... i am feeling a bit confused and reeling. One of my cousins was coming Sunday night to stay the night and take my Grandfather with her to Delmar. I have some personal history with this gal, and it isn't good. More than once I have had to set boundaries and deal with her abrasive actions. I was dreading her coming, for all of our interactions of late had been over the internet (sense of control for me). But when someone who willfully disdains you comes into the sanctuary of your home it is difficult to bear.

I was not sure if I should have taken the path that was overly nice, i.e. pick her up at the airport, attempt to have conversation, etc. This was not to be, as my mother jumped up and went to pick her up. The second she walked into the house I proverbially felt my skin crawl. She is overly loud, almost like half shouting when just talking. She constantly is trying to one-up people, and show how her opinions are the only ones that matter. She has perfected the art of putting people down so that she is lifted up. Comments that from one person might be sincere and kind, from her are laced with venom. (That is not just my perception either, other people back me up) It didn't take me long before I very carefully, quickly, and quietly got my coat, then told my mother in german that I was going to the store to buy something. I was attempting to obey my mom, as she constantly said to me and my sister when we were kids, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all!" By the time I got home a hour and a half later everyone was in bed. The entire time I was gone, I was talking to my best friends to calm down.

The title of the article is debriefing, for that is what happened this morning as I talked about it with my mother. She was surprised at how strongly my cousin affected me, making the comment that I still had a lot of healing to do. This was an unexpected comment, as I thought vamoosing was the best way to be good. She replied that because this gal acted so much like Heather did in how she treated me I could not handle it. She said that she watched me physically recoil and pull into myself at my cousin's abrasiveness. More was said, but what bothered me was the truth to my mother's statement. Why did I respond this way? Why with this person of all persons did I violently withdraw and feel so threatened? I need to mull over this one for a while.

God Provides

2009-02-09T16:59:00.002-05:00

I went to school to substitute today and was asked by two teachers to sub for them in the coming weeks and months. I was only expecting to sub once this month, and now i have subbed three times, and three more times coming right up! Thanks God

Who ya gonna call?

2009-02-08T18:13:00.001-05:00

When there's something strange, in the neighborhood, who ya gonna call? Mark Wallace!
If there's something weird and it don't look good, who ya gonna call? Mark Wallace!

I ain't afraid of no stress!

If your seeing things running through your head.. who ya gonna call? Mark Wallace!
If your all alone, and you need a friend who ya gonna call? Mark Wallace!

Movie Review Response

2009-02-07T00:43:00.005-05:00

A friend of mine just got back from watching the movie "He's just not that into you" and wrote her own review to it. I will list that here for reference sake.

I went and saw this movie tonight. Let me tell you that this would have saved me a lot of heartache if I had a clue about this concept years ago. Mostly applying to dating situations, the basic premise is this: if a guy does not call you, ask you out, make time to see you, ask to meet your friends, or generally does not make you a very important part of his life, then he's just not that into you.

Plain and simple.

It's really that easy.

Men are not complicated like some ladies think they are, and we (ladies) should not make excuses for why they don't call, show up, ask us out, or genuinely show an avid interest in us.

It feels liberating to know that I'm not the only one who has wondered why a guy didn't really seem that interested, whether up front or over time. And you know what, it's okay, because it doesn't mean something is wrong with me. It just means that I can free myself up to be ready for the guy that is into me - whenever that may be.

Rating: Five Star

I was thinking about this and felt almost stereotyped. But I am not sure why. I would like to think that if I was interested in a girl my intentions would be loud and clear, but thinking about it not anymore. After going through hell and back I am so careful to let my intentions be put out for fear of being hurt by them again. But even this is not entirely true, being an "S" I am entirely unable to hide my feelings for people, good or bad.

Two instances come to mind, one I was attracted to this gal, mostly because of all the attention she was giving me. It was honestly hard not to reciprocate those emotions, as it had been so long since someone cared about me. It eventually took me being verbally blunt and physically distant to communicate with her that it was not meant to be. There is another girl, a friend and former coworker that I could tell was crushing on me. This time before any negative results could come about I firmly and verbally communicated to her that my intentions were not for her. Thankfully I still have a friendship with her, albeit from a distance.

Then there is this other girl. I met her again for the first time in years and was completely blown away. I have never met someone so whole and complete. If I ever venture to marry it would be either her, or someone just like her. We had the chance to get together and talk, and from that I found that I really was attracted to her. (for brevity sake I leave out the details why) There is one gigantic problem facing me though... How do you pursue and court a girl that does not live near you? Actually also a secondary problem, I will not be able to support a family (aka get married) until I am done with school and have a job. (read 2-3 years)

Now in response to my friends movie review, how am I supposed to show the appropriate interest in this girl? I would surely love to, in fact I would like to think I would be rather good at making someone feel loved. (Pride I know) However, in my attempt to start something before she left for school herself again, I was unable to secure her phone number, but just permission to communicate over the internet. In fact on further investigation I have found that she does not like even using IM as a communication medium.

Now this is where the devil's advocate comes in, why don't I just email and ask for her phone number? By not asking for the only way to communicate well with her, are you not telling her you are not interested in her? Hmm. charges leveled against me.

Wow... I feel categorized and labeled. The real beauty to this is understanding a guy who is just treading carefully, so as to not do something stupid and ruin everything in the process.
goodness I feel a blog post coming on!

This was my comment on her Facebook page, being too careful can make a man go to slow in the pursuit and loose the girl. Would it not be wise, however, to make sure you are doing the right thing and courting the right person at the right time? I am not sure the answer to that, but one thing I do know... I know I have met and befriended the most amazing Christian woman I have ever met. She was so impressive to me that I added her to my daily prayer list.

I have learned the very hard way to trust God in his leading and guiding. I don't ever want to hold back in following and trusting Him. He has never steered me wrong. I want the very best for this gal, so much that if I am not for her, then more the better that I never get in the way. But if the Lord should grant mercy to me his broken son, then hallelujah! We will just have to see what happens next.

Ohio or Texas?

2009-02-04T12:05:00.003-05:00

I have come to the conclusion recently that I will not be able to settle here in NOVA. While living here is providing me with the opportunity to attend school and not crash, the cost of living is exorbitant. 1500 for a one bedroom apartment, etc. My parents also know that there will come a time when they will have to leave here, the question is where will they or I go when this time comes?

I have always had a desire to go back to Xenia, Ohio to be with my best friend and his family. He and I are close as brothers, at least that's how I see him. I have yearned to go back and live near him again and settle down. This has been the only real place I have ever felt at home other than here.

Now, however, there is another opportunity that is presenting itself. My aunt and uncle are moving part time back to Dallas to start a small coffee shop business. I have lived in Texas twice before and enjoyed it. The draw to Texas would be to be near family. I have two cousins and their families that live in the Dallas area, and now my aunt and uncle are going back there. My father also might consider moving to Texas as he is fed up with snow and driving in it. That being said I would be able to ride a motorcycle almost year round in Texas where that would be more limited in Ohio.

Wherever I go, I would like my parents to follow, and they have stated decently clearly that where my sister is, holds to much snow and to high of property taxes. I would love to have my family closer together again, that really would be great. However I am much closer to my "brother" in Ohio than any of my family other than my parents.

In Ohio there is potential for my father to get a job because of the local industry, we would also be within driving distance to my sister. Ohio also offers something that I am looking for... Wind. As far as my research has gone I would be able to have wind generators in Ohio, something I have wanted for along time. I have also wanted to build an Earth sheltered home, which honestly can be built in either locality.

One of the things that really bugs me about Ohio though are the rather terrible gun laws. Ohio recently pass legislation that allows one to conceal carry, but almost every building or store there refuses CCDW to enter their store legally. This makes it practically impossible to defend your self, if every time you go somewhere you have to leave your firearm in the car.

I am sure there are more reasons, but for now, I am going to have to keep on with my education and praying for guidance for the years to come.

Class

2009-01-28T22:41:00.002-05:00

I have found that my Astronomy professor has come to an undeniable conclusion... most of his students at the community college don't care enough to teach the subject well.
He does a great job explaining all the concepts needed, but when he gets to the math that is associated with them, he super quickly does the equations and the derivatives of them, that following him is next to impossible. But what is really funny is that he does not even realize that he is doing it. He does equations on the board with smile on his face like it was the most fun thing in the world to do astrophysics. Its really funny to watch, rather hard to learn.

Assumptions and Pride

2009-01-23T18:11:00.002-05:00

Lately I have been struggling with the ideas I think to be correct and provable, only to be completely shot down. Whether this idea is how infrared vision works to politics. I have a lot of knowledge, 2 college degrees can make a man think he actually knows things. But in reality I am finding out more and more every day how much I do not know.

Maybe this is an offshoot of the fact that I am attempting to become a teacher. I am expected to know things and always be ready to show other people truth. I also often sit in my father's Sunday school class and have to occasionally correct some of the ideas coming from the class concerning theology.

It is so frustrating to make a statement in a debate, thinking you are 100% right, only to be proven 100% wrong. Part of me wants to deny it and argue, and part of me is so embarrassed to be proven wrong I just want to vacate the premises. This is unfortunately the pride rearing its ugly head. Why is it so hard to take correction lightly? Well I am working every day to get better at this, and Lord willing with his abundant grace I will continue to mature.

The question then becomes, do you avoid potential situations where you might be proved wrong and not speak, or just go on and attempt to stifle the selfish pride when it arrives?

Isaac Newton

2009-01-23T18:03:00.002-05:00

I was a little disappointed to find out that one of science's greats has let me down. Isaac Newton has not lived up to either of his namesakes, Isaac, or fig newton tasty goodness.

I watched a video about him in Astronomy class, that dealt with his personal life based on his own personal writings. It turns out that while he was a genius he was more than a sloppy theologian. He was an Anti-Trinitarian heretic. To put more plainly his way of deducing life led him to believe that Jesus is not God. This originally came about from the Aryans, and almost broke the church in the 3rd century.

Newton came up with a way to study and look at the world, specifically calculus and physics. The "Newtonian" laws he came up with plus the calculus led him to believe that all things were results of cause and effect, and those effects could be calculated. This led him to think that the future could be figured out by calculations and he even "calculated" the return of Christ to be the year 2060. The French under René Descartes took his ideas and tore God out of them, leading to the "enlightenment."

Kind of frustrating, but as I raise my fig newtons high, I will remember what they could have stood for. very sad

Future and Plans

2009-01-21T09:36:00.002-05:00

My recent addition to the TTL Gunslinger's online community has caused me to start thinking about my social situation here. I have "found" an online community that are almost as close as family, and spend more time together than most friends do. They seem to find their social outlet in each other over the internet.

I have been talking with my best friend, (read processing life thoughts), and wondering about my life. Since I have moved home with my family, I have not really reached out to befriend many people my age here. I am part of my parents sunday school class, and their adult bible fellowship, both of which I rather enjoy. I decided to become part of the music ministry at the church, it is what I did in my old church, but the majority of the choir and orchestra are all much older than me. I have developed some friendship, or better affectionate acquaintances, with many people but not any with people of my age group. Why?

I realized that I have three real friends in this life, Stephen, Mark, and Jim. They were friends of mine while we went to college together, and at that college developed through some rough times into core friendships. I still communicate with them, and am friends with their wives as well. (Mark is not married yet) I found myself thinking as I was communicating with Stephen, that I would rather finish my training to be a teacher here, then transfer to where I can be near him and Jim again.

I am a military brat, and being such meant that we never had the chance to grow up with our friends. In fact, my sister and I were constantly having to make new friendships and then break them again. In this we are both hesitant to attempt to make new real friends, to let someone into our soul. She has since stopped moving and has put down some roots with her wonderful husband and some solid relationships where she is. I, however, have not stopped moving yet, and adding a failed marriage on top of my complex about not wanting to share my soul to friends is making it very hard for me to really put down roots here, other than what I can control. Deep down I want to be able to live here and have friends, but when there is a thought in the back of my mind that I might move again, then that desire is abated.

I have been challenged to rise above myself and make what friends I can while I am here, knowing that it will not jeopardize my relationships with Stephen, Mark, and Jim. Then I realized something, these three men and their families including Carmen, are as close to me as family. If they needed anything I would do whatever it would take to be with them and help them. My earthly family is small, and these men have in my mind been adopted into it. Thinking about it that way makes a bit more sense to me, for I have already changed my life before to be there for family I know that I would do it again.

When I was married, I had become an uncle to my then wife's niece's and nephew's. I thought that was the most wonderful thing, but it truly meant so much more to me when Mackenzie was born to Stephen. I am not her uncle, though they have called me that, but she is more dear to my heart than the other children ever would be. I know this is partly because of being divorced and abandoned by her family. However her family never loved me and cared for me the way that Stephen and Carla do, or the way Mark and Jim do. This will not be true of my sister's child when she/he is born, but that blessing has yet to come.

I am not sure where God is going to take me in the future, all I know is that He has guided me down a path. I can only see a couple steps a time and have an idea where the path may lead. I am learning to become a high-school teacher, where I will teach long term I have absolutely no idea. I have a desire though to look again at Cedarville, and Cedarcliff High.

Patience

2009-01-19T14:49:00.002-05:00

I have noticed that the longer that I am on my own again, the more I want to stand up for myself. For half a decade i allowed myself to be walked on, and I find that now I want to pendulum swing in the other direction. For example last night I was listening to Harry Potter 4 audiobook and there was a situation where Harry was being treated more than unfairly. I found myself wanting to react to stand up and get in the face of the oppressor.

I am having to relearn the fine line between sucking it up and taking it, to fight back no holds barred.

Will have to think about this more later.

My Dog Midnight

2009-01-19T11:02:00.004-05:00

TTL Gunslingers

2009-01-17T09:38:00.003-05:00

For the last month or so I have been doing my online gaming with a clan called the Gunslingers. Two of my good friends have been members for a long time (Halo 2). So I have been playing with them off and on since. I never became part of the clan, and now that the clan has such popularity in the Gaming world, probably never will. However, since I have been playing a bit more regularly with them, I have been having a really good time.

They play as a team, everyone has a job assignment, and work together to accomplish the goal. They strive to be good sports and keep the talk clean. They also are very communicative as to where the enemy location is, so that they can fight as a unit. In the 4 hours or so that I played with them last night, we lost only once. That Loss came only when we were randomly hooked up with another crew from TTL.

It is becoming more fun as some of the core members are becoming familiar and friendly with me, rather than just my personal two friends. Last night a member joined us and said, "Hey Bearded haven't seen you in forever!" etc. To play with this crew, you have to want to get better, but be willing to follow the team. Even if following the team means you don't share the glory of the win. The example that bears this best is the job Honor Guard. The honor guard are a couple of guys who protect the base from being raided. This is a no glory job, but if not done well, then you can lose the game quickly and without warning. (From the other team getting the flag or whatever).

Although I prefer to play with Dem and Sword, last night was the first time I stayed on after they left. It made for some good gaming times. BTW my picture is my xbox-live avatar.

Science

2009-01-12T23:09:00.001-05:00

This is going to be a very interesting semester. Every class I have so far seems like they are trying to indoctrinate their students into a naturalist worldview. Yet so many times already I have heard the profs speak on how something is just a mystery, or there is no way to explain how this is, etc. God fits so perfectly into what I am studying, yet my astronomy professor told me that religion has nothing to do with science, but often butts its nose into science's business.

I feel like I am going on a journey to learn all about God in how our world works, but in that journey I am undercover. It is not the place to speak out on how they are wrong, how their worldview is blinding them, etc. Thus I am finding myself trying to quietly glean all the information that I can that is truth, the information that is false, and spit it all back out in the form of quizzes and tests.

I am a bit torn, but I really love the true essence of what I am studying. I love how science points to our awesome creator! This will be a very interesting and profitable journey into the depths of majesty of God.

Pride Sucks but God is Growing Me

2009-01-11T22:50:00.006-05:00

I recently had to confess to my accountability partner about a reaction I gave to a message I received and replied to on Facebook. It took talking with him to realize just how wrong I was too.
Background: Amy and I dated for 10 months almost a decade ago. During our relationship I did a couple of things right, first off it was hands off. We didn't kiss until the last couple weeks or so of our relationship. That saved me a lot of pain when we did eventually split up. Second off, I got creative and wrote a poem to her and superimposed it onto a picture she took. The picture was of a camping trip she went on in Hawaii. She fell over herself on how much she liked the picture, but she didn't seem to like our relationship enough to fix it when it started to have issues so it died. Or better said after I had enough I killed it.

Getting into why I killed it is a long story, but suffice to say she was not all that good at communication or conflict resolution. After ten months of dating she didn't know whether or not she loved me, among other things. When the relationship ended it was not pretty. I was not being very forthcoming in talking about why I ended it, and she was being cruelly manipulative in attempts to get what she wanted. That with a few more reasons caused our breakup to get a little ugly. It ended with me pretty much hoping I never heard from her again.

In all honesty I had forgiven her soon after this all happened, and had mostly forgotten about it. In fact the poem I wrote was the one, of the plethora of poems I authored, that I was remotely happy with. Thus the poem and picture have always been a happy memory for me about something good I did. I had just detached the memory of who the poem was for and made it a general truth about who I wanted to be. So when I posted the poem and picture with it on my Facebook page I never thought anything about it.

So when I heard from her via Facebook message of all things, I was shocked. But I must admit, I was not upset as much that she had sent me a message, but rather that she was able to send me a message. I thought that I had made my self unsearchable to anyone that I didn't want to find me. I had this mental barrier set up that protected myself from anyone being able to hurt me again. If no one that had ever hurt me could contact me ever again, then I could control my life a bit better. This is where I say that pride sucks! It was my pride that was injured more than anything.

Before I should have I popped off the above response. I really didn't want to be hurtful with my words, but looking back on it now, I was really wrong in saying what I did the way I did. What I was really saying was, "How dare you try and contact me again! I don't want anything to do with you!"

I have had to go to God and ask forgiveness for this, it was very wrong of me. I am so surprised how the sinful nature can still sneak up and stab me when I am not prepared for it. God is slowly pruning me of things I never new where an issue. I obviously had never really forgiven her, or at least had not continually forgiven her of all the hurt I had received 9 years ago. I feel like a stupid teenager again, for that is what my response was, immature.

I can make all kinds of arguments on her being in the wrong, but that would be just rationalization of my wrong comments. I have since apologized in the most sincere way I know how. I find myself quoting Romans 7 over and over again. "Oh Wretched man that I am who will free me from this body of death."

Counseling last night

2009-01-10T17:48:00.002-05:00

I could really have used some help from a friend of mine who is seeking out a career in counseling in the sunny state of Texas. A friend/colleague of mine from a bookstore job I did over the Christmas season has been texting me over the last few days trying to get me to talk to her. I was rather hesitant in talking with her, as I have no desire to be her confidant, counselor, etc. Girls with problems have a way of latching on the person who is trying to help them, and that can cause even more issues. Thus I was attempting to avoid conversations with her.

Well last night it seemed like it came to a point where I needed to actually talk to her and set some boundaries so that she would not keep texting me trying to get me to talk or meet her somewhere. So at the end of my Halo extravaganza I asked my best friend Stephen to pray for me as I was going to call her back and deal with whatever needed to be dealt with.

The conversation turned out to be longer than I wanted, but I was thinking she just wanted to talk to me because of some attraction she had with me, not what I found. This girl is very nice, but has some really problems that she needs to deal with. She is the type of person that feels like she carries the weight of the world upon her shoulders, but has no support from anyone including family. She has never been to college, and has a house to support all by herself. She is attending a church that is dying and is not providing for her spiritual needs.

I must admit because of the way I had to prepare myself for this conversation I was not sugarcoating anything. I told her flat out that in order for her to begin to heal, she needs to be spending ample time each day in the Bible and in prayer, as she is stressing and worrying about everything. The second big thing I told her she needed to do, was to find a church that would start meeting some of her needs. Specifically, she needs an older woman of the faith to be mentoring and caring for her.

In the end I got my point across, while still trying to be gentle in my approach. There is so much more that I don't have time to write about concerning how to talk to someone who is in need, that can wait. What I did do was make it clear that as much as I like to help and talk to people, in her case it is not appropriate for me to counsel her on a regular basis. (aka more than once)

It went well, I hope she gets the help she needs, I recommended a professional counselor. Today I called my accountability partner and best friend so that he knew what happened, also because he was praying for me. This relationship I have with him has been instrumental in my current spiritual growth.

Oh well, time to eat, the house smells so good!

Stage Tear Down

2009-01-10T17:38:00.002-05:00

Today was the last day of taking apart our Christmas set/stage. This past week we took the stage apart and got it into big and little pieces. We got permission to store the stage in a long box that belongs to Emmanuel. The really ironic thing is that this church has three long boxes (semi-trailer) that are full of sets and junk from a program our worship leader did when he used to work at this church, years ago.

We hauled the stuff to the church in two trailers and a small pickup bed full. In order to load it all into the trailer we had to empty the middle trailer. This trailer was almost half full (like a bucket of water half full) with junk. It took the better part of a half hour just to get enough out and make a pile of it on the ground to make room to fit our set in on the inside.

While I was helping to empty the feeder out (long box) two other choir members took my truck and the big trailer and backed it up to where we were. There was about 3-4 inches on the one side and 7-8 inches on the other side, needless to say I was impressed with the backing job.

It made for a good morning project, just for some tense driving there and back, because the trailer didn't have any lights connected.

Teaching today

2009-01-08T18:53:00.002-05:00

I spent a working day teaching third grade at Emmanuel yesterday. I must admit I was rather nervous about going and teaching grade school. There are a couple of reasons for this.

First off, I have never formally taught a classroom full of 8 year-old's before. Sure I have worked with this age group before. In fact, I actually have quite a bit of experience with this age group; however, I have never had them for more than an hour or two. In addition, those two hours would always be broken into three or four segments or more, thus working well with a child's attention span.

Second, I had a rather bad experience with third grade as a child. Thus this grade does not rate on my favorites in which to experience again. At least this reason is more easily dealt with. I know well that this is irrational, and was able to overcome it with a bit of logic and reason.

Well I will be the first to admit that I had a good time teaching these 14 children (3 boys 11 girls). I walked into a teacher class that was already well behaved, and she was so organized I had little to do but follow the post-its to get done what she wanted. I taught Bible, Reading, Penmanship, Math, etc. I did have fun working with them in long division.

I did notice a few things that caused me to be thankful that I am pursuing secondary education for my teaching career. The first is the more profound, they are not able to think abstractly. I knew this going in, from my training in education from College, but it really hit home dealing with it. These children were very smart, but could only do so much with their concrete thinking. This came out most in math as they had to slowly work their way through problems, while I could actually "see" the solution without the work. I was able to successfully teach them, but I prefer to work with greater concepts that high schooler's wrestle with.

Another caution that I saw was the extreme creativity and organization that is required to work with this age group effectively. She was amazingly crafty, creative, and organized in multiple ways. This is just not a strength that I have. I can work and make myself organized so that grades and coursework can happen, but the ways that this teacher had set up to work with these children was just amazing. A little above my head.

The last caution that I saw was less profound. You can not turn your back on little kids. In elementary school, you have the children all the day long. There is no changing classes every hour, there is not opportunity for teachers who drink to much water to go to the bathroom. This was a problem yesterday.

In all I enjoyed the experience, got paid for it, and made some more connections with Christian people. My legs were sore like no other all night because I had literally been standing all day long. I am going to get back into shape to teach, or teaching is going to get me back into shape.

Going through the motions?

2009-01-07T21:38:00.003-05:00

Tonight I was really convicted of something. We were all singing, practicing the choir music, and I saw Wayne lift his hands, eyes, and heart to God in worship. This is not to say that I never worship, or don't know my Lord Jesus Christ. I just was singing the music that was in front of me without really paying attention to the words. I was trying to sing the song correctly, as we were going through it for the first time.

Sometimes I wonder what is wrong with me. I often see the outward appearance of things, and not the deep significance of them. Am I so desensitized that I can't see the beauty of God in everything? I saw a military Chaplin give his testimony while he was in uniform, and I was wondering at the style of camouflage he was wearing. While I heard and really liked what he had to say, it was an awesome testimony, I had to fight my head being focused on the worldly things surrounding that testimony.

How do I process this? I have the ability to see God's beauty in many things, especially the beauty of his creation. Yet I have the tendency to get so caught up in what I am doing that I don't realize what is actually going on (Singing words and not paying any attention to what the words say, for example).

I have a feeling this is just how God has wired me, for I know that I deeply love him and his plans for me. I know that I communicate with Him, and trust what He has written for us to know. But I also know that I am very one-track minded. I am terrible at multitasking. Maybe what I am dealing with is just a reflection of that part of my personality? I am not sure yet, but at the very least I want to be more conscious of what is going on around me.

Darn Tenors

2009-01-07T21:28:00.003-05:00

I have said that over and over again for as long as I can remember being a singer. I always wanted to sing with the tenors and have never been able to. For years and years when I was at the peak of my singing and training, I could never sing above an E.

All the good solos, singers, groups, songs, etc. have awesome tenor parts. I have wanted to for years to be able to sing them, and never avail when I try. Then you hear me say again "Damn Tenors!"

When I moved back here, I have found an unusual thing came with me, a higher tonal register. This past Christmas musical I was regularly singing parts that typically only tenors can sing. While I am still not a tenor, just a baritone/bass, I have been singing up to an F for the past 4 months.

This semester I am unfortunately not going to be able to sing in the choir as I will have a class when we sing. So tonight was the last time I will be able to practice with the choir on Wednesday nights for a while. I plan to still sing on Sunday mornings, just learn the music on my own. Thus I decided to have a little fun. Last Sunday I decided to try and sing the tenor part because they didn't have but one tenor, and way to many basses. So tonight I did the same thing, and all but one song I was able to sing the tenor line.

This is so amazing to me, I will never be a true tenor, but it has been so much fun to sing a different line and harmony. I hope I can continue this in the future, its been a fun journey while it lasts.

Goals and desires open handed

2009-01-07T21:12:00.002-05:00

Today Pastor Billy spoke about his son who is in the Army. His son was top of his class academically and physically winning awards and honors for how well he did in the Army. His goal for the last 4-5 years has been to be Airborne/Army Ranger. Today or yesterday he called his father after a week or two of the training, and told him that he pulled a hamstring doing PT and was out. He has won awards for doing PT, it was a walk in the park for him. God was clearly telling this young man that now is not the time to be doing Ranger training.

Whenever God does these things in our lives, it is extremely disappointing. It hurts when we think we have the will of God in our plans and lives, and God reveals a new track for us to follow that is contrary to what we want to do.

He reminded us, to hold your life with an open hand. To let God have complete control so that when he changes something we are doing, we are not so devastated, but rather declare so be it, to God be the Glory.

This hit me when he was speaking, as I have recently let my heart go away with my desires and my emotions. Now it is time to reign them in and give God more complete control of my life. It is not that I was going out of God's plan with my desires and heart, it is more that I want to be more consciously giving God my life and plans. I have an idea what he wants from me, and nothing more. I tend to fill in all the gaps with thoughts and speculations and desires.

Yes I want to become a public school teacher, marry a girl as awesome as the one I am reacquainting myself with, and be able to support and have a family. That is indeed my goal and my desire, but I know that God has a way of changing things, and when that happens I want to be able to obey without question.

My life is not my own, I am bought with a price. This life is so brief, we are not guaranteed anything but our eternal salvation. (This is not an exclusive statement, follow the context and you will be ok mark) Eternity has already begun, and as a Christian this is the hard part of it, when death or Christ comes, then all this stress will be gone and I will be with my savior for all time, Hallelujah!

Belonging

2009-01-07T09:08:00.004-05:00

I got the opportunity to help tear down the stairs I helped build for the Christmas program. Even though we are trying to save all the pieces of the set, it is still coming down much faster than we put it up, go figure. We hope to have it all down today, we are down mostly to the big sections that don't come apart.

When I am working on a project like this I always feel like I belong to something. Maybe that is why I love helping people, because it provides that self-assuring sense to me that I am not a waste of space. Either way it feels good to belong to something. I had a similar sense while working at UPS. The work there was very demanding, emotionally and physically, but I felt like I belonged to something larger than myself.

It is just part of who I am, how God made me, that I love to invest myself in others. I know that is one reason that I would love to be in a relationship again, because I would have the privilege of giving so much emotional support and attention to somebody I care about or love. I enjoy the act of thinking up and doing creative things that will make someone happy.

The danger is obvious though, it is a trap that I might change who I am and how I behave to make someone else happy. This is a fine line that I fear I am going to need help with. If ever I do become involved with someone again, even if they are awesome and won't manipulate me into changing to suit their desires, I will need accountability to prevent me from falling into the trap. It is going to be quite the woman who can help and prevent me from going down that road. That is a key requirement in the character of the person I will marry, for it can make or break me.

School's comin'

2009-01-05T16:17:00.002-05:00

I went up to my new college campus today. Payed 400 for three classes of science books, including two used copies. Got my student ID and kind of an idea where my classes will be held.

I am looking forward to this next year of classes, as it will be interesting, intense, and brief. This next degree will be divided into sections, easier for me to accomplish. the first year will be at community college getting the science credits I require for my science endorsement for Grad school. The next year and a half will be covering the teaching classes I will be taking at Grad school. At the end of that I have my "student teaching." All that will get me licensed and certified to teach in this state. Then I have the option to continue on with grad school to finish a masters in education. (4 classes) I have a long way to go; however, with the workload being split up into pieces it should go by rather quickly.

At the end of all this, I will have a job in the public school system. This is what I am looking for, of course, as it will allow me to live on my own and if the Lord desires have my own family. Two and a half to three years until I can feasibly support my own family, that's not to bad.

Opportunity knocks...

2009-01-04T11:06:00.004-05:00

I got a chance to have a couple conversations with my old friend. I had a coffee date with her this last week and found out that she is the most attractive girl I have ever met. Every time we talk we get along really well. I love her family, from the little I know of them. The best thing about her is that her attractiveness comes not just from the outside but the godly beauty that shines within her. Well, she just left to go back to school in Dallas, Texas. I don't know if this is an opportunity or not, so I am waiting on the Lord to lead me on what to do. I must be crazy, but at least this time it is a girl who doesn't need to be saved, but would make an equal companion. I guess I am crazy to like a gal that lives in Texas; how does one "dance" that far away?

Painting and projects

2009-01-03T11:39:00.001-05:00

I learned a bit about myself yesterday. I started a project I had on the docket and finished it all in one day. I worked on the project from late morning to 2am the next day. I don't do well stretching projects out over several days. I have found that I am the kind of person that has to do it all in one fell swoop if I can help it. Maybe my energy is expended based on daily decisions not long term ones, I am not sure. All I know is that when I finally finished half the painting job, I just felt like doing more work on it. I was not even sure if I was going to finish. A little bit at a time and I was done. When it was all over I felt almost empty at the fact the project was over and that I had to stop working. Wierd I guess, but that is me.

Coffee Break

2009-01-01T21:36:00.004-05:00

I had the marvelous opportunity to have a coffee date with an old friend. I make sure i am clear, this was nothing more than catching up and having a good time, nothing committal or relational about it.

We met at a Starbucks in a neutral location, with meeting place chosen by her. In fact I left the ball in her court as to where and when she would like to meet with me. All I really did was mention that it would be nice to catch up sometime before she went back to school. Now that the issue of intentions and assumptions are clear, as mud, back to the story.

For a while we talked about surface issues and topics, nothing to personal. Really they were big topics that many people have written dissertations on, but we just broached them carefully. What I saw was an attempt by both me and her to get a feeling for what the other believed about various issues in life and theology, goals and plans for life, etc. We talked for little over a half an hour about this kind of stuff when she changed the subject.

She asked me if I was comfortable talking about what happened to me, referring to my failed marriage. Without getting into the gory details of said marriage, I replied yes I was. It took longer than I had thought it would take, and I believe I might have betrayed my affection for her when I told her more than normal. (more than I normally tell people when telling my story). Her compassion and heart was unmistakable, she really felt a kind of pain for me, and what I had endured with my marriage and divorce. She seemed to understand on a level most people don't. She later felt free enough to tell me a bit of who she was inside, and how long of a journey she had to get there.

I asked her if she was familiar with the DISC personality profile, and got the answer I was really hoping for, Yes. It turns out that her personality and mine are very similar. In fact the way she feels life and deals with it is eerily similar to how I interact with reality as well. Unfortunately words are not my best medium for communication, and it is impossible for me to describe the feeling I got while talking with her.

Six months or so ago I had a conversation with my mother about the kind of person that I would like to marry, if God so chooses. It was really a checklist of qualities that must be met in a girl before I would even consider dating her. I ran across this girl online a few months back or so and remember thinking to myself that she is the type of girl I should marry. That was without really looking at the "checklist," but more from looking at who she was from afar and who her family is.

For two hours of my life I was talking with a girl that I almost did not think existed. She is passionate about serving God and following Him. Not only that she is constantly and determinedly working to better herself and fix potential problems that could damage or harm relationships she has. I was not mentally going down any "checklist" in my mind while talking with her, but rather examining the mental picture of what I thought a Christian girl should be. (At least one I would like to spend my life with). I honestly thought that my bar was set so high that I would never run into a girl the met the standard, or fit the picture I had established. And here she was sharing her life with me and allowing me to do the same.

We ended up talking for about two and a half hours before we parted ways. Nothing may ever come of this conversation, and nothing may ever happen relationship-wise with her and me. One thing I do know though, if I ever get married again, she is going to have to be as awesome of a woman as the one I had a coffee break with today.

"S"

2008-12-30T16:16:00.002-05:00

I've got family visiting at the moment, and I am finding myself wanting to be the perfect host. Today I have made bread and a desert, made sure their favorite soda was available,etc. I even helped make them breakfast this morning. I don't really feel put upon even, as they have borrowed my car twice today. I am such a strong "S" that the extra work is not a chore but a joy. Wierd for a guy maybe but it's just who I am and I am finally getting to the point where I don't care who knows it.

New Thoughts

2008-12-27T11:24:00.002-05:00

I have a hard time thinking well of myself. I tend to always think of myself with a low self confidence. I see myself for who I am, and tend to focus on what people think of me, or things I think they think of me (or would think). The age old cliche goes into effect, "You are your own worse critic."

I have been trying to break out of that mold lately. I know certain things about myself that need work, of course, but I also have been collecting things about myself that are not so negative. Normally one would assign such thinking, focusing on the good of yourself, as narcissistic but that really is not the case with me. In order to have confidence in myself, it is important to know that I am not a worthless person.

I have a problem with patience and being grumpy when I am tired or worn down. I worry to much about what people think of me, and then want to change to be what people like. I do not have a lot of self-discipline so it is hard for me to exercise, read, study, etc. in an orderly fashion.

However, I do have a great relationship with God, tend to be self-less, humble, very generous and giving. My personality (DIsC) is S-I, so I am very sociable, get along very well with people in all sorts of situations. I am extroverted and do very well under other people's leadership, however if the need arises I can take charge of a situation and lead myself. I tend to be very romantic in my thinking and treat women with great respect. I am also an accomplished singer/ musician (At lease I am told that often).

I am learning to focus on the things I can do for God, instead of what is so dreaded wrong with me. I know that I am nothing better than a sinner saved by God's grace, and often find myself quoting Paul saying, "Oh wretched man that I am, who will free me from this body of death!" However if I focus on this to much my personality tends to make me to shy to tackle life.

The new goal that I would like to pursue is to live with self-confidence and courage, knowing that if I make a mistake that's ok. But also to keep my life in perspective knowing that I am a sinner, and the only reason I have a chance at life at all is because of Jesus Christ who died for me, and daily supports me. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, the opposite is also true. I can do nothing with out Him.

Traffic

2008-12-24T22:05:00.002-05:00

Yikes traffic around here really stresses me out. I need to figure out a fix for this, because the traffic is only ever going to progressively get worse. I tend to get antsy, prone to mild swearing, and a bit agitated after arriving at said location. Must be a solution to this, I never got like this in Kentucky.

Conflict of Heart

2008-12-24T08:30:00.001-05:00

I am in a position where I might possible be able to catch up with an old friend. Well really old friend, been close to 10 years since I have had more than one conversation with her. I am relishing the opportunity to catch up, because she is really a great gal worthy of even knowing.

The conflict of heart comes in when my stinkin' brain wants to there to be more to just getting to know her. Then it says just as fast to me, hold on now is that a good idea you don't need to be dating why are you even thinking about it? I feel very torn, on one hand my brain is coming up with, or trying to, a bunch of ways to catch up with her that might in the future leave open the possibility for something. However, my logic does not always agree and tells me to back off the thoughts and just have a good time.

This is however, a first for me. I am attracted to this girl for a number of reasons, besides the pretty thing. She from what I know is a strong christian, and strong in character. I know that she is not afraid to turn her life upside down to do what she believes is right, whether that is going to hurt her or not. I also know that she has a good family, which already know and like me by the way. I remember saying to myself months ago when I first go reintroduced to her over Facebook, and then heard about her life, that this is the type of girl I need to marry. Don't hear me wrong, I wasn't all about marrying this gal, just a girl with the qualities that she possesses.

Thus my conflict, after analyzing my situation, I won't be able to marry for at least 2-3 years or until I have my M.Ed finished. (Finishing means getting placed with a public school teaching job) She has another 2-3 years of her school left as well. I have time on my side, but my brain still rages against itself.

Maybe I need to bake some more bread.

What is Love?

2008-12-22T16:47:00.000-05:00

How can we understand love? I was married to a gal that I loved, but how about now? The Bible tells us that true love never fails (1 Corinthians 13) but obviously my love for my ex-wife is failed. How are we to understand this? What do I know? I know that until the very end of my marriage I loved my wife, that love being a die-hard commitment to seeing the marriage and our lives together last.

Then why I was in love with someone who treated me like trash, manipulated and abused everyone who was around her? I think partially because this part of her did not come out fully until we had been married for a little while. The other reason is that I firmly believe the strength needed to love someone comes from God. My love for God and his love and support of me was the only reason I was able to hold on until the end of my hellish marriage to her.

Love is and can be a dangerous thing. I say this because love is blind. It will probably take some good counseling to get through all of what I went through with her, but when I was there in it, I was blind to the torture I was in. The boiling frog example I think works. It slowly got worse and worse, and not until I was away from the marriage and friends talked to me about how bad they saw it did I come to realize the extent of the damage done.

Knowing now how blinded I can be by love, I must admit that I am scared to love again. I am afraid that I will end up in situation exactly like the one I was in. Yet there inside me is a potent unyielding desire to have the relationship I am now so desperately missing. Inside me I feel and yearn for the female companionship I lack, but also I have this mighty apprehension to anything to do with relationships for fear of making a life changing error. I guess I am a statistic now, burned and afraid of being hurt again.

Well enough for the present, now to finish making dinner.

Bread and Thinking

2008-12-22T15:16:00.001-05:00

I have been thinking quite a bit lately. My self-confessed way of thinking is usually run by my emotions and passions. For example if I get going on a certain idea, it is likely some time before I can move on from thinking on it. I also tend to be very loyal to people and ideas. It takes quite a bit of evidence for me to think badly about ideas or people that I care about or support. The same works in reverse as well... I am very opposed to ideas I don't support, and it would take dramatic events or evidence for me to change my mind about them.

A good example of this played out in my life would be my membership in the NRA. I am a life member of the National Rifle Association. I feel very strongly about personal second amendment rights to carry and bear arms. Thus any opposing ideas or people to my strong belief in the 2nd amendment will be the enemy to me. aka Barack Obama and the DNC.

These loyalties are very complex, as my dislike of the DNC is also based on their insistence of supporting Abortion, same-sex marriage, and socialism.

How do I cope with all these thoughts tearing through my head? I bake bread. There is something very peaceful about having Christmas music playing in the background while I knead and work dough in to delicious tasting breads. The other thing that is very rewarding is when my parents come home to the house smelling of fresh warm bread, only to see them smile.

This is really the start of me thinking all these thoughts out loud. Recently I have had fewer opportunities to talk all this out, and as I think and figure things out as I talk about them this is helping me sort out things in my complex crazy little thing called a brain.

Graduate!

2008-12-21T22:30:00.000-05:00

I am now a Graduate of Southern Baptist Theological Seminary. Just this weekend I received my degree in the mail. I must say it was neat to see the culmination of 4 years of hard work in my hands. Now on to the next degree program, maybe by the time I am done with the next one, I can stop. Still chance I will go for that Ph.D eventually, but it better be very eventually!

Glory of Christmas Concert

2008-12-21T22:24:00.001-05:00

We just finished our Christmas concert at church tonight. We did three main performances, and they each were better than the last. I had my first major solo with the church, or really ever, and was pleased with the results. It was loads of fun, and Christ was proclaimed, Thanks to all who came to support us.

I will say this, as my namesake says, I prefer having a beard. I shaved for this production and got a haircut so that I would look the part of a soldier. Shaving is for the dogs, time to grow out the beard and become bearded again!

My Jamaican Brother had fun calling me welvis as I sang a version of Blue Christmas, I always respond by calling him belvis. Well that is all for now, got to meet up with some old friends that I would like to get to know again, but now its time for sleep and resting my voice.

Relieve stress

2008-12-19T15:29:00.001-05:00

Best way to relieve stress besides shooting targets to pieces? Bake wonderful tasting bread and see everyone come home from work melt at the aromas that fill the house.

New President old style

2008-12-19T15:13:00.001-05:00

With President Elect Obama doing what he thinks is best to fix our country many people cheer. In fact he is so popular that to not like him, even strongly dislike or oppose him, is frowned upon vehemently. Unfortunately that is the category I find myself in.

Obama is in a situation remarkably similar to the situation our country was in almost more than half a century ago. Our country was in the great depression. Along comes the Democrat FDR who claimed he could fix all our problems with stimulus packages, jobs, and social programs. What we got stuck with was alphabet soup of programs some of which we are stuck with. After years of these programs to fix the economy, it was still not fixed. It took the monumental spending and unification of the American People against a common enemy in WW2 to get us out of the depression.

That is concern enough against Obama, but correct me if I am wrong, but the democratic party at the time was not attempting to steal the peoples right to carry and to bear firearms or to kill babies.

In my humble opinion Obama won for a number of reasons, not the least of which being that he is black, and that the conservatives were divided. Don't hear me wrong, I have absolutely no problem with him being black, really don't care. What bothered me was that so many people voted for racial concerns rather than concern for the future and security of our nation.

Obama is out to fix our messed up nation with Leftist agendas, I only hope that in doing so our nation doesn't tank, because it almost did the last time we have seen a character like him whose slogan was leadership for a change. It took eight years of Reagan to fix that mess.

Return to Bloggin

2008-12-19T15:09:00.000-05:00

I am going to do this blogging thing again. I have a feeling with the change of party power in the country I am going to have a lot to write/talk about, and most of my friends get tired of hearing me on my soap box. So speaking in the void of the internet suits my needs.